An Old Segment Featuring An Old Joke, Submitted by An Old Friend: The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Phil Flicklicker:

"Spotted some Curlz in Oakland:"

It's Time To Retire Dr. Fish

A dumb premise. A poorly thought out character. An unpopular segment. These are the voyages of the Starship Dr. Fish. We at EADJ think it's about time we put this awful, unfunny, one-joke bit to death. It's a dumb segment- and coming from a blog that has featured a chimp servant, plastic hillbilly teeth, a how-to segment by a limo driver who is not Vince's uncle, racist appliances, a Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, and an Ugly Andrew Gall- that's saying a lot.

Yes, it's time to join the Curlz MT, Tianna, and the Suzemily Players segments in the EADJ Retirement Home.


Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Do you mean to tell us that we've been throwing segments to the wayside left and right and haven't thought to dump your sorry ass? No, wait. You have to be an official, established EADJ segment to be retired. Instead of being the pathetic, annoying, uninvited, insipid, infuriating piece-of-dog-turd intrusion that you are. Sometimes I wish I could build a theme park by the side of the Grand Canyon and advertise it as "The Only Theme Park Next To The Grand Canyon!" so you would be interested and pay a ticket to ride the roller coaster, and just when you start going down the highest hill, I could have my theme park workers redirect the track into the gaping, cavernous maw of the Grand Canyon for you and the roller coaster car to fall into, never to be heard from again.


Don't worry. We'd find a way to get you on that thing.

Phrases That Work Better Typeset in Curlz MT

(with help from JOEL HIMSELF)

Less teeth, please!

I'm afraid it's malignant!

Look at my infected foot!

There's a sniper in the tower!

This pornography needs more tentacle rape!

We're all gonna fucking die in here!

I'll confess, leave me a hand!

You talkin' to me?

Yes! It IS a glory hole!

This, too, shall pass.

Scream for help all you want. This basement is soundproof.

"God hates fags."

Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed.

Coprophagia Club welcomes you!

God is dead.

I just choked on my own vomit.

Time of death, 11:32 pm

A Forbidden Entry

Two reasons why this entry is forbidden:

1) I took this photo in Pathmark after the security guard lady told me she'd kick me out if she caught me taking photos in there again.

2) EADJ retired this Curlz MT bit.

3) This entry sucks.

We Don't Do This Bit Anymore

A waterfront café in Washington D.C. employs the worst typeface ever.


A gift shop in Albuquerque also uses the worst typeface ever.

Special Weekend Entry

EADJ doesn't do this bit anymore, but if you look closely at the banner in this photo on NewYorkTimes.com, you'll see the phrase "WELCOME BACK GOVERNOR" set in the typeface Curlz MT.

EADJ Doesn't Do This Bit Anymore.

(pictured above, me and two other blobs of unfried dough. And Curlz MT.)

BONUS: According to Wikipedia, in Canada, pieces of fried dough are sometimes called "Beaver Tails."

End of the Year Closeout.

EADJ officially retires one of its bits to make room for newer, stupider ones.


Goodbye, you miserable middle-aged wretch!


Goodbye, you unlikeable, non-social person who's way too into dogs or cats!


Goodbye, failed art teacher with cutesy, "thoughtful" sayings slapped on the bumper of your '94 Volkswagen Beetle!


In other words, fuck off, Curlz!

Brooklyn can be annoying.

Certain parts of Brooklyn, most notably Park Slope, Williamsburg, and Cobble Hill are doing everything they can to pussify New York's coolest borough. If you walk along Fifth Avenue, Carroll Street or Bedford Avenue, you'll see a dizzying array of infuriating boutique shops. All with cutesy, "creative" and often vague names so there's no telling what business they're in. Not many of their signs are set in Curlz MT, but they might as well be.


Bird. 220 Smith Street.

Bird. Pet store, right? Wrong!

"Featuring women's apparel, shoes and accessories by up-and coming designers from New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Scandinavia, and Japan."

Possible explanation: "Funny story, really. Margaret here earned the nickname 'Bird' last summer because she would flit about with her badminton racquet at our place in the Hamptons. She always wanted to open a nice, unique place that sells more stylish rayon scarves since our honeymoon in Scandinavia."

Antidote: Parking illegally in front of the store, blaring The Beastie Boys' "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" five times straight.


Jumelle. 148 Bedford Avenue.

French restaurant? Fragrance store? Wrong!

"Jumelle features all that is covetable in women's clothing and accessories. The well-edited collection can be described as eclectic elegance, integrating modern, classic and timeless styles."

"Covetable?" "Well-edited collecton?" Oh, do shut the fuck up. Oh, and "jumelle" means twin in French? Slap.

Antidote: Standing outside the store, wearing a Dodgers-type jersey with "Crooklyn" on it, drunk.


ylli. 482 Driggs Ave.

Llyli? Yilli? Gigli?

Fuckin' rylly annoying.

"Chic and exclusive men's & women's clothing, jeans, accessories & handbags from emerging and local designers. Now offering shoes by Archangela and Children's wear by Yellow Monkey."

Antidote: Spreading a rumor "Ylli" means "Satan's Magnificent Scrotum." Fundamentalists will be picketing the store my morning.

