We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs What Are The Best Soccer Leagues In the World

"Ah, good question! Lots of futbol fans worldwide are wondering which are currently the highest ranked clubs. Lots of people I've spoken to lately have asked me that exact question."

"So without... ouch further ado, uh, here are the... f...five...top global soccer, uh, leagues according to (gah)... according to Opta / global rankings:"

1) English Premier League (England)

With an unmatched global re... cough... reach, ouch. I can't... massive financial power, high, uh, intensity, and a deep GAAKKKK talent pool... the English Premier League ranks at the very top. 

2) Serie A... Ahhhhh (Italy)

Transformed *wheeze* from a strictly defen... I can't breathe... defensive league... into one of... into one of Europe's most... OW OW OW OW OW OW... competitive title races with multiple rotating champions... get your heel out of my...  such as Inter Milan, AC Milan, Juventus, or... goddammit...Napoli.

3) Bundesliga (Ger... hey stop... Germany)

Known for their high-scoring matches and intense offensive play... Bundesliga boasts the most... *snaps neck, dies*