New EADJ Segment: Lame Vintage Leno Monologue!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Some low octane, low performance comedy today:

Let's Crumple Up the EADJ Mail Sack To Make It Look Older Than It Is!

Submitted by Andrew Gall, a news item that J'Net would approve of:

Who Farted? NBC Monday Lineup Styley

The networks love posting huge photos of their primetime lineups at Grand Central Station. Their little way of showing you what you're missing at home while you wait for the train.

Heroes has lots of cast members. So any poster of the show is going to show at least 15 of them. This always makes for a lively game of "Who Farted?" So let's meet the players:


Little boy who can control all electronics and mysterious, protective Dad of cheerleader. Both look accusatory without a speck of self-consciousness. Probably not them.

Asian Art Garfunkel looking distracted and hopeful, with just a hint of a smile. It's not a stretch that it could be him.


Intense, mind-reading cop. The furrowed brow, the pursed lips– yeah, this is the frontrunner for sure.


Hot blonde playing boring hot blonde with boring powers. She's looking suspicious, but that might be just her eyebrow pluck job.


Dreamy Indian dude looking trance-like and delirious. A solid (or gaseous) contender! Ha ha! You see what I did there?


Two bobbleheads looking in different directions as if they didn't fart, but you suspect they probably did. Hiro should be whistling, too.


Overall Who Farted Factor: 9 out of 10. Lots of suspects, with a satisfying resolution. (sung) Unlike the shooow...

Most Likely Fart Suspect: I'm going to have to go with the intense cop. He used his mind powers to cloud (pardon the pun) the judgment of the others, so that they're looking everywhere but at him.


**BONUS ROUND**


The players: Hot long-haired brunette, dude that I could've sworn was Anthony Michael Hall, and hot bob-haired brunette.

"Who farted" factor: 3 out of 10. Blame it on the poor composition or the poor acting, but there's not a lot of intrigue here.

Most likely fart suspect: The long-haired one. She used the wall behind her to deflect the cloud over to the bridge. Nice bank shot.

**EDITOR'S UPDATE** The caption that reads "Ali Landry" should actually read Ali Larter. EADJ regrets the error, although you'd probably understand the mix-up, because they're both boneriffic.

Who Farted? Special Soon-To-Be Cancelled Show With Confusing Title Edition

Okay, let's get down to business. Lots to see here. Finally, a "Who Farted?" with some actual setting, instead of seamless colored backgrounds. Look at that awesome Golden Gate Bridge, and better yet, look at that huge yellowy cloud of ass that was dropped right on the Bay! So let's go left to right here:


Poor man's Alfre Woodard obviously did NOT fart. Her sense of disgust and outrage is almost all up in your face. Dial it down, woman, I'm just asking!


Watered down Leah Remini (look it up) brings nothing to the table. A casual viewer would suggest that she's in the back because she's hiding something. Stupid amateur!


So either someone simply photoshopped Kirsten Dunst's head onto the real actress here, or they're wearing an officially-licensed Spider-Man 3 mask available at Halloween Blowout at your local strip mall. I don't think she farted. Although I do imagine Kirsten Dunst's farts to smell pretty rank.


This was an easy one. Front and center. Not only does she look guilty, she has her ass shooting through the crime tape! The posterior version of the smoking gun. Literally. Nice badge placement too, lady.

Overall Who Farted Factor: 8 out of 10. It's a wonderful composition, with just a few points off for obviousness.

Squeaking Out a Late Entry

Yeah I can't believe I didn't see this one before, either.

THE BIG BANG THEORY

The Players: Dorktastic skinny bug-eyed dude, Amanda-Bynes-type blondie, and helladork with unforgivably bad hair.

'Who Farted' Factor: 10 out of 10. Skinny dude is totally appalled at ass being dropped behind him. Helladork is about to call blondie out, but she doesn't even start to protest. "Yeah, that's right, bitches. I farted." Was a 9 out of 10 until I realized the goddamned TITLE.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Blondie! Yay, equal rights!

Joel Reviews New DVD Releases Whilst Eating Dick

This week: "Eragon" starring Ed Speleers, John Malkovich, & Jeremy Irons. 1 hr 44 mins. Rated PG.

Well, the first thing that struck me about this movie was its obvious influences by big epic fantasies like the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy and the recent film "Reign of Fire."

Ed Speleers plays Eragon, who gloph uph meph theph gah oph fuh oph meph (gulp) eph thah ath heph ahh gahh fahh oahh aahh muphh muhhh muhh phoh ahh kaagghh.

Ahh gaahhhh, fahah? Thaah naahh goohh shohhhh fohhh (gulp).


Buh bah haughh hah huh gah phlehh dragahhh ahh sehhhh...such huge balls... gahhhh gahhh hahhh teh froahhh (gag) fehhh sheeuhh (gulp) tahhh dahhh ahhh ohhh oohhh tehhhh. Sheehhh nahhhh poohhh nohh hoh fehh shehh nuhh dragohhhhzhhh.

Grahh fahh hahhgahh noohh stehhh DVD gahhh transfehhh... so meaty... hughhh ghhhh fghhhh kaaakhhhh (gag) *cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough* hashhh thehhh frahhhh fahhhh buhh tuhh gerrghhhhh jushhhh frahhh thethhhh sahhhhh shehhh nahhhh.

Buuuhhahh hahahh ahhhshh drehhh puuhhh (choke) rehhh nuhhh ferrhhhh shehhh... (deep breath) stuhhh hunnnhhhh guhhh fuuhhh Ed Speleers hehhh verhhh sheehhhhh turhrhhh turhhh turhhhh gakk.

Joel's Movie Rating: ****
Joel's Transfer Rating: ***
Joel's Extras Rating: **

Your dick still smells of Joel.

Joel is preparing for a walk-on guest appearance on the hit Fox series "House." Although he won't have any speaking parts, he will be sharing screen time with Hugh Laurie. It's that brief exposure to a great British actor that Joel hopes to parlay into eating the dicks of his favorite British comedians– Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Eddie Izzard, Dudley Moore, Peter Cook and David Walliams.

When reminded that Dudley Moore has been dead since 2002, Joel vomited a little in his mouth and then swallowed.

(pictured above, file under "Unfortunate stock photo choices")