Bank of America Presents: New Trending Scams To Avoid to Protect Your Account

The security of your account at BofA is the most important thing to us. We have proactively discovered all the new ways that scammers are trying to access your information in order to steal your hard-earned money so that they can buy the newest iPhone to take pornographic selfies to post onto Instagram and OnlyFans. Sluts. Here are the newest ways that scammers are trying to fool you into sharing your account info:

• They hire a professional impressionist to pose as your mother to call you and ask you why you haven't found a new job yet and by the way what's your PIN number

• They post memes on Facebook that say things like: "LIKE if your account number ends in 5574 LOL"

• Instead of "phishing", they actually go fishing and forget about scamming you for a change. It's a good afternoon.

• They start their own bank called Bonk of America, with everything exactly like Bank of America but with the letter "o": stationery, signage, brochures, name tags. Then when you walk in to make a deposit, they say all the things we would say, but with an "o", like "How ore you?" It's creepy and pointless, really, but you gotta admire their initiative.

• They access all six Infinity Stones and change your account and routing number to something that's easily guessed. Gee, you'd think they'd do something more epic with all that power, but nope!

• Some guy shows up at your door claiming to be your long lost cousin Yadduk. You hit it off with him and he starts living in your guest room. In time, he becomes like family and on your deathbed you bequeath to Yadduk your Bank of America account. SCAMMED!

• They try the up-front approach and ask you for $450,000.

The SFVOSP: A Philosophical Conundrum

Sometime last week, Balls spotted the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. She was not completely surprised by seeing him, since she had spotted the enigmatic Mr. Wood before, but what really struck her this time was how much weight the SFVOSP had seemed to have gained.

So much weight, in fact, that she didn't think it even resembled Scott Peterson anymore.

This begs the question: How short and fat is TOO short or too fat and still resemble Scott Peterson? At what point is a doppelganger taken so far as to break any connection to its double? We asked the descendents of some of history's greatest philosophers what they thought of the conundrum:

"I don't understand the question."
Craig Descartes,
Assistant Manager at Chili's Express

"No one can ever be too fat to resemble someone else. No wait, yes they can, right?"
Katie Aristotle
Work-at-home mother

"This conundrum is probably the fault of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama."
Brit Hume
Fox News Anchor

"I like turtles."
Andrew Descartes Gall, referencing something only a few people get.

(pictured above, the gloriously expensive new peepee and poopoo rooms at Cramer-Krasselt, which will necessitate another cheapie Christmas party at Hard Rock Hotel this year)

Laying it on thick

Things I don't expect to hear anytime soon from a cab driver:

"Those bike messengers are a pure delight!"

"You want to pay with a credit card? No problem, boss!"

"Why yes, I will hang up my cell phone so that I can concentrate on driving."

"Rice and Western? I know exactly where that is and will get you there posthaste!"

"You want a receipt? Here, take a whole pad of 'em!"

"You're right. Me blasting NPR doesn't make me appear any smarter. I'll turn it down."

"There are seven of you, and you're all obnoxiously drunk? Pile in, kids!"

"My name is Dean Hacohen."

"You don't have enough money? TUUUUUUUU!"

"You no make fun. My name really TRAN PHAT."


(pictured above, Nancy M watches as four gallons of sour cream are slathered onto her ginormous Morton's tater)