Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"¿Qué paso mi branto?"

"I don't think I'll go on a date with him again. He was so handsy."

"If he becomes a Smosh necessarily before something else happens, we'd use the future anterior or future perfect tense: He will have been a Smosh by the time they became assistant coaches."

"Good morning, Satan."

"Good morning, girls. Today's lesson is about payday loans and pharmaceutical companies."

"I could go for either French or Chinese for dinner."

A Friendly Note From Those Creepy Neighbors That Want To Have A Threesome With You

Hi neighbor! We're back from our fabulous trip to the Maldives. Thanks for collecting our mail for us.

We brought you a souvenir from our exclusive water villa: the resort we stayed at had these free tiny bottles of body lotion on the bedstand. It smells of coconut and aloe, and we both thought of you!

But seriously, the Maldives are absolutely breathtaking. When we weren't making love on the dock or furiously manipulating each others' genitals by the pool, we took in the gorgeous sunrises and sunsets and just relaxed. We truly wish you were with us. Maybe next time!

Feel free to come by the house sometime so we can show you all the incredible photos we took on our phones. We might even show you some of the racy movies we recorded of each other (wink wink)! Maybe you can be our next cameraman (or subject)!

Best,

Walter and Josannah

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Eat a Prepackaged Salad

A salad kit from the supermarket is a well-intentioned but challenging way to eat healthy. Why? Because despite all the toppings and extras, it is ultimately just a bowl of bland lettuce. Here now is the optimal way to enjoy one of these prepackaged salads to the fullest: 

1) Set out all the ingredients of the salad kit. Make a quick inventory of all the packets of crunchies and dressing. Bring your own extra bottle of dressing if possible.

2) Before mixing, remember that you do not have to mix all of the ingredients at once. Set aside some of the toppings for halfway through your meal.

3) Now halfway through your salad, add the remaining packets of whatever to "spice" up the rest of your lettuce. Soon, you've successfully completed a prepackaged salad!

And speaking of prepackaged, when hiring my limousine, don't assume that everything is included in a typical rental. I charge extra for any champagne consumed or glassware that's broken. Be safe, kids!

Upcoming Feature Films Based On the Names of Cake Decorations Offered by Cold Stone Creamery

Hollywood is plum out of ideas, so it was only a matter of time till the major studios went to the nearest Cold Stone Creamery to find movie ideas within the cake decorating catalog there. Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't look there sooner. Here now are the latest greenlit projects announced by the big 5:

"Ahead of the Curve" starring Jake Johnson, Lili Reinhart, Samantha Mumba and Keke Palmer

An A+ student from the city (Palmer) is accepted into a prestigious but mostly white university where she has to overcome prejudice and racism to maintain an A average and hang out with her new bestie roommate (Reinhard). Starring Johnson and Mumba as her stern but understanding professors. Also starring Seth Rogan as the stoner dean.

"Crown & Scepter" starring Timothée Chalamet, Milly Alcock, and Liam Neeson.

This alternative history reimagines the Arthurian legends if everyone had cell phones and access to social media. King and Influencer Arthur (Chalamet) attempts to expand his follower base with silly TikTok dances and Excalibur prank videos. Featuring Neeson as Podcaster Merlin.  

"We're On Our Way!" Directed by Brad Bird. Featuring the voices of Keith David, David Keith, Mariska Hargitay and Jay Baruchel

Four migrating cranes get lost in an under construction water park and have to use their smarts and skills as a team to find their way out. Also starring Kelly Reilly as the exhausted but determined security officer.

"Enchanting Unicorn" starring Dave Franco, Ayo Edebiri, and Chloe Fineman. Directed by Taika Waititi.

A strange tanker carrying experimental psychedlic drugs crashes into a community craft fair, causing all the participants to slowly trip the fuck out as they make their crafts. Featuring a soundtrack by Goose, Turnstile and Umphrey's McGee

"Pink Baby Booties" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

A high school senior (Cooke) discovers she's pregnant, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to cover up her bump until graduation. Using A.I., Instagram filters and hologram technology, they'll try to keep her pregnancy a secret! Also featuring Druski as the suspecting principal.

"Special Delivery Stork" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

In the sequel to "Pink Baby Booties", Olivia Cooke's high schooler gives birth at the graduation ceremony, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to distract everyone from noticing. Featuring Druski as the very suspicious principal that no one believes.

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-October Edition

"Zitty" Yum.

The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

"Even heartbreak feels good in a place like this."

