All The Content Creators and Influencers You Can Expect at VidCon '23

VidCon is becoming the world's foremost gathering of streamers and TikTok stars. Here's who to expect at the next convention:

• Baisley- the self-styled Instagram prankster and comedian who's been punched in the face only 4 times so far

• Samantha Risles- this 12 year old streamer simultaneously overshares and whines about wanting to be left alone

• Danny Masterson

• Tha B*XBOY Gang- based in Who Cares, Ohio, this untalented group of four brothers talk too loud and are all saying the same thing: We should've never been born.

• Victor Kush– considered YouTube's "uptight Ben Shapiro", this conservative firebrand is famous for his outrage culture war videos and macrame tutorials

• Just Horse Just– possibly an avant garde performance troupe. Possibly a group of morons in unitards playing with each other's dicks. 🤷

A hunka hunka burning dick

Joel's career as a terrible screenwriter was put on temporary hold this week while he explored the world of antique appraisal.

Browsing through various shops on La Brea Avenue, Joel picked some select pieces and gave them the value he thought they deserved. Some shop owners, however, begged to differ with Joel's appraisals. For example, an oak chiffarobe worth $4500 was given Joel's estimate of 8,200 dicks. A $300 nightstand, 750 dicks. And an old bowl with a basin, "lots and lots o' dick, especially if it's Mexican."

Eventually, Joel's sorry ass was hauled out of a furniture shop and he was given a whimsical tin sign saying "STAY OUT! I'M CRANKY!" Even if furniture store owners don't like you, they're always hospitable.

(pictured above, a truly appropriate product tie-in, although we don't understand why Elvis is singing into a giant match.)

Oh No You Di-Int!

It takes a man to admit his mistakes. It takes even more of a man to admit to eating a lot of dick that wasn't his to eat.

Joel went speedwalking earlier this morning on a route that he doesn't normally take, and he found himself down a one-way street leading into a gigantic warehouse. The warehouse took up 8 football fields of space, with ceilings as high as an elephant's eye. But by taking the back entrance, Joel failed to see the huge sign out front reading LOS ANGELES DICK DEPOSITORY, or L.A.D.D.

Convinced he stumbled upon a roomful of treasure, Joel dove into the massive crates of dick with both hands flailing. He ate and ate and ate dick, like a dog in a hamburger factory, except for hamburgers it was dick- you get my metaphor, right? Whatever.

Fast forward twenty minutes, and Joel has eaten almost half of the dick in the warehouse. His belly has now bulged to the point of snapping the elastic on his velour track pants. So when L.A.D.D. organizer Cheryl Bleden-Hart showed up, boy was he in a lick of trouble!

Joel has since apologized and has offered to recoup all the eaten dick through a speaking tour on behalf of Cheryl and L.A.D.D.

(pictured above, the rivets are already starting to break on the U.S.S. CK ManSpa.