Featured Speakers At the Next CES

The upcoming Consumer Electronics Show has booked some notable keynote speakers. Here's who to expect in Hall C:

• TAKIN Home Pregnancy Test CEO Mandy Takins will have intercourse with audience members to test out the latest kits

• Smuckers CEO Don LaGrippe will announce and smoke the new Goober Grape Vape

• Dirt Devil President Garry Rousseau will demonstrate the new "naughty" attachments

• HD DVD promoter Jessica Hundmann will return years later to complain how the HD DVD format was better than Blu Ray all along

• Samsung rep Xi Tsung will reveal the new fuckable TV

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

"If you're so smart, dolphin, why aren't you rich?"

"I am, bitch."

WTPA had to fire correspondent T.Y. when they realized he was a mumble rapper.

Still funnier than Fallon.

When your Uber is late because of arena traffic.

Write what you know, I guess. *shrug*

Whenever Jean Deaux shifted in the leather sectional, it sounded like she farted. So she stayed still.

If it don't close, it's not much of a trap, is it?

"Some thugs attacked me with a Play-Doh Fun Factory, officer!"

Hellboy was used to handling bigger guns, but whatever.

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Face it. Your acting career isn't taking off the way you imagined after moving to LA. You've been passed over for that tomato soup commercial that would've really put you on the map. So now what? How about getting into porn? You can land a pornstar job anywhere in the Valley within 15 minutes. Alls you need now is a pornstar name. Here are a few aliases that are available, but only because they're terrible. So help yourself (and then help yourself):

HER:

Unmitigata Gall

Halley Tosis

Helvetica Wide

Anal Adams

Hannah Lay

Maga Dipshit

HIM:

Partisan Gerrymandering

Brock Holeson

Pervert Hoover

Skeevie Ray Vaughn

Abdulling Banjos

Locke Herrupp

Here's A Brief List of Things You Can Be Expected To Applaud For At Any Comedy Club

• the incredible and hardworking waitstaff

• how nice the venue looks

• the presenter

• "The Ladies"

• the fact that you're "having a good time"

• that it's the comedian's birthday

• that the comedian has a new baby

• any mention of New York

• any mention of the West Coast

• being single

• being married

• the mention of beer

• the mention of pot

• how handsome Ryan Gosling is

• how strong your drinks are

• Columbus Day

• the enduring popularity of McDonald's food

• how fucking feels good

• our men and women in uniform

• how cool dogs are

• liking big butts

• the Golden Corral

• reversible windows

• the death of "Clippy"

• cosplay

• roma tomatoes

• the end of slavery

• fart spray

• Ron Perlman

• cloth napkins kicking ass

• keg stands

• drinking from a beer boot

• oscilloscopes

• the concept of humility

• Cameron Diaz' film career

• female directors

• USB hubs

• the apostle Peter

• Overstock.com

• fleshlights

• parting your hair on the right

The EADJ Crappinema Is Proud To Present "Gooby"

"Gooby" is a self-described "family friendly" children's movie, implying that "Finding Nemo" and "Shrek" somehow feature hookers, drug deals, and buckets of gore. "Gooby's" distributor Monterey Media really go out of their way to drive this "family friendly" selling point home. Fine. If your family enjoys poor production values, trillions of shades of brown, some story resolution that pops up at the end without any forewarning or character development, and badly designed childhood pals who will haunt your nightmares forever, then yes, this is a "family friendly"movie.

It must also be said that it took me forever to write this one up- not because I lost my USB thumb drive and had to watch the goddamn thing all over again, but because it was such utter toil to watch, screen grab, and caption this furry turd of a pap smear. For kids.

 

 

I just realized there are TWO "Return of the Jedi" references in this write-up. Fuck it!

Overall Grade: F