UAG

How To Tell The Difference Between CBS's FBI, FBI: International, and FBI: Most Wanted

Hello, network TV watcher. We understand your time is valuable, so while the 5+ minutes of pharmaceutical commercials are playing during the station break, we'd like to help you distinguish between the identical-seeming FBI programs on CBS, aka the "Tiffany network".

Here are some handy rules of thumb to tell them apart:

• If Dermot Mulroney is on it, it's FBI: Most Wanted. (No, wait. Or is it Dylan McDermott?)

• If the two lead actors are a woman and a dude with a beard, chances are it's either FBI or FBI: International

• If you see the Eiffel Tower, that means you're watching either FBI: International or FBI and the show is taking place at Kings Dominion in Virginia.

• If they're suddenly speaking Spanish and there are NOT subtitles, that just means you sat on the remote, grandma.

• If the storyline is engaging, intelligently written and impeccably acted, that means it's none of those FBI shows and you're illegally watching a pirated copy of HBO's hit series "Severance." We have called the real FBI and they are on their way.

The Grammys!

This Friday, CBS presents the 408th Annual Grammys, celebrating the best in music for 2023-2024. 

featuring performances by:

Hogsweat

Spumani Pedi

Tweeparty

G9RV8

Craigslist Meetup '94

Bruh

Izzy Dedd and Lil' Thyroid

Hoo Gotcha (ft. SPAMenoid)

Episode Summaries From This Week's Chicago Whatevers

Chicago P.D.

• Sergeant Wilson gives up on learning origami

• Wallace and Bronchi respond to gunshots near the South Loop, don't see anything and find a vendor that sells real char-dogs!

• Inspector Lacey's relationship with her therapist prompts her to get another therapist.

Chicago Med

• Garcia quits as administrator so she can run for state senate. Nobody notices.

• Dr. Kilby and Dr. Schuul argue over whether the #21 scalpel should go to the left or right of the prep table.

• Somebody's cute dog is let loose on the fourth floor and causes a literal riot.

Chicago Fire

• Battalion Chief Nimitz wonders where that delicious smell of oysters is coming from.

• Fire Chief Drummond and Hannah have a long overdue heart-to-heart talk while sliding down the pole.

• Lieutenant Hoffs accidentally backs the fire engine into a hydrant and everyone gets to cool off in slow motion.

Some "2 Broke Girls" Episode Summaries, Now With "Enhanced" Endings

If you've ever read this blog before, you know how much we love the CBS smash hit television show "2 Broke Girls." We love it so much, in fact, that we've decided to expand on the basic two-sentence summaries found on most "2BG" episode guides to give you a more comprehensive look into these timeless entries into broadcast history. Enjoy!

Maurice and Kristine: Network Promotional Whores

J'Net brought this to my attention yesterday: CBS 2 is promoting NFL Thursday Night Football and they got the contractually obligated news anchors Kristine Johnson and Maurice Du Bois (it means "of wood") to dress up and "have fun with it." And they tried.

Looks like Kristine drew the line at wearing a ruffled cheerleader miniskirt. And it looks like Maurice said "Hell no" and simply changed his tie to a gold one.

I'm not entirely understanding the glowing tip of the football. What does that remind me of? Oh, right.

RUN, MAURICE! COVER YOUR FACE!

Here's Maurice cutting loose.

Here's Kristine thinking about what time she had to pick up her dry cleaning before they closed.

***THIS JUST IN*** The EADJ Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index REFERENCED On CBS 2 News!

Submitted by J'Net, actual video of the 2/26 CBS News Weather Broadcast where Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Lonnie Quinn actually reference the "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter!"

Fast forward to the end of his forecast at 2:10 if you don't believe me:




(Video no longer available. Dammit.)




Transcript

Maurice: We'll keep an eye on the sleeve, the jacket, and all that.

Lonnie Quinn: That's right. Watch the Sleeve-o-monitor… the Sleeve-o-meter!




Holy shit. That can only mean that CBS 2 News has read the entries about the Lonnie Quinn-dex on EADJ and are referencing THIS VERY BLOG!!!!

No, really. Even if they didn't call it the Lonnie Quinn-dex, a quick Google search of the misnamed "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter" showed Eat A Dick Joel as the FIRST SEARCH RESULT.

This is huge. So Lonnie, Maurice, and Kristine, if you are reading this, hi, I'm a really big fan of your newscast, and if one of you would utter the phrase "Eat A Dick Joel" on the air, I'd really appreciate it.

And please tell Alice Gainer I'm sorry I called her a homewrecker.

Oh, This Is Gonna Be Bad. The Lonnie Quinndex Returns

EADJ continues its coverage of CBS 2's Lonnie Quinn's coverage of this winter's awful weather. For the uninitiated, the Lonnie Quinndex gauges the shirtsleeves of CBS 2 meteorologist Lonnie Quinn, since the degree to which they are rolled up on his arms is DIRECTLY related to how severe the weather is that he's forecasting.

