And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With How To Fold a Cloth Napkin With a Waterfall Pleat

Be sure to use a crisp, starched napkin for best results. Start with a napkin laid flat. Bring the bottom long edge of the napkin up to the top edge to fold the napkin in half lengthwise. Fold the left side over to the right. Position the napkin in a diamond shape with the open points at the top. Bring the first layer down to the bottom point. Crease the fold. Accordion-pleat the layer you just folded down to the crease line. Fold the napkin in half to form a triangle. Turn the napkin so the folded line is at the bottom. Tuck the side points into each other in the back. Stand the finished napkin on a plate, and fan the pleats outwards.

And since I'm on the subject, if you're ever riding in the back of my limo, please don't throw my cloth napkins in the little trash can. Those things are expensive, and it's taken me a while to find cranberry ones to match the interior. Don't be an asshole.

How To Create a Cirque Du Soleil Sensation

Step 1) Come up with a really annoying name that's half English and half whatever (preferably French). It's okay if you ignore Latin origins and basic word structure (See Zumanity).

Step 2) For your soundtrack, recruit the talents of John Tesh, Kitaro or Mannheim Steamroller. If those guys are busy, just have a turtle walk on a casio keyboard.

Step 3) Get some dancers in leotards. Throw harlequin masks on them and make them hang from the ceiling doing crazy shit. Charge $80 a pop.

Step 4) Unleash your blight on culture to the world (aka Vegas)!

Brad For Goodness Sake!

Some assorted nuggets from the desk of Brad Harvey's notebook:

• What's the plural for MILF? MILVES?

• I wonder if two identical twins ever fucked each other.

• Gasoline was probably a bad poultice (SP?) for that baby fox. Rethink.

• Tattoo idea! Chinese infant in a headlock

• Tic Tac still in my pee hole. Next steps?

• Old lady hair. Hilarious! Write a bit about that!

• Can anyone at the park tell I fucked that totem pole?

• Pay Mason to (illegible) for those capoeira (SP?) lessons for Juney

• Apologize to Ryan's Mom about that thing with the thing. Stupid!

• That valet company hasn't called about the job yet. Time to firebomb?

• Why did that German chick have a cock? Do they all? Still, HOT.

• Bowflex: 5 payments left.

• Reminder: STOP MASTURBATING AT THE GOODWILL!!!!

• Dr. Alavar said that wasn't a lump after all. That was a second testicle. So why is my pee cloudy? This could be a Yellow Pages radio script! Still hungry after those chimichangas. What are birds?