"Reality is Wrong. Dreams Are For Pathmark."

More Stupid Conspiracy Theories For Alex Jones's Stupid Listeners

By now, we should all know that Alex Jones's "Info Wars" is scripted. How else could he spout so many nonsensical, byzantine explanations to fit a far-right, bigoted, pigheaded narrative every day like that? Here are the latest conspiracy stories the writers are working on:

• How SNL is a subliminal recruiting tool for pedophile veterinarians

• Rest stop or rest area? How the homosexual Underground Railroad tells the two apart.

• Toll booth EZ-Pass: a cashless road to Hell

• The real reason the bouncer at the strip club won't let you touch Candy: He fancies you.

• January 6, 2001: How the U.S. Capitol Attack separated the pussies from the patriots

• How Beaker is actually Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's adopted son but has never found out.

 

More Fun Facts About Strawberries and Bananas That Didn't Make It On The Back of A Box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios

 

Here now are some fun facts about strawberries and bananas that did not make the back of the packaging:

• Strawberries are related to currants but avoid them ever since the last election.

• Organic bananas are known to stay fresh for up to 10 steps after leaving the store.

• In Chad, strawberries are given as a wedding present. I dunno. I just made that up.

• Bananas still love you, but strawberries think you've changed since high school.

• Both strawberries and Michael Stipe have regrets about the song "Shiny Happy People"

• Director James Cameron would one day like to collaborate with bananas for an epic 3D movie.

Fun Facts About Strawberries and Bananas That Didn't Make It On The Back of A Box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios

Strawberry Banana Cheerios are delicious. And on the back of every box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios, you can read some fun facts about both strawberries and bananas, like "Strawberries and roses are in the same botanical family" or "Technically bananas are berries, but strawberries are not." Fun!

Here now are some fun facts about strawberries and bananas that did not make the back of the packaging:

• Bananas will never intentionally hurt you.

• The Inuit word for strawberry is sitilluqaaq, which translates loosely to "Why are you even here?"

• Rachel says she likes bananas and strawberries, but only because Josh said he likes them first, and she's totally crushing on him. We should tell Tracy.

• If you ever get shot by a banana traveling at the speed of a bullet, I call dibs on your Playstation 5.

• The words "straw" and "berry" have individually been copyrighted by Kanye West

• 2 weeks. I promise.

• Banana easy and good. Strawberry okay but need to remove green part.

• Banana and Strawberry have lived together for decades without getting married, like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn

Unnecessary Backstories for Mott's Applesauce Pouch Mascots Redd and Seedney

Few things are more riveting than reading the package graphics on your kids' snack food. It was during this activity that I came upon Redd and Seedney on a package of Mott's Applesauce Pouches. Apparently Redd and Seedney are ambassadors for Mott's other delicious pouch offerings, each representing a different SKU. Here now, because we're bored, are some fabricated backstories for each of these delightful new characters:

Redd

Full name: Redd Strawberryman. Born in the 1950s during the Second Communist Scare, he was ironically named by his beatnik parents when he was conceived in a strawberry patch in their commune (an alternate name was McCarthy). To the horror of his parents, Redd devoted his life to ultra-conservative ideals, attending anti-immigrant rallies and boycotting all of Jane Fonda's movies. He is now a fundamentalist preacher and currently resides in Bouckville, NY with his lover Daniel and their adopted children.

Seedney

Born Seedney Opeerahouse in Plano, Texas. Seedney is the accidental offspring of a wild orgy between a raspberry, two blueberries, a strawberry, and Andy Dick. Mott loves to feature Seedney's mixed ethnicity as proof of their dedication to diversity. Seedney loves flea markets, Fortnite, highway medians, and British band The Fixx's 1983 album "Reach The Beach". Seedney is a staunch Flat Earther.

6 Lies Told By The San Francisco Dungeon Brochure

Here are 6 lies told by the San Francisco Dungeon located at Fisherman's Wharf:

1. We will only chain your feet on the rides if you're really into it.

2. The Descent is exactly what it sounds like. 8 steps down a staircase.

3. "Miss Piggott" doesn't actually work here. She's just a patron who gets way too into the horror thing and we've been too embarrassed for the last few years to ask her to leave.

4. "Chinatown Plague Street" might not have been the most PC attraction, considering the latest worldwide pandemic events.

5. And maybe making light of human trafficking wasn't a good call, either. Who made these decisions?!

6. "Anyone under the age of 16 must be accompanied by a PAYING adult." Which means you kids can't just ask that guy who jumps out of bushes to scare tourists to come with you.

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Here Are Your Job Numbers For February

Hey guys

Sorry to be the bad guy, but Donovan in accounting is really riding me to get everyone to fill out their timesheets by EOD today, and you know how it is- if we can't bill 'em, they can't pay us! So PLEASE take a moment to find your job number in the following list, fill out your timesheets and notify me ASAP (and remember, you have to hit 'SUBMIT' for it to register!)!

Don't make me stalk you guys!

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93473 - Kicking ass (without taking names)

89821 - Arguing that ALL LIVES MATTER

18330 - Eating KFC cole slaw

66289 - Pretending to know who Chrissy Teigan is

01192 - Checking Tinder while masturbating

47331 - Blowing your nose into a wig

83228 - Finding the good in people

54341 - Trying to find a word to rhyme with "Hannity" for a rap

18214 - Doing drop sets

91116 - Explaining "Damn Daniel" to anyone over 30

44417 - Sampling heroin

03403 - Being an inspiration for young girls and women everywhere

10932 - Reheating stew

Theories Abound.

After seeing the Shorter AND EVEN FATTER Version of Scott Peterson from the other day, Michelle suggests the possibility of an inverse relationship between "fatter" and "version of Scott Peterson."