It's Time To Play "Did They Christmas Bang?"

Welcome to EADJ's first annual round of "Did They Christmas Bang?" where we guess if the lead actors of a Christmas Hallmark movie either banged or not based on their appearance on the movie poster. Let's begin!

Yes.

No.

Probably not. {The man and the older woman, you pervert!)

Probably not, seeing how they all seem like family. Ew.

Yes. Dude banged both of them, possibly in front of the fireplace.

Oh fuuuuuck yes. And she pegged him with that whisk.

Nah.

No. She's gay. They married to hide it.

No. She could do better than the concierge at Hyatt.

These two rutted like rabbits with their Timbos still on.

No.

No.

No.

Yes, maybe. Lots of power play here. But yeah, it probably happened.

No.

Speed round: Yes/Yes; No; No.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

New Perks Just Added To the AMC Stubs Rewards Program!

If you're a card carrying member of AMC's Stubs Rewards, you already know all the magic and fun to be had at your local movie theatre just by flashing your membership card or keychain fob. But here are even more benefits you can expect at your next trip to the movies:

• Popcorn that turns your poop yellow

• Free novelization of the movie you're watching to read while we repair the projector

• Slow ride

• Take it easy

• Our dockmaster will scrape the barnacles off your skiff for half off

• Emoji subtitles for the young 'uns

• $500 back for every ticket purchased (carryover from MoviePass business model)

• If you bring your own projector and the picture is actually clearer than ours, we'll allow it

• Free extra cry with any Pixar movie

• Shannon won't bother you anymore

• Free refill of Vanilla Coke. In fact, take it all. Shit's gross.

• Free admission to any Kevin Spacey, Louis C-K or Bill Cosby movie

3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

The ProofrEADJer: It's July Already? Edition

Don't Walk In Front Of Me, For I May Not Follow, and Don't Walk Behind Me, For I May Not Lead, But Walk Beside Me and Be My Pathmark.

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness

Here's the latest and greatest in surprising and confusing hip hop mixtape covers:

Arrogant flips the bird to the Earth, grabs his Avatar booty bitch and bags of cash and gets away in a flying saucer. Little does Arrogant know that Na'Vi women don't have genitals and simply connect their ponytail to yours to have sex. Whoopsie!

That's different. A mix tape about your full-time job as a systems analyst for a heating supply company in Lawrenceburg, KY.

I've never been a fan of Gucci Mane, so I damn sure don't want to see his no-talent chump ass spitting rhymes about booty and cars in 3D. 'Wow, I can almost reach out and slap that ice cream cone tattoo off his face!'

Borrowed interest that's 30 years old is still borrowed interest.

Yes, Wiz Khalifa, some of us get the reference. No, it doesn't make any sense.

Okay, Jarren Benton. I am puzzled but impressed.

Bishop Lamont sheds his pope hat for a more sensible Common cap and pretends to be waiting to fly somewhere as he masters Plants Vs. Zombies in a Gaussian blur haze.

Declaring yourself a badass King of New York is one thing. Accidentally associating yourself with a Ugandan guerrilla who abducts children to force them to become sex workers is another.

"Hi there. I'm Wiz Khalifa. You're probably wondering why I'm sitting at the Sears Portrait Studio wearing some lady's real estate blazer. Well, I'm just here to tell you that I remember you. Thanks for listening."

The Dickside Chats, Part Five (Final Installment)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel had asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his ruminations, porridge, and general pterodactyls on this eponymous blog. This was part five– and the final installment– of a very Shuwetty, very palindromic series:

Joel: (continued from the part four) If anyone can find my original website, I'll be eternally grateful. I can't remember what I called the damned thing. It's not davidsbiblepagesarestucktogether.blogspot.com. I checked that one.

Andrew: Don't get testy there, Joelenator. I know you were the first. And I believe I was the one who brought to attention actual text from the page, and I quote: "yeah yeah David oh yeah." For goodness sakes, if we could only locate this decaying corpse of a blog and resurrect it. I'd give my left ring finger for that. Alright Joel, you've been a pretty good sport with this whole thing. Let's do some word association to close things out, shall we? I'll say a word, then you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready? Go.

Dick.

Joel: David.

Andrew: Chad Yarbrough.

Joel: amuse bouche

Andrew: Tyanna.

Joel: Dick in Russian?

Andrew: Watch.

Joel: Noel's amuse bouche?

Andrew: Walrus.

Joel: Cock ooh ka chew?

Andrew: Farts.

Joel: Get away from my food?

Andrew: Frats.

Joel: The lack of vagina is nice though. Like a chinese food place with no MSG.

Andrew: Cam'ron.

Joel: ar' you trying to be a pirat'?

Andrew: Freaknik.

Joel: I lived in atlanta. Good times. Good times.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad fashions a comfortable safety belt strap from a golf towel as he drives through rugged and hilly Nebraska)