A Bad Visual For a Bad Ad

Pictured below: a web banner for Banatrol (?!?!) where apparently a woman likes to sniff her fingers after having chronic diarrhea.

“Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them like this!” - Mary Catherine Gallagher, SNL

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones continues to push his writers to come up with the batshit craziest conspiracy lunacy to inject into public discourse. Here are the latest conspiracies that he will inject into his upcoming shows:

• Starbucks are communist collectives designed to poison capitalist workers with overpriced caffeine to make them TOO productive.

• People who work at aquariums around the country are all Mormon socialists, planning to marry all the dolphins and spread the fish/wealth

• Grimace is actually a large virulent fungus engineered by McDonald's to devour all uneaten burgers in parking lots

• Public librarians have been trained by the Mossad to assassinate anyone who defaces children's books about Hanukkah

• Soul legend Ray Charles was a foreign operative, and his song "Georgia On My Mind" was about the Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic that he missed so much

"The Most Successful People In Life Get That Way By Putting Pathmark and Commitment Into Their Work."

EADJ Summer Segment: Creators Explain

This is part 2 of an ongoing seasonal series, where we have asked the creators of various beach toys to explain their invention. This week: Sam Kretfell, inventor of Reach Volley

SK: Yeah, this is one o' those games where you throw this tennis ball thing and catch it with these velcro paddles 'n shit.

EADJ: Isn't the name a little confusing by sounding a lot like 'beach volleyball'?

SK: Nah, man. This is Reach Volley. Your homie volleys that shit to you, and you reach, dig? 'S fun for kids or whatever.

EADJ: Okay.

SK: That's it.

EADJ: Is this sold at dollar stores?

SK: Yeah, how'd you know?

Well, This Is Cosi.

Cosi recently announced their new New York Pastrami Melt, which apparently captures the atmosphere of a fiery, post-apocalyptic Manhattan.

Spotted in Chinatown

A shirt I can't tell is ironic or not.


"DO NOT NIEECH"

Wal-Mart is More Pathmark Than Pathmark

More entries from Brad Harvey's notebook!

The following are entries in Brad Harvey's notebook/journal. EADJ got their hands on it when Brad got up to take a dump in The Caribou Coffee on Michigan Ave. Employees reported later that he forgot to flush.

• New idea for reality show: film a bunch of people living together and generally just bitching about stupid shit. Tentative title: Remnants of the Coccyx

• Finish that ear of corn behind the futon

• What was the name of that guy who played B.A. Baracus in "The A Team?" Gotta go to the library and look it up...

• I should totally buy the domain http://http://.com! I could make like a hundred dollars!!

• Start using inverted parentheses, just to be different!

• Remember Wesley Snipes' words of advice about who to bet on next time I'm at the roulette table at The Grand Victoria Riverboat Casino on the scenic Fox River, just east of Route 31 in Elgin.

• Confront Ryan about those farting parties he keeps throwing in my cube. No, wait. That's ME! )Confront Ryan anyway(

• Return that pretty girl's neck brace. She probably needs it.

• Fried chicken and okra! That's the best!

• Ask doctor why pee is green and gravy-like lately

• Get LAID!!! )stop by ATM first(

Eat A Dick Joel: Special Teacher's Edition

(Note: This is a special guide to help educators explain in more detail the life and travails of Joel Thomas to their students. This is not an instructional guide on how to eat dick.)

Students often ask "Why does Joel eat dick?" Instead of ignoring this obvious question or punishing them, you should let them figure it out for themselves. Answer them with questions of your own: "Why shouldn't Joel eat dick?" "What is the symbolic connection between Joel and dick?" "What about Joel can we identify with?" "Who's making farting noises near the radiator? Is it you, Peter?"

Also, workbooks are helpful in developing a student's understanding of dick being eaten by Joel. By involving them in activities, essays, and pictograms, by the end of 8 weeks most 3rd graders can grasp the concept of Joel chugging huge amounts of ding dong and can probably write "Eat a dick, Joel" in cursive.

Answers for section 2 of the workbooks:

1. Yes
2. Yes.
3. Four.
4. Dick.
5. 225 North Michigan, 24th Floor, Chicago, IL 60601, Attn: Brad Harvey
6. The letters C, U, and N.
7. Frederick Douglass
8. Chris Klein dressed like a pizza.
9. Fangoria Magazine, Vol. 4, Issue 8

(pictured above, the exact amount of Indian food that Scott Wild can eat without spraying the bowl in orange.)