From The New Jersey Department of Children and Families: Peer Pressure: Why Follow The Crowd? More Importantly- Why Are You Such A Pussy?

UAG

Know The Difference!

Get it right, people! David Novarro is a TV news journalist for WABC-TV in the New York tri-state area.

Dave Navarro is the guitarist for Jane's Addiction and formerly of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

David Novarro is currently the co-anchor of the Eyewitness News 4pm Newscast alongside Liz Cho.

Dave Navarro has two pierced nipples and used to tap Carmen Electra's ass on the regular.

David Novarro was once voted "Best Newscaster" in a Chicago Kiss FM radio poll.

Dave Navarro's facial hair looks like felt cutouts of boomerangs glued on his head.

Dave Navarro prefers to play a black Gibson Les Paul or an Ibanez RG series guitar.

David Novarro once caught a lot of hatemail for saying it was "hot as hell" on a 2006 weathercast.

Dave Navarro has been neck deep in pussy longer than you can ever imagine.

So has David.

Blackberry Faces VIII and IX

The EADJ Gallery is pleased to announce not one, but two new acquisitions to the critically acclaimed "Blackberry Face" series.

These two significant pieces are essentially one photo captured on a New York 7 Train. Such a rare and beautiful occurrence is made even more incredible by the fact that it manages to document two different generations of Blackberry faces.

"Trevor and Josie" is a magnificent piece that captures the dichotomy of two generations, two sexes, and two pieces of technology. Trevor seems to grumpily collapse into his iPad browsing whilst Josie is upright but frowny-faced about her texting. Both cross their legs, but your eye is inevitably drawn towards Josie's crotch.

"Trevor and Josie" fill the eighth slot of this breathtaking octaptych, fulfilling the promise made by the Woodmere Art Museum curator Daphne Steins that the Blackberry Collection will be "the foremost exhibit in any metropolitan gallery in any city in Duluth, Minnesota."

The new exhibit will open on November 5. Gallery members and their guests will receive a 10% discount during regular viewing hours. Flash photography and videotaping will not be permitted. And please, smoking is not permitted inside the portico entrance.

This Was A Web Banner.

 

Did I click on it? Well, let's just say I know a few more things about cuttlefish. Like, did you know that cuttlefish bone is filled with gas? Cuttle-bone (the things you see in bird cages) has small chambers and like a submarine, filling or releasing the gas in them controls the cuttlefish's buoyancy!

As for the accompanying photo, I think Britney Spears or whoever the hell needs to get a fanny pack to carry her Fruit Roll-Ups like a proper lady.

Found On the Complimentary iPad In Four Seasons, Los Angeles

Lobsterfest® Doesn't Need Your Fucking Pity

At last, ages of planning have finally culminated in the 68th month of Red Lobster's Lobsterfest®, a harmless experiment that eventually grew into a depressing ordeal of pain, heartache, and delicious lobster morsels in butter-like liquid. Here now, we bring you seven, nay, fourteen new ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• You order lobster, we serve it to you. That there's one way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We hire Dantan Vederant, the most celebrated chef in the Northeast, who prepares and boils the most succulent lobsters over a 24 hour period. He lovingly places each lobster on a bed of Dominican Juma rice with the finest spices and savory butter and serves them exclusively to people in the restaurant named Gregory. Oh, your name isn't Gregory? Tsk tsk. Now that there is a frustrating way to almost enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 1011101 1001001 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011010 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1011011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011110 0111110 011000 1010011 0011000 0110010 011000 1011111 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011100 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0100010 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010111 0011010 0110110 011100 1011111 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011110 0110110 011100 1010001 0010110 0110110. So that has to be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, when you really think about it...

• Grasteun, son of Gallilard, famed horseman of the ancient and legendary Knights of Terranon, shall climb the dreaded peaks of Mt. Kavalichon in the Vulkar Mountain range and use his mighty sword Evunion to split asunder the Stone of Cymtarrigas. From there he will place the precious stone into the Terranonian Crown of Vanquishers and wipe down a table for you so that you can sit down and order some lousy crab fritters. Lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Fuck you.

