"Life is Too Short to Live with Regrets– Make the Most Out of Every Pathmark."

"Do Not Take Life Too Seriously. You Will Never Get Out of It Pathmark."

UAG

Huh?

Thanks, Reese's. I was getting sick of those meat-based peanut butter cups.

My Favorite Aaron Spelling Show From the 90s

Organic Banana 94011

More Fun Facts About Strawberries and Bananas That Didn't Make It On The Back of A Box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios

 

Here now are some fun facts about strawberries and bananas that did not make the back of the packaging:

• Strawberries are related to currants but avoid them ever since the last election.

• Organic bananas are known to stay fresh for up to 10 steps after leaving the store.

• In Chad, strawberries are given as a wedding present. I dunno. I just made that up.

• Bananas still love you, but strawberries think you've changed since high school.

• Both strawberries and Michael Stipe have regrets about the song "Shiny Happy People"

• Director James Cameron would one day like to collaborate with bananas for an epic 3D movie.

Fun Facts About Strawberries and Bananas That Didn't Make It On The Back of A Box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios

Strawberry Banana Cheerios are delicious. And on the back of every box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios, you can read some fun facts about both strawberries and bananas, like "Strawberries and roses are in the same botanical family" or "Technically bananas are berries, but strawberries are not." Fun!

Here now are some fun facts about strawberries and bananas that did not make the back of the packaging:

• Bananas will never intentionally hurt you.

• The Inuit word for strawberry is sitilluqaaq, which translates loosely to "Why are you even here?"

• Rachel says she likes bananas and strawberries, but only because Josh said he likes them first, and she's totally crushing on him. We should tell Tracy.

• If you ever get shot by a banana traveling at the speed of a bullet, I call dibs on your Playstation 5.

• The words "straw" and "berry" have individually been copyrighted by Kanye West

• 2 weeks. I promise.

• Banana easy and good. Strawberry okay but need to remove green part.

• Banana and Strawberry have lived together for decades without getting married, like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn

UAG

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of July 27

 

Hello remote workers! Hector the IT assistant here. So I know we're all a few months into the lockdown, and I can see that most of us have gotten used to the two-factor authentication method of logging onto email and servers, but I just wanted to remind everyone that doing timesheets promptly is still essential part of our process. So let me just reiterate that you have to click onto "employee services", then "timesheets", then "my timesheets", then "new timesheet". From there, a new window should open where you click your name, then click "create timesheet", then when it prompts you to create a new timesheet, you press "yes", then check the box at the bottom before typing your timesheet password (NOT your email password). Once you check the box, the open window will take you to a spreadsheet where you can select "week", and then "this week", then "timesheet for this week". Once you do that, here are the job numbers you can use:

94268: Wetting your bed head in time for a Zoom call

83313: Asking Alexa if it's a work day

07703: Accidentally deleting porn

60236: Patiently sitting through a :03 YouTube preroll ad

50378: Figuring out if someone is doing the rock 'devil's horns' or doing Spider-Man shooting webs

63152: Wrapping a taco with a burrito wrap to keep it all together

84627: Deciding that it was worth it for the nut

53842: Rage quitting Minecraft

77634: Showing off your spot-on Piers Morgan impression

03510: Looking for the tablet stylus in your afro

A Photo

Pictured above, what the ceiling of the Banana Republic For Women looks like at 9pm on a Wednesday while your wife tries on a third pair of khakis that will inevitably look exactly like the first two pair that she tried on but will require your opinion regardless and if you say anything like "Whatever" or "They all look the same," that will prompt a brief but tense moment of silence that will just prolong the agony.

Introducing: Foster's Law

Foster's Law: When Jessica is around a banana, the probability of a dick joke being made approaches one.

A hunka hunka burning dick

Joel's career as a terrible screenwriter was put on temporary hold this week while he explored the world of antique appraisal.

Browsing through various shops on La Brea Avenue, Joel picked some select pieces and gave them the value he thought they deserved. Some shop owners, however, begged to differ with Joel's appraisals. For example, an oak chiffarobe worth $4500 was given Joel's estimate of 8,200 dicks. A $300 nightstand, 750 dicks. And an old bowl with a basin, "lots and lots o' dick, especially if it's Mexican."

Eventually, Joel's sorry ass was hauled out of a furniture shop and he was given a whimsical tin sign saying "STAY OUT! I'M CRANKY!" Even if furniture store owners don't like you, they're always hospitable.

(pictured above, a truly appropriate product tie-in, although we don't understand why Elvis is singing into a giant match.)