A Few More Theories

• It is Lil' Marshall, one of three lovable new characters on the new cartoon series BABY C-KERS! Watch Lil' Karen and "SweePea" Krivkovich get all pitchcrazy with Lil' Dean, Teenage Phil May and "Spider-Boy" in tow! Special appearances by Lil' Kat McGrath, The CKPR clubhouse gang, and the infant Joe Nudelman (don't laugh)!

• "marshall ross was recently in NY for an ad club ceremony. marshall ross has joined hairclub for men, and will now be seen in their commercials swimming with his shirt off. he also bought a coonskin cap, but the hair growth and the cap counteract each other to the point where no one knows where one ends and the other begins." -from Andrew Gall

• It is actually a trompe l'oeil, or "trick of the eye" due to solar flares, pollution haze and a hanging coonskin cap.

• Computers?

The Dickside Chats, Part One (Entry #396)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, thoughts, and general feedback on this eponymous blog. This is part one of a very special, very intimate series:

Andrew: Ladies and gentleman, I find myself in a very special place today--conversing with Joel himself on the eve of historic post #400. Joel, to start things off: did you ever imagine that things would reach this apex? I mean, we've been through everything from you eating dick to chimp servants to tyanna to you eating additional dick to corner bakery table tent workouts to you eating mondo dick to utilizing watches "for scale." Did you ever imagine the "legs" that EADJ has exhibited, and is there any reason NOT to expect things to continue unabated?

Joel: Did I imagine EADJ having "legs"? Well, perhaps a third one. I'm here all week! Try the veal! Seriously, Giles--can I call you Giles? You misuse the word "apex": I think this website has only just begun to live. White lace and promises. A kiss for luck and we're on our way.

Andrew: Alright. My apologies for the grammar snafu. Let’s keep going. Many loyal readers and non-dick-eating featured subjects or bit players on EADJ have at one time or another been contacted as a result of being located on the blog. Michelle’s stalker that looks like David comes to mind. What do you think are the ramifications of being able to track down someone via EADJ? Have we stumbled upon a new, streamlined process for finding people? Is it dangerous? What would Dean Hacohen say? Is it hard to talk with a dick constantly in your mouth?

Joel: Longer questions aren't better questions, Brent. You're not giving me a dick. Goodnight! And tip your servers! I think it's important that EADJ constantly destroys itself, to rise again as something new, and relevant. The dominant paradigm ensures in its victory its own destruction. So, too, must EADJ evolve past just dicks in my mouth. As for what Dean Hacohen would say, I think it would be, "Are you gonna finish that?" And I'd say, "Yes Dean, I am. Stop asking."

Keep reading in the coming days for more of "The Dickside Chats."

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad checks out the latest "Savage Love")

Minazo, We Hardly Knew Ye.

(AP) Yokohama (Kyodo) Minazo, Japan's largest seal, died this week having charmed visitors for 10 1/2 years at Enoshima Aquarium in Fujisawa Kanagawa Prefecture, aquarium officials said.

Minazo quickly rose to stardom at the aquarium, where his three shows a day proved a hit with visitors. More recently, he became a web phenomenon on ihasabucket.com

Minazo brought such joy to Japanese children. He can only be replaced now by video games, sticker machines, dolls, talking robots, violent game shows, anime, manga, tamagochi, Gundam, panties in vending machines, bubble gum beverages, chillingly deviant pornography, vinyl toys, Hello Kitty, complicated toilets, cosplay, chindogu, karaoke, Dance Dance Revolution, hotels where you sleep in a tube, super-advanced cell phones, drift-car racing, and dressing up like James Dean.

A funeral service will be held on Friday at the Enoshima Mausoleum and Food Court. Celebrities such as Young Jeezy and Tianna, the angora bunny, are expected to attend.

Eat a Dickfer, Joelfer

You know those Swiffer commercials where women are having a heart-to-heart with someone offscreen, and it's later revealed that they're actually talking to a goddamned MOP?! BWAHAHAHA!! Joel wrote those!

My favorite in the series is the one where a female executive is about to fire someone, telling them their work has "gotten sloppy" and whatnot, and it turns out to be a MOP instead of an employee!!!!! Fuckin' classic, man! How does Joel do it?

