Ummm...

I'm guessing someone named their beloved pets after former presidents, and not their kids?

"Who pooped on the carpet? Was that you, Obama?"

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of May 4, 2018

Twitter is a crowded gymnasium where every idiot has a megaphone. Every Twitter user tweets the dumbest and most hateful, racist, ignorant, shockingly stupid statements on the internet, and even they refuse to use the following hashtags. So go ahead and start your own tweet storm with these bad boys:

#Z100isthebest

#arainstickfullofticks

#softtortillayarmulkes

#stillkneedeepinthehoopla

#afterbirthflavoredDoritos

#deepthroatingadidgeradoo

#whattheinsideofaTeletubbysuitsmellslike

#temptofulltimetogettingfiredforsexualharassment

#neverdotherobotdanceincasetheresarealrobotonthedancefloorwhosefeelingsyouwouldhurt

Some More Unused Stage Names For Your Budding Porn Career

So you're young, untalented, and just moved to the Valley. Welcome to the porn industry! So, to get this party started right, you're going to have to have a handle to scroll on the film's credits that no one ever watches. Here are some unused pornstar names that you can help yourself to:

Him

Yoshinoya Balls

Potatoes O’Brien

Voldebutt

Keith Nutsweat

Sammi Conductor

Trey Upright

Edadick Joel

Her

Edda Mammay

Daraprim

Potatoes O’Brien

Asper Creme

The Atlantic Monthly

Jackie Ho Asses

Anna Phylactic Shock

An Imagined Conversation

"Welcome, Mr. Foxx. We're really excited that you've agreed to be a part of this week's episode."
*nods head*
"By the way, I'm Amanda, the stage producer. This is your green room. Feel free to take off your coat and freshen up, and uh, just relax until we start shooting at 11."
*nods head, examines craft service table*
"Uh, you can, uh, hang your coat over there. Mink. Nice. And when you have a minute, your wardrobe is off to the side here- a pair of jeans and a simple golf shirt. I know you're not used to wearing something so plain, but people don't often wear shiny silver suits on Sesame Street."
*eats a peanut*
"Ahem. Yes. So, Barbara in makeup will be up in about thirty minutes. And Candace will help you with any wardrobe questions or fittings that you might need adjusted."
*nods absently*
"Are you going to eventually take off those sunglasses, Mr. Foxx?"
*ignores her, eats a peanut*
"O-kay... I'll be outside if you need me."
*yawns*
(muttered) "Asshole."

An Imagined Conversation.

"Hello, lady! My name Elmo! You want to count to 10 with Elmo? Okay! Hee hee! Elmo start now! One...two...three...four...hey, what you doing? Elmo trying to count to 10 with nice lady with bowie hunting knife.

"That's okay. Elmo start over with lady, okay? Hee hee! Here we go! One... two... AACHHH! Hey! What the fuck?! You cut Elmo in the back of the neck with that knife! That tore Elmo's fur and that hurts like a son of a...ACCCHHHH!

"Lady, you still cutting me with knife! Elmo not like you! Elmo not count to 10 with nice lady...ACCHHH!!! ACHHHHH!!!! ACHHHHH!!!!"

Exeunt

An Imagined Conversation.

"Saks Fifth Avenue, Jewelry Section."

"Hi, Theresa. It's Shannon."

"Hi Shannon, what can I do for you?"

"I'm over in Housewares again, and a customer is asking about the Eduardo panini press. And since I know you used to work in this section, I thought I could ask you..."

"Cock and balls."

(pause)

"What?"

"Oh, nothing, Shannon."

"...well anyways, this customer is returning a panini press they got as a wedding gift, but since we no longer sell this model, they're wondering if they can exchange it for the cheaper brand and collect the difference."

"Well, yes. That should be fine, Shannon. All you have to do is void the Eduardo press in their registry and then apply the new price of the big dick and nutsack to the balance."

"Did you just say 'big dick and nutsack?'"

"No, I said 'cheaper panini press.'"

"No, Theresa, I distinctly heard 'big dick and nutsack.' You practically shouted it."

"Gigantic erect penis and scrotum with one testicle larger than the other."

(click)

Spotted at Terget

Pictured above, a CD of Jewel Lullabies, which is pretty fucking redundant if you ask me.

Out of Control!

There are a couple of SFVOSP updates in process right now, please stand by.

(pictured above, the ravages of partying and doing drugs have finally taken their toll on a popular actress)