Hawaii Roof Was Nervous.

 

Hawaii Roof was nervous.

Workout Machine couldn't bear to look.

Electric Meter Camel smiled upside down.

Side of House was scandalized.

And Detergent Jugs all sat in silent judgment.

New EADJ Segment: Mister Salty Speaks

In an effort to bring fresh thinking into this tired, unfunny blog, occasionally we'll test drive a new segment to see if it sticks. Here's a new one: MISTER SALTY SPEAKS:

He's a sailor. He's salty. Why wouldn't he speak this way?

Yogurt Entry

 

Bitches be lovin' some yogurt, but they live very active lifestyles and need to have their yogurt on the go. So companies have bent over backward to provide both efficient yogurt delivery conveyances and developing products that move with bitches' active lifestyles.

 

One product in particular is Go-Gurt by Yoplait. They've taken the squeeziness of a delicious ice cream push-up and have applied it to fermented yogurt cultures! DELISH!

 

But apparently people are slurping it up, because it's been a General Mills bestseller since 1999.

 

The other way yogurt has been made more accessible is by the rise of yogurt trucks (at least in NYC).

Woe is the guy drunk in the middle of the day who stumbles up to what he thinks is a Mister Softee truck and he gets a mouthful of froyo. If he's drunk enough, he might not be able to tell the difference, so it's cool.

Many companies are jumping on this yogurt truck bandwagon. Here now are some nomenclature suggestions should any of these startups need a name:

• Mo' Money, Yo' Toppings

• Humphrey YoGart

• The YoGurt Go-Curt

• Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo, Check It Out

• We Can't Legally Call It Ice Cream

• Barack YObamagurt

• 'Gurt You Yo It's True

• Brogurt (for men only)

• Make It So-gurt- a Star Trek:The Next Generation-themed brand of frozen yogurt

• Yo-Gertrude Stein

•  Perry Ellis Yogurt- the Perry Ellis brand has been out of the spotlight for a while now, and this would be a golden opportunity for Perry Ellis to introduce themselves to a new generation of consumers- in this case, via high quality frozen yogurt.

• AreYOla- topless frozen yogurt van with stripper servers

• EbYOla Virus

• Oy-Gurt- yogurt served by English skinheads. Get 10 yogurts for a free punch in the neck.

• BoGurt- a van where former American Idol star Bo Bice will serve you frozen yogurt. You will not recognize him.

• TU ORGY- an "edgy" version of the frozen yogurt van, brought to you by VICE Magazine. They make fun of your clothes while you order and tell you all about the blood sacrifice ceremony of the shamans on the Indonesian island of Sumba.

• John Fogerty's Yogurty- you got to hidey-hide...

• Tyler Perry's Yogurt- Serves only one flavor. Guess what it is.

EADJ Retail Hell!

This week, EADJ fixes its lens on the rich, vibrant culture that is retail. From merchandise to casual and lunchtime dining, we will assess, examine, judge, condemn, and sexually assault.


First up, a café in Midtown. It's just another middling Cosi-wannabe that doesn't offer anything new, but what EADJ found interesting was that the manager had set up his office smack dab in the middle of the dining area.


I'm guessing there was no room in the back to set up a proper desk, but it seems odd that they would actually take space away from customers to run the stupid place. Dumbbbbbbbb.


Adding to the dumbness is how enormous the food preparation area is. One guy working the register doesn't need a train car-sized counter to make a skim latte. Knock that boy down and throw your dumb Dell Computer back there, you dumb dummies.


Not pictured on the far wall (to the left of J'Net) were a few refrigerated displays and another serving counter for sandwiches and salads, separated by a huge OPEN FLOOR. So there's obviously some wasted space, but Sir Dumbalot Mullet Cockhorse Buttnugget decided to put his disorganized managing style in full public display. Kudos, good sir!

♥♥♥ EADJ Connections, Part 4 ♥♥♥

Today, Ayana contacted the EADJ offices in New York to report an EADJ connection: that a C-K candidate forgot her last name, googled "Ayana" and "Cramer-Krasselt," and found Ayana looking at a Goatse from our October 2 entry!

"Hysterical. If you google me, there's a giant shot of an ANUS that I'm looking at!!! Love it." Ayana added.

Good sleuthing, potential C-K replacement for Ranee Wu!

Also today, Michelle Litos reported that her old classmate who had found her through EADJ had just contacted her through Facebook, another stalker's wonderland:



The super-weird thing, though, is that the dude sort of resembles EADJ Editor David Estoye, but with a winning smile and dimples:


What's with the grocery store roses? And is that motherfucker wearing a cape? Weirdo.

Michelle could not confirm the whereabouts of Karen, Sandy or Melanie.

These latest EADJ connections confirm a widely held belief that through the combined forces of Google and Eat a Dick Joel, anyone can find a photo of anyone else taking a poop. Thanks, technology!

***UPDATE*** It is possible, however unconfirmed, that Michelle's college friend is actually Lestat, the famous vampire from the Anne Rice novels.

Smecial Dreams Entry!

"I had a dream last night that Jen Stankovic was a fire marshall and she was leading a bunch of people downstairs...Weird."
-Michelle Litos

"I had a dream last night that Marshall was yelling at me. Jesus."
-Andrew Gall

"Ranee Wu had a dream about me in a thong. HOT."
-David Estoye

"I had a dream about John Carstens criticizing my ceilings."
-Marshall Ross

"I have never seen the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson."
-Vince Soliven

(pictured above, while Vince tries to decide between chicken and barbacoa burrito bowls for the 800th time, I'm wondering what would wash down goat curry best.