UAG

Here Are Next Week's Conspiracy Theories, Brought To You By Info Wars And Doomsday® Brand Survival Buckets

Alex Jones's staff of white writers are hard at work concocting elaborate explanations why white people aren't doing so well these days, and Alex himself is doing face exercises and mouth stretches to serve that worthless pablum to you as clearly as possible. Here's what's to come:

• Antonia Banderas has been dead for 10 years, and every time you see him in a recent film, it's a different illegal alien who's just crossed the border into Hollywood.

• Bean sprouts on salads make you gay. And hard crust croutons turn you straight again.

• Most men can hide a ping pong ball in the space between their balls and their dick. You should try it sometime.

• Many straight Disney employees are so desperate for a paycheck, they pretend to enjoy Sam Smith and vegan pizza during Gay Day.

• The Ebola virus is simply the mumps rebranded by a San Francisco public relations firm.

• Loretta Lynch is responsible for male pattern baldness, the disappearance of the world's bees, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, fewer mandrill adoptions, the dotcom bubble, the miseducation of Lauryn Hill, the mispronunciation of the word 'nuclear', and the cancellation of "Baskets."

UAG

Let's Scuff Our New Dance Shoes All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall, a yearbook quote that will live forever.

An IM Convo

I enjoy the use of whitespace.

Farting On Susan's Facebook Wall

So I'm Facebook friends with this girl Susan M. I don't really know her all that well except that we worked together in Chicago a few years ago, but I friended her because I'm not very discriminating and think hundreds of Facebook friends will magically validate me somehow.

Anyhoo, I finally got around to reading her profile page, and it turns out she's fans of Starbucks, J. Crew, Zipcar, Walgreen's, Oprah, Gossip Girl, and Groupon Chicago. Wow, imagine that!

So to make her website more interesting, I posted on her wall:


And I soon got a response on my wall;


I thought over time she'd remove the "fart" from her wall, but after a good 24 hours, it was still there. So I left another, thinking she'll definitely take it down, then:


It's been a good weekend since I posted that second fart, with no response or action, so I felt it important to post the screenshot of the first fart on her wall on her wall:


She'll definitely take it down now, right? Or at least unfriend me. Stay tuned to EADJ as this important story develops.

Spotted at Terget

Pictured above, a CD of Jewel Lullabies, which is pretty fucking redundant if you ask me.

This Just In:

An IM from Andrew:

Let's Make Fun of the EADJ Mail Sack's Pog Collection!

Submitted by John Reid, I present to you the Fatter, Smarter Version of Andrew Gall:


The Fatter, Smarter Version of Andrew Gall is a professor, software developer and author on software security.

His latest writing can be found here.

Andrew Gall, on the other hand, quotes G.I. Joe PSAs and farts in front of his fiancée.

A sample of Andrew's writing can be found here.

Fresh.

Yesterday, Joel farted into a Ziploc bag to see if it would keep.

It did.

(pictured above, Tom W prepares himself for 40 days and 40 nights of ankle flooding)

A Sly Method.

(pictured above, Tara pretends to be playful with Tom's enormous coat when she actually just needs a place to fart)

Who Farted? Battlestar Galactica Styley

Intrigue. Alliances. Clouds. A huge cast. Ingredients for a sappy soap, an award-winning sci-fi series, and a very healthy game of Who Farted? You know, I'd go so far as to say that B.S.G. makes for better games of Who Farted than most soap opera cast shots.

For this installment, we asked Andrew Gall to play, then we'd compare notes. Our notes are in parentheses.


There are a TON of suspects here.

From L to R

#1:

Looks perturbed, if not pissed. Not him.

(Admiral Adama's nostrils flare from disappointment, yet he keeps his chin up, braving the cirrus fart cloud above him)

#2:

Her wide-eyed innocence portrays possible guilt. She's a definite candidate.

(Boomer keeps a neutral stance. Agreed)

#3:

His farts smell awful. This is the look he's used to giving. But I don't
think it's him this time.

(An unkempt, greasy Baltar = high fart possibities)

#4:

She's hard to read. If she farted, it's a nice poker face. I'd say the odds are 70/30 against it being her.

(Starbuck doesn't even know what's going on. She's looking for her other friends)

#5:

Ding ding ding. We have a winner. He's trying to close his eyes and forget the whole sordid scene. This is fart public enemy #1. Unless he's just grimacing from the asian chick's trouser cough.

(I agree that Lee Adama looks very guilty here, but more from trying to hide than from closing his eyes. But I don't think it's him)

#6:

At first glance, she seems like a candidate. But I doubt it. She just looks more fed up at the situation than anything else. She's about to shake her head and say, "not again you guys."

(Passive-aggressive disappointment is a major weapon in President Laura Roslin's arsenal– pun intended)

#7:

This is confusing. Is this woman turned on by farts? She seems to be. I don't think she did it, but the whole thing seems to be affecting her positively. It's an outlook I've wanted all my life.