• Do you enjoy pussy? Well, we don't offer pussy; we offer LOBSTER. You can get pussy elsewhere, but for now you can eat plenty of quality lobster for a decent price at Red Lobster. Sure, there are some prostitutes and loose women hanging out at the Red Lobster bar, willing to give you a cut of skank for a ten spot, but you can also get a nice, hearty meal with fresh lobster meat for only $12.99 which includes hush puppies, cole slaw, soup, and a small salad. Now that's a way to enjoy some serious pussy... I mean, lobster, at Lobsterfest® at Red Pussy.

• We buy out a local carpet dealership of all the carpets that they have in stock. We then roll hundreds of pounds of fresh lobster into every carpet, then sell it at an incredible 30% markdown. People who buy a carpet will take it home, unroll it on their living room floors, and discover an incredible bounty of sweet, moist lobster meat all over their hard wood floors. All the other local carpet dealers will be angry at us for a very long time! Somehow, you can tell that this would be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• We dry lobster meat on racks to make lobster jerky, which we bend and compress into tight staple shapes. The lobster staples actually fit into any standard industrial staple gun. You can load your staple gun and then shoot lobster staples onto your tongue, which compels you to seek legal action against us. Like, why would we make lobster staples so that you could injur yourself? I know, right?

• Lobster rolls are a cheap, vulgar reduction of the art of lobster cuisine into a common open-faced sandwich. Loaded with mayonnaise and the lowest quality grade of lobster, these lobster rolls are an insult to the sophisticated palate and an outright affront to the ah fuck it lobster rolls only $4.99 for a limited time at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

The Merits of Coochie, Cash & Cougars Versus Paper, Pussy & Purp: An Analysis

Two different hip hop mixtape organizations have come out with releases that have attracted the attention of music critics across the blogosphere. Much like "Dante's Peak" versus "Volcano" in 1997, or "Antz"' versus "A Bug's Life" in 1998, the simultaneous release of similar material causes confusion, so we at EADJ will break down the main differences for you here:

"Coochie, Cash & Cougars" is presented by No Line Gang, featuring rapper Levi Leer. "Paper, Pussy & Purp," however, is brought to you by DJ Winn, DJ Shure Fire & DJ Smallz, featuring rapper Skroodle.


Although the titles of the two mixtapes are similar, there is a difference in emphasis. Levi Leer chose to start off with Coochie, mention Cash second, and then finish with Cougars. Skroodle took a different approach by mentioning finances first (Paper) then quickly mentioning Pussy and ending with the all-important Purp. What's interesting in the former is that one assumes "Coochie" to mean "women," but when there is mention of "Cougars," you suddenly have to reevaluate what "Coochie" means: Drugs? Respect? Luckily, Levi Leer clarifies this confusion at 1:03 in his intro, wherein he states outright, "I love coochie/ I love cash/ and I love old bitches." This means Leer has foregone the mention of dealing with drugs entirely, opting instead to mention women and older women as two different quantities. Ostensibly, this is to present Leer as a shrewd businessman as well as a ladies man versus being a common street hustler.


It's already very clear what Skroodle is talking about in his mixtape title, but he cleverly adds ghosted texture within the letterforms themselves to remove any lingering doubt; even the most inexperienced hip-hop listener can now tell that Paper means dollars and that Purp refers to marijuana. And to tie it all together, he has designated the ampersand to contain his likeness. Skroodle is no stranger to playing with type– his name on the cover is simply the House Industries Playhouse font with a pair of handcuffs as the O's and a pistol for the L.


"Coochie Cash & Cougars" posts a warning at the bottom that the content within is "For Bad Bitches Only," further reinforcing Levi Leer's preference for women (perhaps too much?). "Paper Pussy & Purp" simply displays a stamp at the bottom: "Certified Hood Entertainment," letting potential listeners know that this mixtape has been officially endorsed by 'hood regulators.



Final Analysis: Even though both mixtapes are free to download here and here, respectively, you'll be hard pressed to find worse Lil' Wayne-wannabe autotuning than "CC&C" and meandering bush-league southern slangin' than "PP&P."

YOU NEED TASK CHAIR

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A NSFW Web Banner

A deleted scene from Disney's "Aladdin."

If you're the type of guy who thinks there is a loophole in female psychology that will allow you to bang big-titted babes, you deserve to have your bank account pillaged.

And no, I didn't click to watch the video, although maybe I should've.

