EADJ Program Note

Thanks to Fiverr's yanitsa for this video!

Fiverr Delivers Again

Thanks to Fiverr seller broadcastking for this exclusive EADJ puppet rap video.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Ciara was the only customer at Lex Luthor's western bar.

Wow, how did they find a 12 year old conspiracy theorist to draw the cover?

There's a lot going on here. But I'll allow it.

The amount of effort it took to take a screenshot, boy howdy.

Okay, this one completely confuses me. The album probably smells like Old Spice.

I'm disturbed, but I also want to burst out laughing. STUDENT WORK!

Ouch. Somebody is still reeling from that night at junior prom.

WORD CLOUDS ARE SO STREET.

Arby's has a pretty brutal ketchup dispenser nowadays.

An Old Segment Featuring An Old Joke, Submitted by An Old Friend: The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Phil Flicklicker:

"Spotted some Curlz in Oakland:"

UAG

This Week In Doppelgangers

A goofy, t-shirt stretching John Carstens,


Intense, painted Andrew Gall,


And ITT Tech-educated sound mixer Phil Flicklicker:

Let's Make the EADJ Mail Sack Say "TUUUUUU!"

Submitted by Flicklicker, "Tuuuuuuuuu!!!!"



For those of you who don't know what "TUUUUUU!" is, watch this.

Who Are We Advertising To?

In advertising, there are people whose job it is to define a target audience– to figure out exactly to whom one is selling. These people are called ACCOUNT PLANNERS. The good planners are often named Phil Flickinger, but there are others I've come across who do little more than throw together a perfunctory "mood board" with some glitter glue and shuffle around some important sounding words to pass off as work. This, of course, does not apply to my current job, where the planners are not doing that. Just want to clear that up to anyone who thinks that's the case. Because that would be stupid of me to do on a public blog. Ham sandwich.

Here are examples of some "demographics" that BAD planners invent to make it look like they did their job:

"Food Enthusiasts"- These go-get-'em achievers are successful, forward-thinking, and most of all, EAT FOOD! Whether it's breakfast in the morning, lunch around noon, or dinner in the evening, these "Food Enthusiasts" are always game for some "chow!" Some "F.E.'s" even enjoy eating in groups, which makes them very social! Ages 24-36. Income $20K-$789K

"Car Riders"- Ever meet someone who didn't like to walk 100 miles? Chances are they're "Car Riders," an emerging new demographic that really tends to stay inside an automobile when it's in motion. These upwardly mobile goal-oriented passengers are really gung-ho about being in a vehicle that's taking them somewhere! 50% male, 50% female. Income $2K-$3M

"Anti-Murderees"- Today's hectic society has created a new group who has proactively kept up with today's more dangerous times. This contemporary new social subdivision tends to REBEL against the idea of getting killed! Way to go, Anti-Murderees! You have taken a stand AGAINST being stabbed, shot, strangled, pushed out a window, crushed by boulders, shocked in the bathtub, poisoned by mercury, vaporized by atom bomb, and thrown to hungry Rottweilers! Keep up the good work! We salute you in your fight against becoming corpses! Income 4¢-$699 Trillion.

"Maracanalists" Young, hip, and ready to go at a moment's notice, this active group of fun-loving rebels buck the system and shoot for the stars by shoving the handle of Mexican maracas up their ass. Rejecting the traditional use of maracas as musical instruments or their buttholes as buttholes, they have "lifehacked" their environment to achieve their own ends, LITERALLY! Restricted to one guy on 163rd Street in the Bronx. Income, none.

(pictured above, a typical "Mood Board")

Let's Watch the EADJ Mail Sack Unload Groceries From the Minivan Without Helping!

Submitted by Phil Flicklicker, a splendid Jerald Photoshop tribute.



Disturbingly, this was sent last night at 12:37am.

*Editor's note* The very first EADJ Mail Sack submission was from Phil. And a hockey-related one at that!

Jay Leads the Las Vegas Men's Chorus.

Oh My Shit. ‡‡‡‡BREAKING SFVOSP NEWS!!!!‡‡‡‡

Last night, at exactly 7:43 pm, Emily Sander and Emily Kane spotted the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson!

"It was so amazing," Emily Sander texted, "Kane and I passed him on Michigan and then ran him down."

Sander and Kane's encounter has ended weeks of feverish speculation that Mister Wood had left his job at Adminastar Federal on the 22nd floor to pursue a career in fashion design or catty celebrity blogging. His last spotting was on Sept 25 by Phil Flicklicker.

This marks the first time in EADJ history that TWO people have spotted him together! The photograph above is only icing on the shorter, fatter cake. EADJ has seen fit to award both Emilies the coveted Platinum Mollusk Award for this watershed moment. Emily Sander's name has also been added to the list at the bottom of this page, under the shitty dartboard game.

Meanwhile, poor Vince has never seen the SFVOSP. Somebody help him!

Poker in the Front, Shorter Fatter in the Rear

The following Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson report has been filed by Phil Flicklicker:

"SFVOSP...in hallway over South Water.

He was wearing what I thought was a pocket protector. As I got closer, I noticed he had a black plastic fork in his shirt pocket."

(pictured above, the best rendition of Mr. Wood that I could do from memory)

Hecka-Breaking News!

In some sort of cosmic synchronicity, two separate doppelganger spottings have been reported today.

