UAG

The ProofrEADJer: December Edition

 

Yet Even More Terrible Porn Names

Before joining the porn industry, a lot of "hopefuls" think they need a big dong or some gigantic boobs to get started. And that's true, but you also need a catchy porn name. Something that sets you apart but isn't your real name, because who wants pervs showing up at your front door? Here now are some available porn names that you're free to use in your porn career. But keep in mind that like you, they will suck:

Him

Ty Tasshole

Little Lord Fondlemyballs

Q. Anon

Taika Bigshitonmychest

(your actual Social Security number)

Her

Shaquila Sunrise

Manda Lorian

Braxton Hicks Contractions

Medula Oblongottahaveit

Midi Chlorine

Sara Tonin

This Week On Lifetime's Original Series "Walkway To Parking," Starring Melissa Joan Hart

Things are ratcheted up a notch in Donna Park's (Melissa Joan Hart) world: rival bad-girl shopper Kate Don V (played by Kat Von D) discovers the secret walkway to parking and threatens to disclose its location on her podcast unless Park gives her all the Jamba Juice sandwich punch cards in her glove compartment. Add a mysterious fake rape whistle vendor, an imminent tornado, and a mild outbreak of meningitis and you've got yourself almost a full hour of nailbiting Lifetime-style drama. Brought to you with limited commercial interruption by Jamba Juice and the French.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Da Station

Remember that great show "WKRP?" And the urban comedy smash "Barbershop?" Well, the makers of Da Station saw them, too, and figured they could make something as good or better. Problem is nobody amongst them knew how to write dialogue. Or a plot. Or knew how to type it up on the computer. Or knew how to fix the printer once the "low ink" light came on. So the movie was pretty much a neato premise with an impressive cast that slowly falls apart due to no story. By the end, it's such a flaccid pigfuck that I'm surprised anyone showed up at the last day.



























And with all hip hoppers, it always ends in violence (did white guys write this?).


(Click to play)
$5 to anyone who can decipher what these two guys are mumbling.









So by this point, the filmmakers were throwing pretty much everything against the wall to make the movie interesting. One of the things they threw was a Miss Big Booty '96 pageant full of more terrible stereotypes! Yay!


(Click to play)





When you're writing a comedy ("urban" or not), I understand that you often have to create broad characters and situations to get the funny. But to have two types of characters: the jackass clown and the straight, boring one who isn't a jackass clown, you're just being lazy.

Overall grade: F

A hunka hunka burning dick

Joel's career as a terrible screenwriter was put on temporary hold this week while he explored the world of antique appraisal.

Browsing through various shops on La Brea Avenue, Joel picked some select pieces and gave them the value he thought they deserved. Some shop owners, however, begged to differ with Joel's appraisals. For example, an oak chiffarobe worth $4500 was given Joel's estimate of 8,200 dicks. A $300 nightstand, 750 dicks. And an old bowl with a basin, "lots and lots o' dick, especially if it's Mexican."

Eventually, Joel's sorry ass was hauled out of a furniture shop and he was given a whimsical tin sign saying "STAY OUT! I'M CRANKY!" Even if furniture store owners don't like you, they're always hospitable.

(pictured above, a truly appropriate product tie-in, although we don't understand why Elvis is singing into a giant match.)