Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's famous stable of unstable writers continue to crank out a remarkable volume of batshit conspiracy theories for him to pollute the airwaves with. Here now are stories that they plan to excrete:

• Nancy Pelosi is actually a Halloween skeleton in a wig remote controlled by George Soros.

• Harvey Weinstein was framed. All those women stormed his shower to gaze at him when he left his hotel room unlocked.

• Covid was originally a Mr. Beast prank that grew out of control

• The American Cancer Society actually injected cancer INTO bottles of Roundup weed killer, turning it into a carcinogen

• There were 16 more seasons of "The X-Files" filmed, but the government got the show canceled after episode plots came too close to reality, especially the lizard people storyline.

Paper Towel Dispenser Was Confused

Paper Towel Dispenser was confused.

Sewer Grate and Lids was skeptical.

Utility Pole was amused.

Storage Door Handle was outraged.

Meanwhile, Recycle Bin drunkenly sang on the side of the road. 

Some Conspiracy Stories InfoWars Is About To Dump On Yous

Alex Jones and his two writers are baking some spicy untrue stories for you dummies to gobble up with no critical thinking. Here are the newest: 

• Polly Pocket toys are a way to indoctrinate children to get them used to living in small tenements

• CEOs of corporations are actually benevolent demigods here to protect you and care for the planet

• All identical twins are CIA operatives– one to spy on you, one to report to Langley

• How can Kermit the Frog still speak when Jim Henson died in 1990? Kermit IS ALIVE.

• Kegel exercises can restore virginity. Just ask me, Alex Jones

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-August Edition

Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

AJ and his crack team of writers are hard at work on the newest conspiracies for you to believe in hook, line and sinker. Here are conspiracies that will appear in future Info Wars episodes:

• Tuxedo rental places give your measurements to the DNC so they catalog everyone for Marxist worksuits

• When you add your ZIP code with your Social Security number, that's how many sperm the government needs to perfectly clone you

• There's a sixth member of the Backstreet Boys who has never appeared onstage: Wally

• If you conjugate the verb "unvaccinate" in a bathroom mirror, RFK Jr. will appear.

• Employees of Combination Pizza Hut / Taco Bell / KFC restaurants get paid TRIPLE and are genetically altered to birth triplets

Info Wars Conspiracies That Turned Out To Be True

In their years of spouting hateful screeds and wack-a-doodle conspiracies, Info Wars has occasionally gotten some things right. Here are a few examples:

• 3 of the 5 members of *NSYNC are in fact Lizard People (not Justin)

• 9 Volt batteries have been proven to cause AIDS in RC cars

• Yes, radon detectors are just devices for actor Jeff Bridges to spy on everyone

• The Battle of Bunker Hill never happened and was a false flag op, historians now say.

• Actress Suzanne Somers was a Kremlin operative, eventually replaced by a convincing android

• All if the Beatles are alive on the International Space Station, and they HATE you

New Year's Resolutions of the Info Wars Staff

The following are the New Year's resolutions that the staff of Info Wars have made for themselves for 2024:

• Drop at least 30 IQ points

• Exercise more by chasing wild geese in news stories

• Finally accept that the moon landing was faked by Hobbit ghosts instead of Pirate zombies

• Take the fake news more seriously

• Pay more attention to the racist voices in my head

• Dress more like Steve Bannon

• Get the Cybertruck tuned up

• Proofread that manifesto before making 10,000 to air drop over New York City

Fringe Backdrop

This segment is so stupid.

More Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracy Stories

Anyone with critical thinking skills knows that Alex Jones and his merry band of conspiracy pushers make shit up weeks in advance of their shows. Here are a few you can look forward to:

• The show Info Wars itself was started by God, except that god was Dinlas, the Greek god of hate and chaos.

• Avocado pits are listening devices by Central American spy agencies to monitor American consumers who throw parties with delicious guacamole

• Meg Ryan never existed. She was 100% special effects and camera tricks

• Every piece of AI artwork was stolen from San Diego-based painter Doug Marshall

• Sliced cheese is delicious

New EADJ Segment: Conspiracy Corner

We're going to try something new here. This segment will present a scenario to the host and writers of Info Wars, and using their gifts for critical thinking and imagination, they will provide possible answers to explain it away.

THE SCENARIO: Although grapes at Shop Rite were $4.99/lb yesterday, today they are selling for $3.99/lb

-----

CONSPIRACY 1: The global elites—in cahoots with major grocery store chains— are artificially lowering the cost of grapes to encourage people to spend money on empty calories to quicken their death to make room for the Space Lizard People to move into their homes.

