More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Good afternoon. I'd like you to open the main vault for a major withdrawal, if you please. And although I'm asking nicely, please don't fail to notice that my associates have AR-15s pointed at you."

"Another hit off the list. Time to clock out. It's Miller time!"

"I know these are all health code violations, sir, but they're FUNNY!"

"This Sonic guy is a pussy. Time to fuck some shit up."

"You're playing Masud Rana? No, I'm Masud Rana."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

*deep breath*

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hey girl. You ever jump off an exploding tanker train car?"

"We will not be replaced!" "Good people on both sides!"

 

Here Are Next Week's Conspiracy Theories, Brought To You By Info Wars And Doomsday® Brand Survival Buckets

Alex Jones's staff of white writers are hard at work concocting elaborate explanations why white people aren't doing so well these days, and Alex himself is doing face exercises and mouth stretches to serve that worthless pablum to you as clearly as possible. Here's what's to come:

• Antonia Banderas has been dead for 10 years, and every time you see him in a recent film, it's a different illegal alien who's just crossed the border into Hollywood.

• Bean sprouts on salads make you gay. And hard crust croutons turn you straight again.

• Most men can hide a ping pong ball in the space between their balls and their dick. You should try it sometime.

• Many straight Disney employees are so desperate for a paycheck, they pretend to enjoy Sam Smith and vegan pizza during Gay Day.

• The Ebola virus is simply the mumps rebranded by a San Francisco public relations firm.

• Loretta Lynch is responsible for male pattern baldness, the disappearance of the world's bees, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, fewer mandrill adoptions, the dotcom bubble, the miseducation of Lauryn Hill, the mispronunciation of the word 'nuclear', and the cancellation of "Baskets."

And Now For "Avalanche Sharks," The "All Trump Transition Team" Edition

"But none of these are funny," you'll say. And I'll agree.

Joanne Versus The Claw!

An epic, ongoing battle between two bitter rivals. Who will emerge the victor? And who the hell is Victor?

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, Shorter, Fatter

It has been a while since an update, but The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has once again been spotted. This ends weeks of debate over whether the SFVOSP had found another job, died, or never even existed.

Andrew encountered the illusive organism earlier this morning. Here is his account:

As I sauntered in around 9:30 this morning, I spotted the SFVSOP in his typical summer outfit: a long green button up shirt with a plaid pattern and his trademark baggy Tommy Hilfiger jeans. He also was wearing something that struck me as curious: socks with sandals. The question of why comes to mind. He was carrying some sort of breakfast meal (looked greasy) and a bottle of orange juice. As we entered the elevator, he was captivated by the Captivate screen. He commented to a colleague about the Pat Tillman incident. His undertone led me to believe he is a liberal SFVSOP. His voice is extremely high. Higher than Joel’s, even. Yet another piece of steadily mounting evidence that he’s a little “you know.” He departed on the usual 22nd floor and I headed on my way.

For breaking the dry spell, Andrew earns the coveted Gold Mollusk Award, only the second ever to be given out (the first recipient was Ryan Boblett. Remember him?)

(pictured above, Mr. Wood, No. 2 by Andrew Gall. Ink on Paper. From his private collection.)