Here Are Next Week's Conspiracy Theories, Brought To You By Info Wars And Doomsday® Brand Survival Buckets

Alex Jones's staff of white writers are hard at work concocting elaborate explanations why white people aren't doing so well these days, and Alex himself is doing face exercises and mouth stretches to serve that worthless pablum to you as clearly as possible. Here's what's to come:

• Antonia Banderas has been dead for 10 years, and every time you see him in a recent film, it's a different illegal alien who's just crossed the border into Hollywood.

• Bean sprouts on salads make you gay. And hard crust croutons turn you straight again.

• Most men can hide a ping pong ball in the space between their balls and their dick. You should try it sometime.

• Many straight Disney employees are so desperate for a paycheck, they pretend to enjoy Sam Smith and vegan pizza during Gay Day.

• The Ebola virus is simply the mumps rebranded by a San Francisco public relations firm.

• Loretta Lynch is responsible for male pattern baldness, the disappearance of the world's bees, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, fewer mandrill adoptions, the dotcom bubble, the miseducation of Lauryn Hill, the mispronunciation of the word 'nuclear', and the cancellation of "Baskets."

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of June 12

Twitter is just a big, dumb electronic megaphone that any moron can use. But even they have standards. The following are hashtags so unpopular, that maybe a bottom-feeding cockhole like yourself could use them. Go nuts:

#respecttheinjuns

#KraftSinglespasties

#poppinfresh'spenis

#TJMillercomiclegend

#gagmewithahobodick

#ConnectTwofordumbkids

#iscalpedtwoticketstoparadise

#ispankedthemonkeyandthenhebitoffmyface

#doingtheyougotsomethingonyourshirttricktosomeonewhojustlosttheirhealthcare

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Kix Cereal

Hey Kix Cereal, FUCK YOU.


Ever since I was a little kid, Kix Cereal, your box has grabbed my attention with wacky, fun looking lettering and bright colors, promising a fun and sugar-filled Saturday morning. WRONG.

Let me just say that there is NOTHING fun about you as a cereal. Kix is basically Trix with all the coloring and sugar sapped out of it: small, beige round pieces that aren't even big enough to make a satisfying crunch. I'm sure this is the shit they palm off on the Trix Rabbit whenever he comes round Jonesing for the good stuff.


"Kid-Tested, Mother Approved" is the slogan they've been touting for decades. Notice they never said "Kid-Approved" or "Kid-Appreciated." Instead, they "tested" this stuff on kids like they're guinea pigs in some insidious government experiment about the opposite of fun. And for those of you who like your boring with berry taste, try new Berry Berry Kix! It's the same amount of disappointment and ennui-in-a-bowl, but with the faint flavor of berry to further frustrate you!

Kix, go to hell and suck m'balls.

Uncomfy Chair

Our producer Beny attempts to keep it together as she samples the fabled Hula Chair.



For context, here's the original infomercial:



And for some reason you want to buy one, click here.

What I'm Thinking As I'm Riding With A Guy On A Motorcycle

• Is this gay?

• This isn't gay. Straight guys do this all the time.

• Am I holding onto him too tight?

• Am I not holding onto him tight enough?

• Am I holding onto him like I'm being all homophobic about it?

• Man, he's making me hold on tighter every time he guns it.

• I think he wants me to hold on tighter, but he's not telling me.

• Is there a way I can hold on gingerly, without being homophobic?

• Hey, what if I don't hold on at all, is that okay?

• HOLY SHIT, I could have fallen just then.

• I really shouldn't move my hands up and down like that. That's kind of sensual.

• What if a hot chick sees us. That would kind of suck.

• No it wouldn't. I'm being homophobic again. If she were an enlightened, open-minded hot chick then she would see two guys– not necessarily gay– on a motorcycle. Get over yourself.

• Wow, this guy is really ripped. He must do those crossover sit-ups.

• I should have worn a shirt.

(pictured above, a submission by Matt S, who said he was bored today)

A photo from Saturday night.

(pictured above, Dan Donnelly performs at the Stone Street Historical District Oyster Festival while three unknown patrons throw oyster shells at his eyes and finger his girlfriend)