Guess Who Was Spotted in the Latest Episode of South Park

Well, well, well. It appears after three years and no updates, the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has decided to appear and join South Park's Season 28 Episode 4 "Turkey Trot".

Welcome back, Mr. Wood!

A New Entry To A Very Old Bit

Pictured below, the Way Older, Bald, Mustachoed Version of Scott Peterson

Welcome, W.O.B.M.V.O.S.P.!

The EADJ Debut of The MAGA, Head Up His Ass, Right Wing Version of Scott Peterson

Found on Facebook through a friend of a friend (that's my laugh emoji, btw):

Yes, There Is A 2016 Update To The Shorter, Fatter Version Of Scott Peterson, Featuring the Original Cast

By the way, Disney now owns the reboot rights to T.S.F.V.O.S.P.

And second by the way, here is the "lightning in a bottle" that Todd was talking about, from an EADJ entry back in March 5, 2007.

Smecial Dreams Entry

I guess I published it.

The Meatier, Tastier Version Of Scott Peterson

It has come to our attention that Chicago is not only the home of Scott Peterson and the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, but also Scott Petersen meat products. Why Chicago is home to so much Scott Peterson/Petersen action, we do not have the technology to know yet. I suspect it has something to do with the Chicago River and Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle."

From the website:

"If you’re from Chicago, then you know Scott Petersen. Prepared in small batches and following centuries-old methods, Scott Petersen smoked and polish sausages, deli meats and Chicago-style hot dogs are known as the flavor of the Windy City by loyal customers across the nation. Seasoned by hand with a unique spice blend, you know you are enjoying a true tradition after just one bite."

For fairness' sake, I decided to do similar write-ups for the other two Scott Petersons:

"If you’re from Chicago, then you know Scott Peterson. Often spotted in golf shirts and surrounded by obsolete Zip drives, Scott Peterson is known as a one true original of the Windy City by co-workers across the nation. Seasoned by hand with a unique spice blend, you know you are enjoying a true tradition after just one bite."

"If you work at 225 North Michigan Avenue and use the one elevator bank (and you're not Vince Soliven), then you may have at one time spotted the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. Prepared in shorter, fatter batches and following centuries-old methods, the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson is also known as the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson by perplexed witnesses across 225 North Michigan Avenue and the surrounding offices around Administar Federal. Seasoned by Wood with a short, fat spice blend, you know you are catching a true tradition after just one glance."

Scott Petersen produces sausages, hot dogs, bologna, bacon, and lunchmeat.

Update: Administar Federal has an impressive website.

Proving A Point Made In An Entry From Last Week

An IM Convo

I got this IM from Tom Weingard (note the shitty AT&T reception in fucking Manhattan):

 

Here's the link he sent.

 

I didn't get around to telling Tom that the Scott Peterson we do a bit about isn't the murdering Scott Peterson.

 

So for getting the wrong Peterson wrong twice removed– through no fault of his own because he's never met the non-short, non-fat (?), non-murderer Scott Peterson from Chicago– I think Tom should win some sort of award or something. Like the inverse of a Golden Mollusk Award.

So at the bottom of this page, we have bestowed upon him the first Kevlar Portuguese Man Of War Award, which at pawn shops can command an impressive $15. Congrats, Tom!

A Rear Entry

Submitted by Emily Kane via text at 7:38pm last night:

"SFVOSP!! Couldn't get frontal. Deal with it."

Although this does not earn Emily another Mollusk Award to accompany her Platinum Mollusk Award at the bottom of this page, she is commended for her late night diligence stalking the tunnels of her former employer, Unnamed Organization.

An Open Letter To The Real Scott Peterson

Hi Scott


How are you. I am fine. Just wanted you to know about a disturbing email I received this afternoon. It appears that there's someone online who is trying to use your good name to make a living as a still life photographer. Just thought you should know that they are trying to profit by impersonating you, Scott Peterson.