And there are so many vague, pussy businesses like this:


You know what kind of pizza place I like? The kind that has PIZZA in big red letters out front. And when the phone rings, the guy picks up the phone and says "Pizza place." And the pizza usually sucks, but that shit is awesome.

Next steps: Encourage more businesses like these that don't hide behind hi-falootin' watercolored logos:


Vote with your dollars, Brooklyn!

Oh Curlz You Di-in't!

Joel doesn't dust.

That's what his chimp servant Chad Yarborough found out when it tried to ask Joel to help out for once. It had a pilates class to teach and couldn't get around to cleaning the apartment. Joel said he was too busy "researching a screenplay" as he watched the Bionic Woman marathon with his dick in his hand.

Joel being unwilling to help forced his chimp servant clean forced it to cancel class, thus cheating it out of $400.

Later that night, Joel didn't notice it, but there was a hint of chimp pee in his pesto ravioli.

(pictured above, using Curlz is bad enough. But using Curlz in ALL CAPS is even worse– especially in The Matrix)

As Rare and Beautiful As a White Elk.

(pictured above, one of those rare occasions where Curlz looks demure and classy by comparison)

Curlz in the Family

(pictured above, the painful realization that one's future sister-in-law uses Curlz to represent her wooden-flower-centerpiece business. Phone numbers and email address have been blurred out to protect the innocent)

Indigo Curlz!

Drink more water!

That's what many health officials keep telling us. Drinking more gives us healthy skin, flushes toxins, improves joints and muscles, and keeps us energized and alert. Joel knows this, which is why he chugs 8 gallons of water every three hours along with the massive amount of dick he eats.

Joel's skin is so supple, so smooth, and so touchable now that you just want to caress it with the back of your hand, then slap the living shit out of it to see if it reddens. Believe me, it does!

Joel is virtually toxin free. Although whatever toxins other dudes eat do end up in Joel's system once he eats their dicks. But by then it's pretty watered down.

Joel's joints and muscles are healthy and strong. Just yesterday he cracked a pecan with his toe knuckles, then balanced a wedge of brie in his butt crack.

Energized and alert? Hell yeah, Joel is! He is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the crack of 6am every morning! Cock benedict, anyone! Huzzah!

(pictured above: a bad typeface, a dumb game, and possible cosplay all intersect in the perfect storm of awfulness)

September Curlz

(pictured above, even comic book stores are not immune to Curlz)

Don't Get Your Font in a Curlz

More typographical awfulness from Brooklyn:

Wine list. Classy.

Nail salon. Typical. (Yeah, I'm taking a photo of your shop, bitch)

Back scratcher?! Random!


But the most flagrant violator EADJ has ever seen has to be Dizzy's Café in Park Slope:



Jesus, it's like the owner strided into a Kinko's, handed the Desktop Publisher a floppy disk, and said, "Make all my signage with this whimsical font, you orphan raper!"

Not that Kinko's employees aren't orphan rapers. Some are. Actually, a lot are. A vast majority are. Especially the third shift ones. That's why if you walk into a Kinko's late at night, they have to come to the register from the back, because they're raping an orphanage out back. For serious. I'm surprised no one has noticed this before.

A Mixed Sack of Assorted Items

• Joel will be taking Rosh Hashanah off this week, although he's not Jewish. Instead of observing the holiday, he will be using the time off to masturbate to an old poster of Pierce Brosnan in a speedo. Did I say "to?" I meant "on."


• This EADJ reporter has a new job at an agency in New York. I cannot disclose the name of the agency, but it rhymes with Toucan Cleric's Fun. Those of you who worked at Cramer-Krasselt on the weekend and used the men's bathroom– you remember how horrible that smelled?– well, the bathroom here smells like that ALL THE TIME. A full article on the horrors of the bathrooms at Toucan Cleric's Fun coming soon...


***Pathmark "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?" answers from last week!***

1. Half-drunk Lipton Brisk in the yams.

2. Top loin steaks in the Juicy Juice.

3. French bread in the cupcake icing.

4. Chicken strips in the Entenmann's Cookies (also accepted Thomas Squares Bagelbread).

5. Junior putter set (which Andrew mistook for a mop) in the Bakery Snacks.

Martha Salvoy from Park Falls, Michigan got all 5 answers right. She wins a snowmobile trip for two to the Apostle Islands, Wisconsin, courtesy of Ski Doo and Kimpex Plastic Skis. Kevin Hudson from Asheville, North Carolina came in second and wins a romantic lunch with actor Don Cheadle at the restaurant of his choice.

(pictured above, the once mighty South Street Seaport, once a historic waterfront with a fish and farmer's market, is now a mall, replete with Curlz)

Bonus Suckage

This was at Detroit's convention center (not on the same day). Suddenly I'm not hungry for a wrap and a smoothie.

Summer Reading. Some Sweating.

Curlz Before Swine

(pictured above, a set of pens tries to encourage our fat kids to "get out and play!")

Let's break wind into the EADJ Mail Sack, then hold it over the head of our significant other!

(the following submission by Vince: a photographer who shoulda been a typesetter for puppy newsletters)