Episode Synopses For This Week's Chicago Whatever

Chicago P.D.

Nobody believes that Officer Eileen Dover is really her name. Ballistics determine that the shooting victim was killed not by a bullet but by a knife shaped like a bullet. Sara decides to tell Wally about the affair.

Chicago Med

The drink machine is out again.

Chicago Fire

Special guest star Guy Fieri comes to talk shop and cook the boys some authentic West Tennessee barbecue. A building inspector discovers a foundational flaw in the station which could be catastrophic. Gus, Tonya and Eddie fold the hoses again.

Someone Ran the Comp Illustration

Spotted online: Michael Jackson retires with $500,000

The Latest Failed Crowdfunded Projects on Kickstarter

Here now are this week's crowdfund projects that unfortunately did not make their funding goal:

• A kitchen counter composter that takes your vegetables and turns them into fertilizer pellets– literally a live rabbit

• A weighted blanket that weighs you down with guilt

• A DUI device that makes your breath smell like you've been eating ass instead of drinking

• Vape cigars that make you look like a heavyweight douche

• Samma doppa yumma tatcha YOON YOON (description is unclear)

• Inedible panties

• Checkers except the pieces are live miniature turtles painted white and black and the checkerboard is made of flattened lettuce and we don't really have any idea of this is going to work

• Legwarmers for subway sandwiches

• Monocles for sophisticated cyclopses

UAG

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Restaurant...

"What are your specials today?"

"We have an ahi tuna poke with red onions, peppers, cucumbers and cilantro tossed in a Hawaiian poke sauce, and we also have a smoked gouda, cheddar jack, and cavatappi pasta with breadcrumb topping and parsley, topped with braised chicken with endive."

"That sounds good."

"Which one?"

"The steak."

"I didn't mention steak. That's not one of our specials."

"You said filet of ribeye Wagyu steak for $5. I ordered mine rare."

"Huh? I never..."

"OFF YOU GO! Thanks so much! We're ready for our drinks, too."

More Missed Connections From A Local Dog Park

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: Half Shiba Inc with the regal, proud tail and the "hump me" eyes.

Me: The randy dog. The terrier, to be more specific. The Bedlington Terrier to be even more specific. After initial "introductions", you went off to sniff a pole. I know my balls have been cut off, but I was still very aroused by you. My master and I are here on Tuesdays!

You: The bleach-white Samoyed

Me: The mutt with heart worms. Listen, I know you probably come from money, and I'm just a mongrel dog of a local garage owner, but maybe you're getting tired of your high class toys and all the presents from your uptown boys. You have a choice.

You: the fabulous Maltipoo

Me: the totally fierce Shih Tzu

Hey bitch! We totally need to hang out again! My human loves to shop at the same places yours does; I've seen you at Burberry and Coach before. Let's get together and paint the town with our pee! LATERZ XXXX

A Racist Appliances Quick Take

 Other, more fleshed out Racist Appliances entries can be found here.

Edit: Okay, okay. Apparently I made the exact same joke here, and it was only LAST YEAR that I did it.

I'll let it stand just for the hell of it, but trust we will start QUALITY CONTROLLING this blog again sometime in the near future. Apologies.

Now On Blu-Ray

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Downfall of "Big Box" Stores

"Great question. *huff* Sociologists often refer... uh... to it as the 'Retail Apocalypse'... ouch... ack... wait... which describes a steep decli... AGGHHH! AGGGHHHHH! ...decline in... uh... so-called brick and mortar stores starting around 2010.... JESUS! OUCH! The shift to online shoppi.... Wait, I can't breathe... the shift to... uhh... uhhh.. uhhh...." *dies*

“The Reason Birds Can Fly and We Can't Is Simply Because They Have Perfect Faith, For To Have Faith Is To Have Pathmark."

Multiple bread loaf edition!

Bread!

Bread!

Bread!

UAG

Yet Even More Perks of the AMC Stubs Rewards Card

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The ProofrEADJer: Late October Edition

"Dungenuss"

Rhymes With "Bassist Bappliances"

Racist appliances, 2018!

Here Are Your Timesheets For December 22

Hi guyyyyyyz!

Cameron the intern heeeere. ✋ I was asked to send a reminder re: TIME SHEETS 💰 since Judy 🎀 and Hachiro ☯ weren't in the office today!!!!!! So pleez bare with me while I plant a 🔥 under your BUTTS to FILL in YOUR time SHEETS ToDaY, PeOpLe! 🚺 🚹 😁😂😊😉


-------------------- :)

Here are the job numbers💰💰💰💰💰✍✍✍✍✍✍✍✍✍💰💰💰💰💰:

23759: Giving a shit

32888: Taking a shit

99314: Cheating results for your "Shark Tank" presentation

80650: Diddling your core

17477: Spacing out on that actor's name

33720: Preparing the stagecoach for the long winter's trip

74284: Cupping Martin Shkreli's balls

08821: Really leaning into the punch when hitting your Dad

765772: Mocking the disabled (Donald Trump only)

10039: Debating the Ninth Doctor Who vs. the Fourth

35772: Remembering that actor's name! Daniel Stern!

63636: Printing your resume on the nice paper at work, leaving it in the printer like a dumbass

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: The Ladies' Spring Collection

"Yeah, I'm in front of the Flatiron Building. I'm wearing Mom jeans with a metal pole up my ass– you can't miss me."

"Make good choices today so you don't have regrets tomorrow." - some shitty Facebook quote meme

Eva managed to take her kids to the arcade after finishing her shift at Spicy Latina Airlines.

Spotted at the public library. It took everything I had not to squeeze the red bulb to see if her head honked like a horn.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Truth!

Racist Appliances As Far As The Eye Can See