CONSPIRACY 2: The decreasing grape prices are an indication that time is actually traveling backwards, part of the federal government's effort to contain the continental US under an invisible time isolating dome and force its citizens to remain docile and childlike.

CONSPIRACY 3: The Shop Rite employee Gary knows that I bought grapes yesterday and deliberately lowered the prices, knowing I'd come back and get VERY UPSET about paying more yesterday.

More Whack-a-Doo Conspiracy Theories From The O.G. Maniac

Tons of right wing podcasters, bloggers, cable TV pundits, and even members of Congress spewing all manner of crazy conservative conspiracies now, but let's not forget that Alex Jones is the original "gay frog" bullshit dispenser. Here are some NEW conspiracies that he and his talented writers are cooking up for you:

• TikTok is actual cancer cells, digitized into 1's and 0's to infect tweens and dumb people

• People used to care that Jimmy Crack Corn, back when there were REAL Americans

• Screaming directly into someone's asshole discourages polyps

• Rapper Flo Rida is personally responsible for all the fluoride in city water

• Restaurant hosts have all agreed to MAKE WHITE PEOPLE WAIT LONGER THAN MINORITIES

• AA batteries carry the same charge as C batteries but are more expensive because conspiracy

• That weed you lost? I took it.

More Crazy From The Writers of the Crazy Conspiracy Show

Alex Jones's InfoWars head writers have leaked some upcoming stories that they're "working on". Here are their latest assaults on reality:

• Elmo isn't actually a puppet but a small illegal alien in a costume working without paying taxes

• Palm trees are actually giant microphones for the CIA. AVOID MIAMI AND LOS ANGELES

• Never trust a thin TSA agent. No further explanation is needed.

• Tucker Carlson is a decent human being who just wants what's best for this country.

• Like Starbucks and In-N-Out Burger, White Castle has a secret menu. But it's so secret that only members of the Skull Society and the Illuminati can order it once a year.

• Scientists have learned how to grow bacon on the moon. And cheese hasn't used real dairy ingredients since 1946. Truth!

UAG

Coming Soon: The Fiverr Experiment

On Fiverr I came across this person who will WRITE FOR YOUR BLOG for a hundo. Sure, why not? Eat A Dick Joel needs some new blood for its stupidity. Plus, maybe she might be excited to write for a 12 year old blog full of butt jokes and poor Photoshop.

Stay tuned for the correspondence and lead-up to her EADJ entry.

Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

Alex Jones' Info Wars is a program that some people enjoy because it floats conspiracy theories that line up with or enforce the fucked up way they see the world. Here are some of the exquisite stupidity that they can expect to hear next week:

• Minions are actually Chinese children with thicker glasses on

• Selfish refugee families are demanding to be detained in hundreds of tents that would have been used for fun music festivals for white people

• If you look in a microscope at DNA, it looks exactly like a bowl of Chef Boyardee ABCs & 123s

• People who have those signs in their homes that say LIVE LAUGH LOVE are to be trusted. Report any illegal or even legal minority activity to these trusted agents.

• If you connect 6 in a game of Connect Four, communities in India will consider you a god and worship you.

• Bats are the worst. They're probably liberals, too.

More Stupid Conspiracies To Look Forward To On The Next "Info Wars"

Alex Jones has a fat head full of boiled hot dog water and hatred. But before he vomits the latest tinfoil hat batshit out of his lie hole, his writers need to compose them carefully. Here are some  narratives that he'll push soon:

• If you lay one Dorito on top of another and turn it a little, you get a Star of David. Jew chips!

• Debbie Wasserman Schultz is really Rachel Dolezal in whiteface

• The Civil War wasn't fought over slavery. It was just one big disagreement over a Groupon.

• Women can't get herpes from Alex Jones by giving him a handjob. I assure you.

• Mike Pence makes the Sign of the Cross to protect him from dirty thoughts when driving by a Jiffy Lube.

•  Mountain Dew Code Red is brewed special from Mark Ruffalo's tears.

• If you play the Imperial March around Hillary Clinton, she orgasms.

• The nation's abortion clinics all have teleportation capability, so you can instantly teleport to whatever state still does them legally.

• The mullet is just an emo haircut BACKWARDS! 