I do realize that you're a filmmaker, and although you work with cameras and have a good eye for shots, this probably isn't you. I suggest you lawyer up and take this "Wetter, Thirstier Version Of Scott Peterson" for everything he is. This is a big world, yet it's very, very unlikely that there are any other people by the unique name of Scott Peterson out there.

Love,

EADJ

Let's Tack A "Do Not Resuscitate" Sign To The EADJ Mail Sack When It's Sleeping! ***TEXTARIFFIC ENTRY***

A text from John Reid:

 

A submission for the next EADJ Pun Cops from Andrew Gall:

 

A "shorter, fatter and saltier" version of Scott Peterson, submitted by Larry Liss:

 

Also submitted by John Reid: "Ha."

 

A texted photo from Tom Weingard: "Found in the trash in a bathroom in a Greek restaurant in Union Square."

This texted to me from my brother Jay: "How dare they."

 

And finally, yet another entry submitted by John Reid: "Good to see you the other day."

Thanks to all the submitters. You guys have big dicks.

Entropy At Pathmark

The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that in general, the total entropy of any system is always increasing.

EMBRACE THE CHAOS. WHITNEY HOUSTON CD COLLECTION.

It's Time To Retire Dr. Fish

A dumb premise. A poorly thought out character. An unpopular segment. These are the voyages of the Starship Dr. Fish. We at EADJ think it's about time we put this awful, unfunny, one-joke bit to death. It's a dumb segment- and coming from a blog that has featured a chimp servant, plastic hillbilly teeth, a how-to segment by a limo driver who is not Vince's uncle, racist appliances, a Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, and an Ugly Andrew Gall- that's saying a lot.

Yes, it's time to join the Curlz MT, Tianna, and the Suzemily Players segments in the EADJ Retirement Home.


Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Do you mean to tell us that we've been throwing segments to the wayside left and right and haven't thought to dump your sorry ass? No, wait. You have to be an official, established EADJ segment to be retired. Instead of being the pathetic, annoying, uninvited, insipid, infuriating piece-of-dog-turd intrusion that you are. Sometimes I wish I could build a theme park by the side of the Grand Canyon and advertise it as "The Only Theme Park Next To The Grand Canyon!" so you would be interested and pay a ticket to ride the roller coaster, and just when you start going down the highest hill, I could have my theme park workers redirect the track into the gaping, cavernous maw of the Grand Canyon for you and the roller coaster car to fall into, never to be heard from again.


Don't worry. We'd find a way to get you on that thing.

A Sort Of Kind Of An Update

Below, the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson sort of spotted in the March issue of The New Yorker.

Let's Disregard All the Safety Labels on the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein, a Facebook update by Scott Peterson:


Apparently Scott Peterson was on the Mad Men site and created a new profile picture.


So, naturally we had to do this:

Bonus Brooklyn Car Badassery!

Something occurred on my street that I did not expect.

A man was asleep in an idling van. And not just any man.


Yes, my friends. It would appear that the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has reentered my life.


There are tears in my eyes. There's a lump in my pants. Oh, SFVOSP, how I've missed you. How I've yearned for your return. Thank you, Jesus.

<3

You Might Not Be Ready For This.

Just when we thought the matter had died down, and there was no more reason to ever report on it again, it happened: we came across a TALLER, YOUNGER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON.




Such a bombshell has rocked the scientific community, especially since the last spotting of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was as long ago as October 26, 2007 by Emilies Sander and Kane. Journals everywhere are scrambling to publish the findings. Curiously, however, Scott himself is unimpressed:

(via email) "There is a slight resemblance, however he seems to lack my outgoing personality."

Personality aside, this new discovery opens a whole slew of new possibilities. Is Scott not the end but merely a link in the ongoing evolution of his species? Or could it perversely actually BE the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson who's moved to New York with weight-loss, shoe lifts, and a few chemical peels? Such a notion is possible considering the abrupt end of SFVOSP spottings in Chicago.




It should again be noted here that Vince has NEVER seen the SFVOSP.