UAG

Surplus Slogans For A Shitty Shark Movie

The Literal Dehumanization of the NJ Transit Survey

I rode on the NJ Transit train recently and found the latest Transit survey brochure. This year it didn't have the old familiar crowd of six characters as featured in previous brochures:

No, this time someone just chose to fire up Microsoft Excel instead and turn a cheap chart into the brochure's main visual. It breaks my heart and makes my retinas bleed:

Instead of our beloved six, there's now an ugly pie chart with five wedges. WTH? Here's a forensic breakdown of what we think happened to the beloved six and which wedges of the pie chart they morphed into:

"Jesse" = FY14

Jesse's boring, conservative persona has been distilled into a harmless navy blue wedge. It won't offend anyone, and it matches perfectly with any pair of khakis you may be wearing to Rush.

"Jess" = FY13

Jess became the slightly brighter, more confident blue wedge of the pie. Her energy and verve have been captured with this fun-loving, friendly shade of azure. You go, Jess!

"Trina" = FY15

Leave it to Trina to boast a lusty purple wedge. The color almost matches her too-tight top and it's top-heaviness echoes her physique.

"Angie" and "Simon Peter" = FY12

Yeah, I know, it's unfair that they have to share a wedge. Mainly because she's a disembodied head, and he's a friggin' useless tool, so they add up to one. Life ain't fair, Charlie.

"Don With The Thumbs" = FY16

The man of the hour gets not only the biggest slice but the most flamboyant color the printers had available. This feels right because DWTT is all about calling attention to himself and being generally awesome. Good on ya, Don!

Did we make the right match ups? Text "USELESSANALYSIS" to 53562 to tell us or to submit your own ideas! Message and Data Rates May Apply

A Gross Mystery.

This is Beth's desk.


And this is the area in front of Beth's desk:





So I told Beth about the toenails or fingernails in front of her desk. And she said, "They're probably Lorraine's. She bites her nails a lot."

But here's Lorraine:


So what the fuck?

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."