Here Are Next Week's Conspiracy Theories, Brought To You By Info Wars And Doomsday® Brand Survival Buckets

Alex Jones's staff of white writers are hard at work concocting elaborate explanations why white people aren't doing so well these days, and Alex himself is doing face exercises and mouth stretches to serve that worthless pablum to you as clearly as possible. Here's what's to come:

• Antonia Banderas has been dead for 10 years, and every time you see him in a recent film, it's a different illegal alien who's just crossed the border into Hollywood.

• Bean sprouts on salads make you gay. And hard crust croutons turn you straight again.

• Most men can hide a ping pong ball in the space between their balls and their dick. You should try it sometime.

• Many straight Disney employees are so desperate for a paycheck, they pretend to enjoy Sam Smith and vegan pizza during Gay Day.

• The Ebola virus is simply the mumps rebranded by a San Francisco public relations firm.

• Loretta Lynch is responsible for male pattern baldness, the disappearance of the world's bees, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, fewer mandrill adoptions, the dotcom bubble, the miseducation of Lauryn Hill, the mispronunciation of the word 'nuclear', and the cancellation of "Baskets."

Another Preview of Info Wars Conspiracies In The Making

The crack writing crackpots of "Info Wars" are already working on next week's set of Alex Jones fuckbottle rants. (What's a fuckbottle? I'll keep it.) Here now are a few conspiracies you can look forward to supporting and spreading, if you are a dumb, right wing bigot shithead asshole cocksucker:

• Bales of hay left in farm fields contain homing beacon trackers for North Korean paratroopers once they invade in August

• Pesto is actually gay leprechaun semen. Believe me- I know.

• The #MeToo movement is a group of angry Etsy sellers out to destroy all males and turn this country into a fascist knitocracy 

• The Big and Tall Mens Store staffs attractive, nice smelling young men with rippling muscles on purpose so that when they measure your inseam, you cum like a shark

• The board game Connect Four is an unfair, manipulative bullshit of a fucking game and WE DON'T WANT TO PLAY THAT ANYMORE

More Conspiracies To Come From Info Wars, Dumb Paranoiac Headquarters

Between shotgunning beers and shotgunning stray possum in their trailer park common area, Info Wars viewers love to tune into Alex Jones' program for the latest worldview that confirms their stupid beliefs. Here are a few that they don't have to wait next week for:

• The Presidents of the Men's Wearhouse and the Hair Club For Men were not ousted from their respective companies. Instead, they were actually gay lovers that absconded to Lima, Peru to get married and cover each other in cheap suits and hair plugs.

• Fire sprinklers in buildings built since 1995 actually spray disinfectant that only kills white people, and office fires are usually started these days by Arabs.

• Burger King adds a hidden "Netflix" tax of .03¢ to every purchase. The money is then funneled into a fund that pays for Kamaal's monthly Netflix subscription. Kamaal is an employee.

• Nautilus machines in gyms turn you gay by forcing you to work out in compromising "homosexual" poses. That's why you should stick to free weights. Those are totally not gay.

• A promise earned is a promise kept. Or is it a promise kept is a customer earned? A promise given is a customer kept? I forget. Either way, Jews are out to get you.

• The new Han Solo movie is unnecessary in telling the Star Wars story. Worse yet, it keeps showing aliens incorporated into society as equals to white people, which liberal Hollywood loves to push down kids' throats. GREEDO IS BLACK!

More Dipshit Info Wars Conspiracies

If you watch Info Wars regularly–and if you do, God help you–you may discover that the garbage Alex Jones pukes out his hate hole doesn't change during the week. That's because an entire staff of writers are still busy cooking up next week's batch of irrational right-wing bullshit. But here now is an exclusive preview of next weeek's Info Wars talking points:

• Ted Nugent had recorded a song with Santana for his 1999 album "Supernatural" but was dropped because of his Christian and political beliefs. And two years later, 9/11 happened.

• Whenever someone uses the word "causeway," Bill Cosby receives a $5 royalty and rapes another white woman brought to him by attorney Gloria Allred.

• Words With Friends tracks the movements of Gentiles worldwide and adds them to a secret Jewish database on the planet XVIQXSH (36 points).

• Pigeons are liberal operatives who poop on Confederate statues to mark them for removal. Don'e believe me? Ask your science teacher!

• The children's game "Duck Duck Goose" was invented by Josef Stalin to perpetuate forced collectivism of the working class and to let them know "their place."

• Lesbians don't actually sleep. They simply charge their gay batteries by watching episodes of "Steven Universe."