A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs Explains Plumbism

"Great question. Plumbism, or lead poisoning, is the buildup of lead in the body, usually over months or years.

Lead-based paint and... wait... its dust, uh, usually found *ACK* in older buildings, are common sources of exposure. *Huff huff huff* Occupa... occupational exposure, such as welding... OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH is a more common cause for... a... adults. Symptoms.... include *choke* developmental delays, abdominal pain, neurologic changes, and... OH GOD... irritability. At very high levels, it can be fa... fa... fa... fatal." *neck breaks, dies*

Everything Old Is New Again. Again.

We have a regular segment here on EADJ that pokes fun at Hollywood's lack of creativity, and it's all a joke, but for the past few years, the TV studios have shown that they are truly out of ideas and do the laziest thing possible: fall back on reboots. Why take risks and try new things if you already own well-known properties with built-in audiences (provided they're still alive)? I mean, look at this lazy, unoriginal shit:

I mean, it's so bad now, that you remember that old CG-animated series "Reboot"? They rebooted "Reboot"!

Reboot exception: Battlestar Galactica. That shit was awesome.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract updates, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Gusta Wind

• MMA News delivered by an old lady reading a copy of PARADE magazine

• The Deadliest Crotch

• Heroic DMV Bloopers

• Live Webcam of Gerbils Fucking

Thanks to new contracts, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Dust That Ass (home renovation show with a feral donkey)

• Suge Knight's Craft Corner

• Now That's What I Call A Cry For Attention

• America's Got Coronavirus

• Star Trek: Writer's Room

• Impractical Chokers

• Pharmaceutical Commercials' Best Farmers Markets

3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

More entries from Brad Harvey's notebook!

The following are entries in Brad Harvey's notebook/journal. EADJ got their hands on it when Brad got up to take a dump in The Caribou Coffee on Michigan Ave. Employees reported later that he forgot to flush.

• New idea for reality show: film a bunch of people living together and generally just bitching about stupid shit. Tentative title: Remnants of the Coccyx

• Finish that ear of corn behind the futon

• What was the name of that guy who played B.A. Baracus in "The A Team?" Gotta go to the library and look it up...

• I should totally buy the domain http://http://.com! I could make like a hundred dollars!!

• Start using inverted parentheses, just to be different!

• Remember Wesley Snipes' words of advice about who to bet on next time I'm at the roulette table at The Grand Victoria Riverboat Casino on the scenic Fox River, just east of Route 31 in Elgin.

• Confront Ryan about those farting parties he keeps throwing in my cube. No, wait. That's ME! )Confront Ryan anyway(

• Return that pretty girl's neck brace. She probably needs it.

• Fried chicken and okra! That's the best!

• Ask doctor why pee is green and gravy-like lately

• Get LAID!!! )stop by ATM first(