Pathmarky Mark & The Funky Bunch

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Shadow of Pathmark

UAG

Let's Dispense With The Pleasantries When Talking To The EADJ Mail Sack!

Forwarded by John Reid, an email:


--------------

From: chike chukwuonye
Subject: Fw: Invest & mangerment for an Artist and songwriter
To: licensing@atlantic-records.com
Date: Friday, September 30, 2011, 7:16 AM


Hello i'm a singer with recorded songs in demo and lots of sound tracks searching for music mangerment. your intresting will permit me to reach you with my promo copy audio CD


Name. Chukwuonye pat chike.
Stage name. Dibaocha.
Nationality. Nigeria. west Africa
Based in china..
Artist and songwriter CHUKWUONYE PAT.CHIKE ( a.k.a DIBAOCHA) IS among African'smost talented artsit,comedian,songwriter Hip hop,R&B,Rap's and a great singer,speaks English,AND Chinese.Already Record 6 songs demo and creat 12 sound tracks. looking forward for a better mangement.copyright and outright commission. to lead his dream true in the musical world.

I'm sincerely yours
Dibaocha.
+8615975505068...china mobile





I'm surprised he hasn't found proper "mangerment" yet. But how do I know this is an email from the real Ochosky Dibaocha and not some impostor looking to profit off his good name?

An IM Convo

Click to enlarge

Hey, T-Mobile Girl,

Please stop. You're nothing more than a poor imitation of the famous and award-winning "Mac Vs. PC" ad campaign that Apple ran for, like, years.


What, you say that Apple campaign has ended, so it's fair game now? Do you think the public actually has that short a memory? That's pretty insulting. Oh, you say that you're actually a riff- an homage- to the "Mac Vs. PC" campaign, turning it on its ear to parody your service's superiority to AT&T's? Maybe. But if so, you're 1. Not being very clever with the parody 2. Replacing two talented comic actors with yourself and a male model who isn't even remotely interesting 3. Broccoli with beef on rice (asterisk denotes spicy)


T-Mobile Girl, I'm not blaming you for this advertising fiasco. I'm sure you're a nice person, and you seem to deliver your lines with skill, so I'm not going to pick on you. I just find it cynical that someone plopped a pretty girl in a pink dress without any irony or purpose.


After a minor bit of Googling, I've learned this actress is named Carly Foulkes and she's also a bikini model.


Never mind, Carly. Carry on!

Will The Real Joel Thomas, Please Eat Dick?

Way back in EADJ Entry #300, we Googled "Joel Thomas" to see what picture came up. This did:


So now it's time to Google his name again and see what Joel Thomas wonders the Internet has in store for us:








Apparently, the Internet's getting better.

An Entry That Will Make You Uncomfortable

Spotted on the cover of the New Jersey DMV's "Safe Driving, A Parent's Guide To Teaching Teens," a pretty girl behind the wheel.


No, wait. That's a DUDE. You were momentarily distracted by his girlish features, weren't you? You thought those gentle features, plucked eyebrows, eyeliner(!), and glossed lips belonged to a girl, but you were WRONG!



THAT. IS. A. DUDE. And you were caught ogling a dude. A teen dude learning to drive. With perfect teeth. And an impressive complexion. See how uncomfortable that makes you? Just soak in the awkward androgyny now. Ahhhhh.

It probably doesn't help matters that this dude also resembles hardcore pornstar Taylor Rain, who does some pretty unspeakable things on camera. Go ahead. Click on that link. And turn off Google's SafeSearch. And how in the hell did you know who Taylor Rain was? Fucking PERVERT!


That is a dude, right?

Joy Pumps

Thanks to the baffling fifth respondent to my wife's Craigslist ad in the last entry, I decided to search "Joy Pumps" in Google Images. Here's what came up:

A True Story

Barry, a guy I've known since Portfolio School in Atlanta, who also happens to live two blocks down from me AND is a co-worker one floor from me (Jeez, back OFF man) was recently given the green light by his allergist that he could eat mollusks. So last weekend he enjoyed some, but within a couple of hours, he was already feeling queasy.


Barry turned to the Internet and Googled the phrase "i get sick every time I eat mollusks," and sure enough, the twentieth entry was EAT A DICK JOEL!


Eat A Dick Joel has decided to award Barry the Jade Mollusk Award for coming across EADJ totally randomly by using a phrase with "mollusk" in it. Barry's new award is at the bottom of this page. Congrats, Barry! Put this on your resume!

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.