This time, right off the bat, Lonnie Quinn's shirtsleeves are ALREADY above the elbow, meaning the entire Northeast is majorly fucked in the weather department.

Fucked.

Fucked.

Fucked.

10"-16"

Fucked.

Severe Winter Weather Hits… And We Report Its Effect On Lonnie Quinn's Sleeves

The following observations were made today to further test EADJ's Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index :when severe weather is about to take place, the condition of handsome weatherman Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe is a reliable indicator of how much shit is about to hit the fan.

Earlier today, the National Weather Service released a Winter Storm Warning alert to take effect from now until 6am EST Wednesday. With more than 1.500 flights canceled in area airports, early school closings and already a foot of snow on the ground, it is almost certain that Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe has been effected. Let's check in:

Stay tuned to this blog for the latest on Lonnie Quinn's condition and how he changes as the inches get deeper.

Gainfully Employed

Spotted in the local Metro, good news for Alice Gainer- she got a full-time anchoring gig on a CBS affiliate!

No more homewrecking the perfect chemistry between Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson! Enjoy your new home, AG!

The Next Ten Episodes Of CBS's "Under The Dome"

"Under The Dome" is a wildly successful dramatic series on CBS that depicts a town that suddenly has to deal with a giant inexplicable dome that appeared around it. The townfolk are forced apart from each other and have to take the entire premise seriously. Oh, and it's based on a novel by Stephen King if any of you think that would help.

EADJ got an exclusive sneak peek at the next ten episodes of "Under The Dome" and would like to share these mindblowing episode summaries with you [WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD]:

"Shovel"

Episode 1.2

Cassie, the waitress from the diner, gets a shovel and tries to dig her way down under the dome, only to find that the dome is actually a sphere.

"Gun"

Episode 1.3

Farmer Gillins takes his shotgun and tries to shoot a crack into the dome, but realizes all of his shotgun shells are ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOME.

"Stick/Branch"

Episode 1.4

Burt, the Boy Scout troop leader, uses a stick to find a seam in the dome. He dies horribly.

"Blowtorch"

Episode 1.5

Hughes, the mechanic at the service station, attempts to use a blowtorch to burn a hole into the dome. He only manages to get the dome material too hot to touch for fifteen minutes.

"Courteney Cox"

Episode 1.6

Special guest star Courteney Cox appears in the dome and suggests that they use a shovel, gun, stick or blowtorch to break the dome, only to be told that all of those things have already been tried. Also, since she is IN the dome, she is now a series regular rather than just a guest star.

"Sandpaper"

Episode 1.7

Some idiot tries to use sandpaper to sand their way out of the dome and wastes an hour of everyone's time.

"Loud Music"

Episode 1.8

Local record store owner Levi suggests that they try to blast their way out of the dome with really loud music, only to find that his record collection is mostly Andy Williams and mellow clarinetist Acker Bilk.

"Dome"
Episode 1.9
Science Teacher Mrs. Morgan comes up with the idea that the only thing that can break the dome is ANOTHER DOME. The townsfolk look everywhere for another dome to crack the original dome and actually FIND ONE, except that second dome is outside their dome, so they can't reach it to break their own.

"Skateboarders"
Episode 1.10
In the first season finale, some daring skateboarders volunteer to skate UP THE DOME to find an exit at the top. They actually don't find an opening but have a great time skating along the sides of the dome, much to the irritation of the more elderly townsfolk. Music by Pierce The Veil and Speaking The King's.

The Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index: ATTENTION: EVERYTHING IS OKAY

Severe thunderstorms and even a hurricane warning graced the tristate area on Monday, and CBS 2 News had it covered like always. We kept close tabs on the Lonnie Quinn Sleeve Index, as has been well documented on this blog.

And just for the hell of it, here is some caption fun with Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood:")

Stay tight!

A Change In Lineup?

You regular reader(s) know that I enjoy my local newscasters, Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson on CBS 2 News. Why? Because not only they are a comely couple, their between-story banter has the proper balance of pleasant and quick.

Now, mind you, this type of banter is not easily attained. It is a delicate entity that can only be nourished by years of reading stories next to each other and learning each other's rhythms. And it's this light banter that helps ease a viewer from one horrific news story about an accidental beheading to another about a python eating an old folk's home. So imagine my surprise at turning to the national news at 6 and seeing THIS:

Has Maurice hit the big leagues? HE MADE IT TO THE SHOW?! When was I informed of this?! And who's taking Maurice's place back at the farm?

Mother of peroxide. Alice motherfuckin' Gainer is back to destroy a good thing. She just can't resist tearing Kristine from her man and absolutely destroying any good newsroom banter, can she? Alice Gainer. Goddammit.