The ProofrEADJer: August Edition

Mostly signage edition!

The EADJ Pun Police: Hogwarts Disciplinarian Edition

"Welcome class, to Hogwarts. My name is Hazel Showham, and you will call me Ms. Showham. In these halls, you are expected to restrict any magic to the classroom and NOT in the hallways between sessions for the duration of the semester. Also, since you now know the magical properties of words, any type of unauthorized wordplay or 'puns' will be dealt with immediately. Let this be your first and final warning."

"Ugh. WINE-ter? That isn't even close. Punus Eructo!"

"Not impressed. That isn't sophisticated at all. Begon terribulum!"

"Yawn. Awee flotillum!"

"Now this is interesting in how awful it is. It marries Halloween and Star Wars with terrible puns over the lame streetsmart phrase 'Keepin' it real.' Some extra effort was put into this multiple atrocity and will take an extra strong spell to be rid of it. ENTIRUUM GULAG!"

"Song lyrics turned into puns is particularly evil. Very dark evil. Gastrato millipedia!"

"New location? They serve guacamole? I don't love it, but I'll allow it. Stet."

"Oh goody. Food puns galore! With underlines so you GET IT! Punctuatis underlinum! Away!"

"Fie! A multiple pronged, lyrics-based pun! I know no spell powerful enough to suppress or counter it! Evacuate the school, children! Grab your brooms, fly to the nearest exit!"

UAG

An Open Letter To Pierce The Veil

Dear Pierce The Veil,

Wassup guys. How's it going. Oh, I'm good- thanks for asking. Hey, listen. I got the Rockabilia.com catalog in the mail the other day, with youse guys on the cover. Vic, Mike, Jaime and Tony, you guys all look great. Glad to see that everyone is doing well.

So I looked on the other side of the cover, and I was honestly astounded at how many different logos and type treatments for your band there are out there. I couldn't even spot two of the same design anywhere on the page! 

Look, guys. Wikipedia says you formed back in 2006. Eight years is long enough time to settle on a logo. ONE LOGO. The Beatles, AC/DC, Zeppelin, Nirvana. All of them had the occasional offshoot, but they stuck with a "flagship" logo that worked and built serious equity. You guys need to stop fucking around and land on something here. Seriously. I am not tattooing all 13 of these brainstormed ideas on my back. Get back to me ASAP.

Not really a fan and just doing this for this bit,

David

Overheard At The Moody Blues Barber Shop

"Morning."
"Hey there. Take a seat."
"Thanks."
"Okay, so what'll it be?"
(looks at Moody Blues poster)
"I was thinking something between a Lodge and a Thomas."
"What, in length?"
"Yeah. Just basically a medium trim off the top, but part it like a Hayward."
"You realize we don't have a Thomas anymore. Haven't since 2002 when Ray Thomas retired."
"That's too bad. I really like the way the sides are layered and brushed back."
"You can still get that. I can just do an Edge with a shorter length."
"You can do that?"
"Sure. I can do anything in Your Wildest Dreams, right?"
"That's corny."

An Update From Jersey

In a previous entry, we reported one of our neighbors in Jersey who had a bizarre way of decorating their lawn:


Whether for "aesthetic" reasons or because they were just too lazy to mow their own lawn, we're not certain.


But we did notice very recently that the neighbor did put in some extra effort to "enhance" their lawn rocks:



Yeah. Much better.

Two Unrelated Items

Spotted in the doorway of a Jersey Blimpie shop, JP rocks for Jesus. In the street. With a mean attitude.


Unless "JP" is the one name he rocks with, then "...Jesus" is him realizing how weird that is.

Item two, Gambino fights off imaginary ninjas.

Success at Work!

(pictured above, Barry wins a bet with J'Net over whether he could shot-put a rock through the front window at work. Enjoy the fiver, Barr-ster!)

Poker in the Front, Shorter Fatter in the Rear

The following Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson report has been filed by Phil Flicklicker:

"SFVOSP...in hallway over South Water.

He was wearing what I thought was a pocket protector. As I got closer, I noticed he had a black plastic fork in his shirt pocket."

(pictured above, the best rendition of Mr. Wood that I could do from memory)

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."

It's all dick to Joel.

Whenever Joel is in an introspective, soul-searching mood, he goes to the nearest sweat lodge and talks to his spirit animal, the angora rabbit.

His shaman translates from rabbitspeak whatever the spirit animal says to Joel. Last week it was "KILL ALL CHILDREN" and "RAPE SOMETHING, QUICK!" This week the wise angora rabbit said "WHY DO YOU LET THAT BLOG MAKE FUN OF YOU, YOU FUCKING PUSSY?!!!! MURDER THAT BLOGGER!!!! KILL HIM!!! BOMB HIS SERVER!!!!" Unfortunately, Joel was too busy eating the shaman's dick to write it down. Whoopsie.

(pictured above, the worst gang ever)