UAG

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."

Let's Exclude the EADJ Mail Sack From All Our Inside Jokes, So That It Stops Hanging Out With Us!

Submitted by Vince, "a slightly plumper, more gay version of pewter bear:"



What do you think of that, Pewter Bear?


Damn right it's mean-spirited, you shitnosed fucksack!

Pewter Bear weighs in.

So, Pewter Bear, do you have any theories of why people have seen so many doubles of other people lately?


Man, it's a good thing my parents are in town, Pewter Bear. Cuz if not, I'd be breaking your despicable little legs right now. How is it you continue to EXIST?! God!!!

Hecka-Breaking News!

In some sort of cosmic synchronicity, two separate doppelganger spottings have been reported today.

Flicklicker saw "a less brown, less confused looking, more fauxhawked version of Vince in the Michigan Plaza lobby" and reported it to EADJ authorities.

Then Matt Webb chimed in after coming across our original Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson:

"Just had a sfvosp sighting... Jeans, green striped shirt and MANDLES, oh with socks."

Stay tuned for the latest in these developing stories. We now return you to "She Spies" on TNT, already in progress.

(pictured above, the best rendition of the SFVOSP that I could make, given that I had no drawing tools or scanner handy and was in the middle of eating a chicken caesar salad)

*****HECKA-BREAKING UPDATE:******

Andrew has reported a third doppelganger at Cramer-Krasselt: "we have a shorter, younger, darker-haired, just-as-friendly Phil Flickinger working as an intern. We just went to lunch with him."