Announcing: EADJ's Mission To Spot All Of The Avengers On The Subway

Iron Man. Thor. Black Widow. Captain America. The Hulk. And Hawkeye.
You'd think none of them would take the subway. Especially after having wrecked the shit out of Manhattan in that last movie.

But that hasn't stopped us from keeping an eye out for them on the New York Subway system, and recently we've been lucky enough to have already spotted a couple of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes."


IRON MAN

 

His name is synonymous with mechanical genius. If anyone could invent a power source to both fuel a battle exo-suit and a special electromagnet to keep shrapnel out of one's heart, it's Tony Stark.

 

Here Tony takes the 7 shuttle from the Stark Tower to Times Square to possibly have cocktails with some sexy supermodels before coming home to Pepper. You'll notice part of the Mark 42 armor on his right knee. He was apparently waiting for the other pieces to fly to him. Note: depression is often a side effect of extreme alcoholism.

HAWKEYE

Hawkeye is considered one of the more talented archers in the Avengers, if not the best. And although he lacks superpowers, he is at the very peak of human conditioning. Hawkeye (real name Clint Barton) is an exceptional fencer, acrobat and a grandmaster marksman, having been trained from childhood in the circus and by the criminals Trick Shot and Swordsman.

 

Here Clint is catching up on some emails. Note the Apple computer, his sly nod to William Tell.

 

So that's two down, four more to go. We feel like Nick Fury rounding 'em all up!

Stay tuned, true believers, as we continue to search for all The Avengers on the New York transit line!

EADJ Was Brought To You Today By MyPillow®

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A lot of people may ask, why the MyPillow®? What's the difference? Why can't I just buy another brand support pillow? Well, these other pillows may certainly look and feel similar, but only the MyPillow® has the Lindell Ballsack Guarantee™ which presents you with a notarized certificate that your pillow has been personally placed under Mike Lindell's ballbag for a full 40 seconds. In fact, if you are not absolutely thrilled with the good night's rest you receive from your new MyPillow® or have any doubts that your pillow has been firmly tucked behind the scrotum of Mike Lindell, just send the pillow back within 60 days and we'll refund your money in full!

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A Few Words on "Dream Words"

Well, I call them "dream words" because I don't know what else they're called. But they're any household object that has an inspirational, generic word like "HOPE" or "FRIENDS" or "HEART" or whatever. The intent is to decorate your home with these tchotchkes in order to literally fill the house with love. The actual result is that you've made your home 500% more irritating.


Cuz let's break this shit down for what it is– it's basically aspirational in nature. Someone is littering their house with this in order to remind loved ones that this is a "house of love." And all in a very passive aggressive way, with a paperweight that says "HONOR" or a hallway plaque that says "SHARE." It's really the decorating equivalent of leaving naggy, needy Post-Its everywhere.


Now, I understand if you're a 14-year old girl, this type of stuff is fun and goofy. So a pink alarm clock that says "TIME FOR FUN!" on it is pretty standard for that age. But when 50-year old women strew heart-shaped rocks with the word "HOPE" on it in their gardens, it reeks of tackiness and fart moustaches.



A far darker possibility for having these around is that they are somehow substitutes for actual familial affection. Or that they're for people who have grown old and don't have anyone around anymore. Possibilities that are too sad to even begin joking about on this blog. I mean, we just wrote "fart moustaches" earlier, for crying out loud.


So old biddies and chicks with no taste are welcome to continue buying these horrible things at Hallmark Stores, Bed Bath & Beyonds, and Cracker Barrels. And I will continue smashing them in their homes and blaming it on their cats.

Tom Investigates.

Give that man a Jade Mollusk Award!

The Dickside Chats, Part Five (Final Installment)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel had asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his ruminations, porridge, and general pterodactyls on this eponymous blog. This was part five– and the final installment– of a very Shuwetty, very palindromic series:

Joel: (continued from the part four) If anyone can find my original website, I'll be eternally grateful. I can't remember what I called the damned thing. It's not davidsbiblepagesarestucktogether.blogspot.com. I checked that one.

Andrew: Don't get testy there, Joelenator. I know you were the first. And I believe I was the one who brought to attention actual text from the page, and I quote: "yeah yeah David oh yeah." For goodness sakes, if we could only locate this decaying corpse of a blog and resurrect it. I'd give my left ring finger for that. Alright Joel, you've been a pretty good sport with this whole thing. Let's do some word association to close things out, shall we? I'll say a word, then you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready? Go.

Dick.

Joel: David.

Andrew: Chad Yarbrough.

Joel: amuse bouche

Andrew: Tyanna.

Joel: Dick in Russian?

Andrew: Watch.

Joel: Noel's amuse bouche?

Andrew: Walrus.

Joel: Cock ooh ka chew?

Andrew: Farts.

Joel: Get away from my food?

Andrew: Frats.

Joel: The lack of vagina is nice though. Like a chinese food place with no MSG.

Andrew: Cam'ron.

Joel: ar' you trying to be a pirat'?

Andrew: Freaknik.

Joel: I lived in atlanta. Good times. Good times.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad fashions a comfortable safety belt strap from a golf towel as he drives through rugged and hilly Nebraska)