Flicklicker saw "a less brown, less confused looking, more fauxhawked version of Vince in the Michigan Plaza lobby" and reported it to EADJ authorities.

Then Matt Webb chimed in after coming across our original Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson:

"Just had a sfvosp sighting... Jeans, green striped shirt and MANDLES, oh with socks."

Stay tuned for the latest in these developing stories. We now return you to "She Spies" on TNT, already in progress.

(pictured above, the best rendition of the SFVOSP that I could make, given that I had no drawing tools or scanner handy and was in the middle of eating a chicken caesar salad)

*****HECKA-BREAKING UPDATE:******

Andrew has reported a third doppelganger at Cramer-Krasselt: "we have a shorter, younger, darker-haired, just-as-friendly Phil Flickinger working as an intern. We just went to lunch with him."

Spotted: Dick

Larry and Flicklicker are the latest in a series of recent sightings of Scott Peterson's less-high more-obese twin. Here is Larry's write-up:

Yes. Flick and I had a SFVOSP spotting last night (My second of the day). Which I’m told means I have to write something about this glorious moment. But since I’m getting the sense that people are growing weary of this topic, I think I can get away with repurposing an old letter to Penthouse Forum.

Dear Penthouse Forum EADJ Editor,

I can’t believe this actually happened to me Phil and I. There I was in the Kinko’s just after midnight, we were on the escalator of the Illinois Center at 5:30, when there I saw this smoking hot cashier bent over a copier, in a sexy low-cut skirt, allowing me a view of her ass-crack. The SVSOP In ill-fitting Toughskins, which gave us a view of his ass-crack.

She stood up and she gave me a knowing smile. A smile that said we were going to fuck. The SVSOP looked at us weirdly. A look that said, “why the fuck are all these people staring at me?” We stared at each other for what seemed like hours and then she began fumbling for my jeans and the bulge in my pants I began fumbling in my pants for my cell phone. Before I knew it we were going at it like animals. We went at it everywhere. On computers. Scanners. Desks. She even let me stick a stapler in her ass. After a half hour of screwing each other’s brains out, we collapsed in a sweaty heap on the floor, repeating the act three more times in the next hour. It was a night I’ll never forget. The SFVOSP was gone before we could get a pic. We were disappointed.

Name Withheld Phil and Larry

(pictured above, the altercation captured on a Post It)

The day is coming when all of us will have seen him.

The following was submitted by Phil Flicklicker, mere minutes ago:

SFVOSP Spotted. 2:03 PM, entering Sbarro’s with a matronly coworker wearing her ID on a lanyard. She said “you could get a salad”, and he responded by rolling his eyes flamboyantly and making that exhaling sound one makes to express disbelief. (Kind of like David’s brother’s “TUU” expression, but nonmusical and muffled.)

Phil blah blah blah Shorter Fatter Version blah blah blah list at the bottom of this page blah blah blah.

BONUS: Here's probably what it looked like when Mister Wood was born:

And What You Joel Is What You Dick

Luggage!

Joel went luggage shopping today at TravelPro in Santa Monica, hoping to find a light roller for his weekend dick-eating jaunts up the PCH.

He liked a blue medium upright, but the pockets were too shallow, and the wheels, although they did swivel in all directions, didn't have a brake mechanism (This second feature is important to Joel when he eats dick while waiting at a cab stand).

A silver hardside roller caught his eye, but the awkward handle and the $300 price tag weren't to his liking. Also, the compartments were too small to carry all his dick-eating paraphernalia and equipment.

Joel finally settled on a beige Walkabout Lite. It had a nice garment-hanging handle, two deep pockets for both weed and dick, and the expandable front flap sealed the deal. Joel could barely contain his erection as he skipped with the roller to his convertible Rabbit. His chimp servant seemed to enjoy the ride as well. On his erection.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu gets paid by pirating some holistic medicine booklet horseshit )

**SUZEMILY THEATRE UPDATE** Thanks to the persistent urgings of fans like Phil Flicklicker, both charter members of the Suzemily Theatre Players have agreed to return to the stage on Friday. The duo were seen rehearsing a scene from Grey's Anatomy earlier Wednesday by the Foursquare Court in the Creative Department Annex. Ticketmaster will open the box office at 7am tomorrow. Tickets start at $8 plus an $89 convenience charge.

Let's open the EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured, the first ever EADJ merch, submitted by Phil Flicklicker)

Snack on a Dong, Joel

Joel recently took an interest in the athletic phenomenon "Parkour" or "free running," when he saw some young toughs running around in a parking deck. After talking to them for fifteen minutes and eating their dicks for ten, Joel donned a track suit and hung out with them for the day.

"Parkour is an art that helps you overcome any obstacle," Joel wrote in his diary, "It's using the space around you to create beauty and movement. Also, those guys' dicks are DELICIOUS! <333333"


It was with this je ne sais quois and joie de vivre that Joel threw himself (literally!) into this new art. Shortly after attempting to jump from a handicapped rail to a regular stairwell rail, he broke a shoulderblade, both wrists, four ribs, his coccyx, one kneecap and bruised his jaw.

"Buh ah least I can stih eat dick!" he said from inside his body cast.

(pictured above, Phil & Maura's noble attempt to prevent people from walking through their Planner Ghetto to the bathrooms)