But wait, let's reconsider this ad. Maybe by "fuck her mind," they actually meant "listen to her and understand her hopes, fears and dreams to build a bond of trust." That could work. And by "fuck her pussy," they still meant "fuck her pussy."

Ab-stupidity

Pictured above, a sucker is born every Christmas.

UAG

Happy Thanksgiving From EADJ!

Since December 2006, EADJ has consistently -and without fail- posted an entry every weekday, including holidays. Today is no exception.

EADJ wishes you, yours, and yours' yourses a rejoiceful and thankful Thanksgiving holiday or whatever. It is now that EADJ would like to list a few things for which we are thankful:

• The Kinks
• Good times
• Wilona from "Good Times"
• The cleanliness of Montreal
• Family
• Joy buzzers
• Jello molds
• Short skirts
• Taking big dukes
• Todd Crisman
• Styrofoam (also known as polystyrene in the UK)
• Freestyle snowboarding
• Having never been uppercut
• Cymbals
• Samosas
• Fake fur
• The buddy system
• XBox Live
• Scalawags
• Having never been asked to propose a toast
• Pussy
• "Delta Dawn" by Tanya Tucker
• Classy seafood restaurants
• The fact that the wife doesn't like decorating with sand dollars
• The fact that there are other channels when SNL is on
• Nougat
• The Iowa Highway Patrol
• Lip balm
• J.J. Abrams
• Titty bars
• Not having heard marijuana being referred to as "ganja" in a long time
• Skin moisturizer
• Car bingo

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EADJ Song Hate, Third Edition

Today we hate "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas.

See? Just a mention of that song and you already have the damn thing playing in your head. That beginning drum beat, then that whinnying guitar. It's a prime example of something that's been drilled by so much repetition into your brain that it's probably part of your DNA now.


And like our previous entry, "Margaritaville," the song "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)" is not by any means a BAD song. It's written and sung very well. Never mind that it's Rob Thomas– I recently saw him goofing on the excellent FX series "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," and he seems like 97% less of a douche than I used to think him as. So it's a good song, performed amazingly by virtuoso Carlos Santana. Wikipedia says it won three Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals. It spent a record-breaking ten consecutive weeks at the top of the VSpot Top 20 Countdown on VH1. A catchy, perfect piece of rock pop ushering in a beloved rock legend's stellar comeback.

But holy mother of shit. The radio took that 5 minute song and flooded the airwaves like an analogy that I'm too lazy to come up with. I mean, it's been relentless, nonstop playing in a neverending loop from 1999 to the PRESENT. Turn on any radio– that shit is playing RIGHT NOW.

Watch the video, which is probably playing on VH1 as we speak. All the way through. I dare you. I'll give you a dollar.



And not only is it still playing on the radio and on TV, for some godforsaken reason, people are DOWNLOADING that fucker on iTunes. WTF humanity?


So I'm not going to do the breakdown of the lyrics or any of that shit this time, because we have all heard it many times and we will for many times to come. None of us can ever avoid hearing "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)." We can only hope to endure it again and again and again. Put that bad boy up in the rafters, even though it will never be truly retired. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.

EADJ ENTRY #400 for 2008!

Eat A Dick Joel has been committed to giving you the freshest, most consistent blog entries it can scrape together at the last minute. And since its inception, EADJ has never failed once to post at least one entry every weekday. You can take that to the bank, Cheryl.


Actually, uh, no, Pewter Bear. We were congratulating ourselves on 400 entries this year, not saying 2008 was a great year. 2008 was not a great year. It was a pretty terrible year, actually. The biggest stock market dive in American history, the mudslinging of the Presidential election, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Oh, for crying out loud, why are we even talking to you? What we should have said is FUCK OFF.


Also, we hope your entire family dies of tuberculosis, Pewter Bear. Forgot to mention that.

TODAY IN DRAGONFORCE HISTORY

September 24, 1995

DragonForce drummer Dave Mackintosh, then 18, buys a highlighter at the school store. But instead of buying a traditional yellow highlighter, he reaches for a blue one, an exact decision he will make later in life when choosing the color of two 22" x 18" bass drums with Tama Iron Cobra Pedals!

Josephine's Amazing Technicolor Dreambush

(pictured above, the most disturbing combination is "covering gray" with the magenta "fun" option)