More Dipshit Info Wars Conspiracies

If you watch Info Wars regularly–and if you do, God help you–you may discover that the garbage Alex Jones pukes out his hate hole doesn't change during the week. That's because an entire staff of writers are still busy cooking up next week's batch of irrational right-wing bullshit. But here now is an exclusive preview of next weeek's Info Wars talking points:

• Ted Nugent had recorded a song with Santana for his 1999 album "Supernatural" but was dropped because of his Christian and political beliefs. And two years later, 9/11 happened.

• Whenever someone uses the word "causeway," Bill Cosby receives a $5 royalty and rapes another white woman brought to him by attorney Gloria Allred.

• Words With Friends tracks the movements of Gentiles worldwide and adds them to a secret Jewish database on the planet XVIQXSH (36 points).

• Pigeons are liberal operatives who poop on Confederate statues to mark them for removal. Don'e believe me? Ask your science teacher!

• The children's game "Duck Duck Goose" was invented by Josef Stalin to perpetuate forced collectivism of the working class and to let them know "their place."

• Lesbians don't actually sleep. They simply charge their gay batteries by watching episodes of "Steven Universe."

USB

Let's Scuff Our New Dance Shoes All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall, a yearbook quote that will live forever.

Oh, Terrin and Christine!

Spotted at the customer service counter in a Maryland supermarket: a sheet of paper.




Hey, you two- if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean! Crazy kids.

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: Either "A Night In Compton" or "Jeremy's Family Reunion."

Now, the reason why I haven't picked one or the other is because they're both equally crappy looking. The question is whether I want to spend two hours watching some guy named Zion home from college for Christmas break "who has one night to consummate his newly-formed relationship with Lanise" or some young corporate attorney named Jeremy who's introducing his beautiful white fiancée to the wild and crazy characters in his "dirty south family."


I'm leaning toward the ribald sexual comedy more so than the preachy "message" comedy about remembering your roots. So "A Night In Compton" it probably is.

EADJ Pun Police: Steven Seagal Edition

So you think you're tough, puns? You think your play on words makes you special? I'll show you who's tough. I'm the toughest there is. You've never seen a tougher sonofabitch than me.

*cracks knuckles*



"Holmes for the holiday?" You mean to tell me you released this movie on Christmas just so you could use that stupid pun? Gimme a break. C'mere.

*grabs pun by the hair, snaps neck*


I really feel sorry for you sons of bitches who think you got a shot against me. You think you're clever, but you're not. I'm laughing not because you're funny, but because you're pathetic.

*spins pun around, breaks arm, snaps neck*


Get the fuck out of here. Are you even trying?

*snaps neck*


Okay. Lucky shot. You got a good hit in there.

*wipes blood off bottom lip*

That's not gonna happen again.

*knees pun in the groin, sexually harasses it, snaps neck*


I get it. It's a market. So they put "market on your calendar." Real cute. But not cute enough.

*grabs pun by the neck, spins it around, feels its boobs, puts his tongue between the boobs, snaps neck*


Sure, there's a lot of you, but I can handle it. Come at me!

*seizes pun by the boobs, spins it against a wall, feels the boobs, spins it around, slaps its ass with his dick, snaps neck*


You just don't learn, do you? You're all a bunch of losers!

*sits on the floor, plays with flaccid penis, weeps, snaps own neck*

A Bit We Don't Do Anymore.

It's been a while since EADJ announced the end of doing Pathmark entries like this:


But it seems that other retail stores are getting in on the act. Like Ikea:




(roasted chicken?!)

and Target:



And I know that Pathmark has always been the leader of mis-shelved inventory, but it's going to have to relinquish its crown after this shelf I saw at Target:


I mean, there's so much shit on these shelves that I don't even know what the original display was supposed to look like. Spectacular. Target FTW.

All Hands On Dick, Joel.

These weird air freshener sheets were spotted at a nearby car wash:


Some were scented "mango," "peach," and even "African Sunset." And then there were these:



Loony Superman with a perm gives it a thumbs down!

Scott Petersonian Math

In a related story, sources close to Todd Crisman and Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) have revealed a secret plot to fatten up Scott Peterson. More details of this story will be shared as they become available.