(I think it's dead-on guilt she's displaying. Her seductive expression does nothing to hide the fact that she let an air biscuit leave the docking station. So it's her)

Here's another excellent example of B.S.G.'s fantastic Who Farted compositions:


Who do you think farted, class?

The Dickside Chats, Part Five (Final Installment)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel had asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his ruminations, porridge, and general pterodactyls on this eponymous blog. This was part five– and the final installment– of a very Shuwetty, very palindromic series:

Joel: (continued from the part four) If anyone can find my original website, I'll be eternally grateful. I can't remember what I called the damned thing. It's not davidsbiblepagesarestucktogether.blogspot.com. I checked that one.

Andrew: Don't get testy there, Joelenator. I know you were the first. And I believe I was the one who brought to attention actual text from the page, and I quote: "yeah yeah David oh yeah." For goodness sakes, if we could only locate this decaying corpse of a blog and resurrect it. I'd give my left ring finger for that. Alright Joel, you've been a pretty good sport with this whole thing. Let's do some word association to close things out, shall we? I'll say a word, then you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready? Go.

Dick.

Joel: David.

Andrew: Chad Yarbrough.

Joel: amuse bouche

Andrew: Tyanna.

Joel: Dick in Russian?

Andrew: Watch.

Joel: Noel's amuse bouche?

Andrew: Walrus.

Joel: Cock ooh ka chew?

Andrew: Farts.

Joel: Get away from my food?

Andrew: Frats.

Joel: The lack of vagina is nice though. Like a chinese food place with no MSG.

Andrew: Cam'ron.

Joel: ar' you trying to be a pirat'?

Andrew: Freaknik.

Joel: I lived in atlanta. Good times. Good times.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad fashions a comfortable safety belt strap from a golf towel as he drives through rugged and hilly Nebraska)

Who Farted? NBC Monday Lineup Styley

The networks love posting huge photos of their primetime lineups at Grand Central Station. Their little way of showing you what you're missing at home while you wait for the train.

Heroes has lots of cast members. So any poster of the show is going to show at least 15 of them. This always makes for a lively game of "Who Farted?" So let's meet the players:


Little boy who can control all electronics and mysterious, protective Dad of cheerleader. Both look accusatory without a speck of self-consciousness. Probably not them.

Asian Art Garfunkel looking distracted and hopeful, with just a hint of a smile. It's not a stretch that it could be him.


Intense, mind-reading cop. The furrowed brow, the pursed lips– yeah, this is the frontrunner for sure.


Hot blonde playing boring hot blonde with boring powers. She's looking suspicious, but that might be just her eyebrow pluck job.


Dreamy Indian dude looking trance-like and delirious. A solid (or gaseous) contender! Ha ha! You see what I did there?


Two bobbleheads looking in different directions as if they didn't fart, but you suspect they probably did. Hiro should be whistling, too.


Overall Who Farted Factor: 9 out of 10. Lots of suspects, with a satisfying resolution. (sung) Unlike the shooow...

Most Likely Fart Suspect: I'm going to have to go with the intense cop. He used his mind powers to cloud (pardon the pun) the judgment of the others, so that they're looking everywhere but at him.


**BONUS ROUND**


The players: Hot long-haired brunette, dude that I could've sworn was Anthony Michael Hall, and hot bob-haired brunette.

"Who farted" factor: 3 out of 10. Blame it on the poor composition or the poor acting, but there's not a lot of intrigue here.

Most likely fart suspect: The long-haired one. She used the wall behind her to deflect the cloud over to the bridge. Nice bank shot.

**EDITOR'S UPDATE** The caption that reads "Ali Landry" should actually read Ali Larter. EADJ regrets the error, although you'd probably understand the mix-up, because they're both boneriffic.

Who Farted? Special Soon-To-Be Cancelled Show With Confusing Title Edition

Okay, let's get down to business. Lots to see here. Finally, a "Who Farted?" with some actual setting, instead of seamless colored backgrounds. Look at that awesome Golden Gate Bridge, and better yet, look at that huge yellowy cloud of ass that was dropped right on the Bay! So let's go left to right here:


Poor man's Alfre Woodard obviously did NOT fart. Her sense of disgust and outrage is almost all up in your face. Dial it down, woman, I'm just asking!


Watered down Leah Remini (look it up) brings nothing to the table. A casual viewer would suggest that she's in the back because she's hiding something. Stupid amateur!


So either someone simply photoshopped Kirsten Dunst's head onto the real actress here, or they're wearing an officially-licensed Spider-Man 3 mask available at Halloween Blowout at your local strip mall. I don't think she farted. Although I do imagine Kirsten Dunst's farts to smell pretty rank.


This was an easy one. Front and center. Not only does she look guilty, she has her ass shooting through the crime tape! The posterior version of the smoking gun. Literally. Nice badge placement too, lady.

Overall Who Farted Factor: 8 out of 10. It's a wonderful composition, with just a few points off for obviousness.