That's total bullshit, but being an AMC Stubs member does make heartbreak a little easier to bear, thanks to the latest perks and bonuses such a membership can get you. Check it out:

• You can sleep in our projection room with your friends and survive a catostrophic comet extinction because of the lead-lined walls

• Free Jujubes if you can find them

• AMC Stubs members can drive drunk in our parking lot (we are NOT responsible for DUIs off of theatre property)

• You can use the exclusive SKIP button that appears on all movie trailers

• 3D movies will have a 45% less chance of sexually assaulting you

• Members can watch up to 4 movies a week, for free! Who needs a life?

• Free lasik surgery for anyone who forgot their glasses

A Brief Rant About Spoons

 I went to IKEA the other day to get some extra silverware for the kitchen, and little did I realize that companies were still trying to redesign the shape of spoons.

With just slight tweaks here and there, silverware designers are attempting to overhaul the centuries-old implements we've been using since before agrarianism or even the first episode of "The Simpsons".

Needless to say, all this effort is for naught, because there's always something off about these new designs:

Design Name: TÅNGMÄRLA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's take the reliable shape of the spoon but make it squarer so it surprises the mouth!"

The Result: The spoon clangs around the mouth like a sectional maneuvering inside a tiny foyer.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "If you don't give me some tang, Marla, I'm going to buy you these wildly impractical spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: ÄTBART

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I am inspired by the shape of a carrot. Let's make the tip pointier!"

The Result: Giving a child cough medicine becomes more dangerous with a spear-tip heading for their precious face.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Don't throw these spoons at Bart or you'll stab him in his yellow head."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: FRÖJDA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's make the spoon WIDER with SHARP corners!"

The Result: Everyone but Kermit the Frog will have the corners of their mouth scraped with jagged metal when using these.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Sigmund Freud, a neurologist, suggests your oral fixation made you buy these terrible spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: MOPSIG

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I dunno, a reverse teardrop shape?"

The Result: Although the most usable of these IKEA designs, the design allows for the spoon to hold less chili/Cinnamon Toast Crunch/cole slaw, which overall is a minus.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Grab that mop, Sigmund Freud, and help me clean up this spilled food that fell out of these inadequate spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: LÖFTESRIK

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Round round round! On a stick!"

The Result: Too wide to fit in your mouth comfortably. To delicate at the neck to hold anything of weight. Looks fancy but is impractical. Like an art student project.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "I löft as Rick tried to eat with his overdesigned spoons."

Overall Grade: F

"Where We Love is Home – Home That Our Feet May Leave, But Not Our Pathmark."

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

This strip is probably less funny than it is true.

Spotted at Subway

An in-store poster selling promotional cups for the live action version of "Moana": 

But notice: for Maui, they have a CG bird instead of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. WTH?

Did The Rock not agree to having his likeness on a Subway cup because it conflicted with his endorsement deals with every other food, beverage, snack, wireless and packaged goods brand out there?

Who knows. I ordered a water, btw

It's Time To Say Goodbye To Stuff That Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Asking the Important Questions

Young MC’s video for “Bust a Move” is misleading. The lyrics have the main character hook up with a “bridesmaid” at a wedding, but the video shows the guy running away with the bride.

So which is it, Young MC?

"Whoa!"

I somehow came across this Hallmark movie: Socked In For Christmas, starring Joey Lawrence:

What the hell is "socked in"? Is that a stocking pun? Is it something I should look up in Urban Dictionary (answer: NO)? I had to look it up:

Oh, okay. I also found out the producers of the movie gave it an alternate title for slow people unfamiliar with WWII lingo like me:

Snow-In makes a little more sense, although it still sounds like a telethon. IMDb says it stars and was written by someone named Melina Alves. I don't know who that is, so I googled it, and THIS came up:

WHOA! INDEED

A Baffling Tie-In

Spotted at Walgreens, a poster for... uh... What is this poster for?

It's not selling any merchandise that ties in with the release of "Freakier Friday". The poster is placed at the front of the store, not next to anything in particular. And the copy just reads:

From mundane Mondays to freakier Fridays, we got you.

Whether you're 18, 80 or somewhere in between, Walgreens is here to help.

We're for Women.

What the hell? Disney just gave Walgreens money to display a super vague, half-assed movie mention in the hope that somebody who needed lip balm or their diuretic medication sees it and immedately wants to watch the movie? We're they hoping their target audience would be like, "I was gonna grab some M&Ms, VO5 shampoo and a bedpan, but now that you mention it, I think I'm going to see the Lindsey Lohan/Jamie Lee Curtis long awaited sequel 'FREAKIER FRIDAY' in theatres now!"

Could someone in marketing please explain this to me? thx

BONUS Semi-related segment:

I saw this photo on Facebook and my dumb geek ass briefly thought Jamie Lee Curtis was standing in an R2D2 body.