AMAZING New Speakers Scheduled For VidCon!!!!

The upcoming VidCon is shaping up to be a veritable Who's Who of High School Students influencers, content creators and Instagram models, and tickets are still available! Reserve your spot now and catch these newly added speakers:

• Bad Luck Brian is scheduled to fall down the convention center stairs in a horrific accident

• Dhar Mann wasn't invited, but the police will be ready to tackle him if he does show up

• Instagram comedian Toby Wallace unveils his HILARIOUS and SPOT-ON impression Mr. Hargraves from 3rd period!

• TikTok's Sherpa Watzillahala will catch a bullet. In their chest.

•  Cristiano Ronaldo will stand up and personally name and thank all 628 million of his Instagram followers.

No Title

Saw this courtroom sketch in the news. Had to do something with it.

UAG

Smecial Dreams Entry

And this one from my Uncle Tony:

Hello, New Say Goodbye Entries!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Featured Products at This Year's Half-Assed Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is normally a very exciting showcase of new electronic product launches, but somehow this year no one, including the organizers, are very into it. Here now are some of the exhibitors you can look forward to (or not):

• another Roomba, except this one's more oval shaped? Who cares

• I dunno, a remote control for the washer and dryer that controls them? 

• Some bullshit thing you wear on your wrist that monitors your whatever

• Could you change the image on the big screen so we can watch football or something?

• This new vape pen that doubles as a breathalyzer... fuck, this is lame

• Are you guys leaving? Can I get a ride? You leaving now?

"One Good Thing About Pathmark, When It Hits You, You Feel No Pain."

EADJ Pun Police: Hall Monitor Edition

"All right, guys. The third period bell is about to ring, so make your way to your classrooms. Anyone caught in the hallway will get a tardy or a trip to the principal. And let's keep any puns to a minimum."

"A sign in an Indian eatery. Ugh. Really? They couldn't do better than '(curry)ently?' That's a stern warning from me."

"Simply Ear-Resistable? That means it is resistable, but with ears. BAD BUNNY."

"Okay, this one is waffle... I mean, AWFUL. It deserves a write up. Easily a mark on your record there."

"HAIR YE, HAIR YE. Oh that is painful. Plus the second sentence is just the worst. Here's your violation slip– go directly to the principal's office. And NO RUNNING."

"Aggghh! So many puns! Too many! I'm gonna need back up! Mr. Senheim, come out to the hallway! I'm in over my head here! HEEEELLLLLPP!"

The ProofrEADJer: April Edition

UAG

 

Fringe Backdrop

Spotted On a Morning Dog Walk

It's nice to see people are still bootlegging the best, although I'm not sure why "Trouble Man" is so far down on the playlist (20 out of 22)

Also "17 MARCY MARCY ME"?

Let's All Say Goodbye To Some Advertising Straw Men!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

A Pamphlet I Spotted at City Hall

"TOGETHER WE CAN CONTROL RATS"

Cool! I wanna control the back legs!

An Imagined Conversation

"And here's our new in-store display! Do you like it?"

"..."

"What?"

"Did you recently watch 'Thelma and Louise'?"

"What? No. Why would you ask..."

"Two women wearing sunglasses in a convertible. That doesn't look like 'Thelma and Louise' to you?"

"Well, I can see the resemblance, now that you mention it, but..."

"We can't have our customers buying our Daily Intimate Wash and then driving off a cliff, Samantha."

"I don't think anyone is going to see this poster and..."

"'Let's just keep going, Thelma!'"

"Oh Christ. Okay, I'll change it."

Some Hollywood Movies Based On the Names of Racehorses in the Kingston Stakes

Hollywood is out of ideas. And the major studios are looking everywhere for source material for their next movie. Luckily, they found inspiration in the Kingston Stakes scoreboard and have announced movies that they have greenlit for the fall based on racehorses' names.

Here are the movies already in development:

"Lamb Cop" starring Jason Bateman and Jon Heder

A young cop from the city (Bateman) moves to a small town and deputizes a former freak show performer who is half man/half lamb (Heder). Together they solve a series of carnival-related murders and crimes. Executive produced by Tim Burton

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"STIPULATE" starring Alexander Skarsgård and Amandla Stenberg

This stalker horror movie pits a young lawyer (Stenberg) against a psycho client (Skarsgård) who wants her to take his murder case. Also starring Jean Smart and Stephen McKinley Henderson as the senior partners who insist she take the case.

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"Athenian Idol" starring Faizon Love, Simu Liu and Elias Koteas

A singing competition filming in Greece turns deadly when terrorists take over the arena. It is up to the show's three judges to find a way to take out the bad guys. Also starring Monique Lattimore as the harried producer.

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"I'm Driven" starring Carey Mulligan, Daniel Kaluuya, and Adam Driver

This spoof of racing dramas like Ferrari and Ford & Ferrari features three rival Grand Prix drivers who will lie, cheat and steal to win this year's race. Who will be the most ruthless to claim the trophy?

Good Lord.

 Spotted on Facebook (because old people are on Facebook):

The Joel Ostend Audio Devotional, which looks suspiciously like a repurposed Sharper Image white noise device. Or a humidifier that makes waffles. Or an alarm clock that sweeps the carpet.

What in the St. Francis of Assisi is going on here? Is the device THAT big? Is this actually a brilliant Martin Short bit? Because it sure looks like it.

Hawaii Roof Was Nervous.

 

Hawaii Roof was nervous.

Workout Machine couldn't bear to look.

Electric Meter Camel smiled upside down.

Side of House was scandalized.

And Detergent Jugs all sat in silent judgment.

"Do Not Take Life Too Seriously. You Will Never Get Out of It Pathmark."