But I saw on YouTube recently a Swiffer ad that I hadn't seen. It was one where this woman is talking to what you're supposed to think is her son. "Why are you eating so much dick? You're disappointing me with how much dick you're chugging on a daily basis. I can't even park in the driveway anymore!" And the camera pans over, and it's JOEL sitting there!!! Must be a director's cut or something.

(pictured above, Dean loses a bet with Brian Bennett over the proper usage of "affect" vs "effect.")

Unnecessary Rant No. 1

Natalie Merchant's mouth is music's gaping armpit with teeth.

Why would I say such a thing? Because whenever she opens her mouth to sing her soft pop/rock pap about eating for two or talking about the weather, I get a violent urge to strangle whatever baby I'm holding and smash the radio with my foot.

The accompanying music is pretty vanilla-beige khaki bad, but it's Merchant's voice which really sends any song of hers into the stratosphere (dong!) of horrificly unlistenable. The way she pronounces every vowel as if it were an "A:" The word "natural" is turned into "nataral," and "misinformation" is "masanfarmatian." Anfariatang.

I remember being fooled in the early eighties when I saw the cassette tapes with "10,000 MANIACS" in Camelot Music. "Cool!" I thought, "Maniacs are awesome. This music should be kickass!" Only to pop a tape in the boom box and hear the equivalent of musical Pepto Bismol placenta cockhorse oozing out of my speakers.

Natalie Merchant, if you are reading this, I despise your music and I've never liked your bouncy bob haircut. Give Joel a break and eat my dick yourself.

(pictured above, Dean bosses around Melissa Grein for the last fucking time)

Asscheeky Monkey

(Editor's Note: EADJ has been fortunate to have recently met up with Joel Himself in L.A. recently. The full interview and photo spread will be posted soon.)

Joel's getting more famous by the day.

Just yesterday, Dora the Explorer made an allusion to Joel on its program. While looking for "The Big Red Chicken," Dora mentions to her monkey companion Boots how their search is a lot like Joel's never-ending search for dick to eat. Kewl!

Restoration Hardware has announced a new line of outdoor furniture designed for Joel and his al fresco dick eating. The Coctoss armless chaise, for example, allows for adjustable reclining with a kneeling area and a jawrest, boasting weatherproof linen cushions and solid teak legs. $869, with free shipping.

In the most recent issue of Hustler Barely Legal, a woman dresses up as Joel and eats two dudes' dicks in an "homage/tribute." Hustler's editors wrote that they even recreated Joel's shitty studio apartment. The issue has been so popular that a copy can now go for $45 on eBay.

Joel has his own entry in Wikipedia! The entry breaks down his forty dick-eating techniques, his cultural significance, a full list of the celebrity cocks that he's eaten, and many, many misspellings.

(pictured above, Brad does some Curlz at his goodbye party)

Laying it on thick

Things I don't expect to hear anytime soon from a cab driver:

"Those bike messengers are a pure delight!"

"You want to pay with a credit card? No problem, boss!"

"Why yes, I will hang up my cell phone so that I can concentrate on driving."

"Rice and Western? I know exactly where that is and will get you there posthaste!"

"You want a receipt? Here, take a whole pad of 'em!"

"You're right. Me blasting NPR doesn't make me appear any smarter. I'll turn it down."

"There are seven of you, and you're all obnoxiously drunk? Pile in, kids!"

"My name is Dean Hacohen."

"You don't have enough money? TUUUUUUUU!"

"You no make fun. My name really TRAN PHAT."


(pictured above, Nancy M watches as four gallons of sour cream are slathered onto her ginormous Morton's tater)

Something smells moist.

(pictured above, Dean Hacohen once again puzzled by Jessica showing off her ass)

Dick To the Future

An unconfirmed source has leaked that Joel was unceremoniously dropped as spokesman for Glide Comfort Plus Dental Floss.

Representatives and lawyers from Crest Corporation held a conference at a Chili's Express in Audobon, New Jersey.

"Joel has been an exemplary figurehead for getting big chunks of meat from between his teeth," said attorney Myron Noodleman, "Glide Comfort Plus has been lucky to have his services for the last 8 months, but we feel that we're being pigeonholed as purely a dick floss due to the association with Joel."

Crest has opted to honor the contract with Joel and pay him the twelve crates of dick without him having to film any more commercials or make any more appearances at malls.