Squeaking Out a Late Entry

Yeah I can't believe I didn't see this one before, either.

THE BIG BANG THEORY

The Players: Dorktastic skinny bug-eyed dude, Amanda-Bynes-type blondie, and helladork with unforgivably bad hair.

'Who Farted' Factor: 10 out of 10. Skinny dude is totally appalled at ass being dropped behind him. Helladork is about to call blondie out, but she doesn't even start to protest. "Yeah, that's right, bitches. I farted." Was a 9 out of 10 until I realized the goddamned TITLE.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Blondie! Yay, equal rights!

Who Farted? CBS Lineup Stylee!

If you were to divine what this fall's CBS lineup was just by looking at the promotional posters, you'd think every show was about someone floating an air biscuit in a different colored room. Let's take a look, shall we.


CSI: NY

The players: The chick from Crossing Jordan (or Providence? The Closer? Whatever.) and Lieutenant Dan.
"Who farted" factor: 4 out of 10. Melina Kanakaredes' hairdo seems blown back from Lieutenant Dan's fart. She seems hurt and waits for an explanation. Lieutenant Dan doesn't give a shit. Look at his striped shirt! What a man!
Most likely fart suspect: Lieutenant Dan!


CANE

The players: Hot brunette chick, younger dude in his 20's, suspicious dude who also plays the suspicious dude on LOST, and Senator Bail Organa from "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith."
"Who farted" factor: 7 out of 10. Lots of interplay here: All of the males look like they could have farted, although the suspicious dude seems to accuse the chick a little. Young dude in his 20's almost looks like he's laughing in the back. Jimmy almost wants to hold his nose.
Most likely fart suspect: Jimmy Smits (this is not a racial comment)


CRIMINAL MINDS

The players: Serious brown-haired white dude, modelly black dude, and unkempt, dorky ginger dude.
"Who farted" factor: 8 out of 10. Their looks are not only intense but actually accusatory.
Most likely fart suspect: YOU

More entries from Brad Harvey's notebook!

The following are entries in Brad Harvey's notebook/journal. EADJ got their hands on it when Brad got up to take a dump in The Caribou Coffee on Michigan Ave. Employees reported later that he forgot to flush.

• New idea for reality show: film a bunch of people living together and generally just bitching about stupid shit. Tentative title: Remnants of the Coccyx

• Finish that ear of corn behind the futon

• What was the name of that guy who played B.A. Baracus in "The A Team?" Gotta go to the library and look it up...

• I should totally buy the domain http://http://.com! I could make like a hundred dollars!!

• Start using inverted parentheses, just to be different!

• Remember Wesley Snipes' words of advice about who to bet on next time I'm at the roulette table at The Grand Victoria Riverboat Casino on the scenic Fox River, just east of Route 31 in Elgin.

• Confront Ryan about those farting parties he keeps throwing in my cube. No, wait. That's ME! )Confront Ryan anyway(

• Return that pretty girl's neck brace. She probably needs it.

• Fried chicken and okra! That's the best!

• Ask doctor why pee is green and gravy-like lately

• Get LAID!!! )stop by ATM first(

A hunka hunka burning dick

Joel's career as a terrible screenwriter was put on temporary hold this week while he explored the world of antique appraisal.

Browsing through various shops on La Brea Avenue, Joel picked some select pieces and gave them the value he thought they deserved. Some shop owners, however, begged to differ with Joel's appraisals. For example, an oak chiffarobe worth $4500 was given Joel's estimate of 8,200 dicks. A $300 nightstand, 750 dicks. And an old bowl with a basin, "lots and lots o' dick, especially if it's Mexican."

Eventually, Joel's sorry ass was hauled out of a furniture shop and he was given a whimsical tin sign saying "STAY OUT! I'M CRANKY!" Even if furniture store owners don't like you, they're always hospitable.

(pictured above, a truly appropriate product tie-in, although we don't understand why Elvis is singing into a giant match.)

Brad For Goodness Sake!

Some assorted nuggets from the desk of Brad Harvey's notebook:

• What's the plural for MILF? MILVES?

• I wonder if two identical twins ever fucked each other.

• Gasoline was probably a bad poultice (SP?) for that baby fox. Rethink.

• Tattoo idea! Chinese infant in a headlock

• Tic Tac still in my pee hole. Next steps?

• Old lady hair. Hilarious! Write a bit about that!

• Can anyone at the park tell I fucked that totem pole?

• Pay Mason to (illegible) for those capoeira (SP?) lessons for Juney

• Apologize to Ryan's Mom about that thing with the thing. Stupid!

• That valet company hasn't called about the job yet. Time to firebomb?

• Why did that German chick have a cock? Do they all? Still, HOT.

• Bowflex: 5 payments left.

• Reminder: STOP MASTURBATING AT THE GOODWILL!!!!

• Dr. Alavar said that wasn't a lump after all. That was a second testicle. So why is my pee cloudy? This could be a Yellow Pages radio script! Still hungry after those chimichangas. What are birds?