Joel has since started negotiations with a local toothpick company, Woodflickers.

(pictured above, through the magic of modern technology– and with a little help from MIS– Dean picks boogers from 700 miles away)

Toss It Like It's Hot

(pictured above, Emily 2 becomes a futo maki while Dean mugs)

Spla-BAMMMM!

(Joel is on a 4-day vacation in the Florida Keys, so EADJ is taking a journalistic hiatus)

Hey, we should nickname Jessica's crack. What do you guys say?

I think StinkeRhonda is a good start. Submit your name nominations in the comments!

(pictured above, Dean asks Melinda to order another lunch for a status meeting)

Jessica's Crack: An In-Depth Peek

(the following is an exclusive interview with Jessica's crack by EADJ field reporter Sue McCloskey)

SM: Thank you for coming.

JC: It's good to be here.

SM: So, let's get started. You've led a very public life, being the crack of an ass and all.

JC: Yes, that's true. But I believe it's a harsh misconception, and I've been trying to fight it all my life. I'm a very private person, actually.

SM: And Jessica seems so out there.


JC: She does, bless her heart. But try to separate the girl from the crack of her ass for a second?

SM: Okay.

JC: I myself don't crave the public eye. But the very fact that I am so large makes it hard to hide.

SM: You say you're large? How is that?

JC: (puffing a cigarette) I am unusually long for the crack of an ass. Where most people's ass cracks end three to four inches north of their butthole, mine stretches far beyond, almost to Jessica's waist.

SM: I see.

JC: (blowing out a long plume of smoke) Add to that the burden of Jessica wearing low-rider, hip-hugging jeans all the time, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

SM: I hate that expression.

JC: Sorry.

SM: S'okay. So you've grown up in the public eye, and now you're pretty much a celebrity, whether you wanted to be or not. What's next for Jessica's crack?

JC: Well, I really love strutting my stuff, so I've signed on to appear in next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I'm paired up with one of the members of Blackstreet.

SM: Omarion?

JC: No, you're thinking of B2K.

SM: Oh. And what else?

JC: (taking a sip from her chocolatini) I've signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin Books to write my memoirs. It's called "Tainted Memories– The Rise and Fall of Jessica's Butt Slit."

SM: Neat.

JC: I've also started a foundation in Boston for girls with long ass cleavage. It's called 2 Cheeks & Hope.

SM: That's so great of you. You seem so involved for an ass crack.

JC: I believe you can transcend expectations and be whatever you want to be. The fact that my main function is pushing out corn-ridden torpedoes and floating air biscuits doesn't hold me back from my dreams.

SM: I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can learn from your wise words, Jessica's crack.

JC: I hope so. (taking a bite of her black olive crostini) For the children's sake, I certainly hope so.

Not on the same page

A heated argument broke out between Joel and his chimp servant this morning.

It all began when the chimp served Joel his usual breakfast of a Western frittata with a side of dick. Joel pointed out that his side of dick wasn't as large or dicky as it usually is. The chimp servant responded by stabbing Joel in the neck with a paring knife.

Joel suffered a mild rupture of the carotid artery, resulting in the loss of 8 pints of blood. The chimp servant expressed regret to Joel as it drove him to a nearby animal hospital. It even promised to buy more dick on the way home.

The hospital serves no dick after 11am, so Joel is still without dick as we speak.

(pictured above, Nikki explains to Dean in detail what a pap smear is.)

The Dean-a-thon Continues.

Joel eats dick.

(pictured above, what Dean's face looks like when he's saying "Why are you taking a picture of her ass?")

Happy Birthday, Dean!

(pictured above, to help celebrate Dean's birthday yesterday, two renditions of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson have sex on Dean's shoulder)

The Dick Thickens

Anyone who's ever met a Belgian knows that the Belgian people are an intense, singleminded people. So when the Belgian consulate in Washington D.C. announced that they were including Joel Eating Dick as part of the emblem of their national flag, you knew they weren't being facetious.

Political talk shows, most notably "Hardball" with Chris Matthews, thought the announcement was a ploy to curry favor with the United States through Joel eating dick. Bill O' Reilly even went so far as to call Joel "A dick-eating lapdog of the outdated Belgian monarchy." India thought the announcement was a ploy to curry flavor.

(pictured above, a chart)