Street.

Pictured above, a leather jacket for someone who either roots for teams from Philadelphia or supermarkets in the southeast United States.

UAG

How Not To Make A State Tourism Ad

If you ever browse through a travel or airline magazine these days, you're bound to see a tourism ad for some random state in the continental U.S. Whether it's nestled in the majestic Appalachian Mountain range or spread out over the bejeweled southwest desert sands, it's probably a state that you hadn't thought of visiting before.

The problem is, even as distinctive as a lot of these states are, their tourism ads are always the same: shitty, stilted stock photos of the same crap every other tourism ad shows. Today, EADJ examines the ingredients that make up a typical tourism ad.

Okay, so here is ad X from an American Airlines in-flight magazine. We pinked out the city and state names so you couldn't call the governor's office and make fun. Notice how the diarrhea orange/brown background color complements and even highlights the unretouched skintones. And the generic photography has been compartmentalized into a neat Bento Box, which is totally American. (Also, sorry about the pube at the top of the page. It was on the scanner.)

(click to enlarge)

Ingredient 1: Generic shopping shot. To show there's boutique-y high-end shopping. Make the shot dynamic with some brand names in the crop. Or not.


Ingredient 2) Them out-of-towners like that fancy nouveau cuisine shit. So a blurry shot of some crap piled up on a tiny plate.


Ingredient 3) Feature our terrifically popular local sports team by showing a roaring crowd at a game!


Ingredient 4) Nightlife. We need nightlife. What does that mean? Beats the hell out of me. Show the shopping area at night?


Ingredient 5) Oh, yeah. We need to feature the natural beauty of the surroundings. We don't really have a geiser or a canyon. Show the lake. Yeah, the one from the crime scene. But put a classy gold frame on it, like from Olan Mills.


Ingredient 6) Booze. Show a bunch of people yakking it up at one of our bars. But not our redneck bars, because that will scare away people. Come to think of it, none of our local bars are presentable for the ad– they all have dead animals on the walls or old men crying. Hell, just show yuppies drinking at the bar at the Hyatt. And throw some colored people in there while you're at it.


Mix in all the ingredients, and you've got yourself a bonafide tourism ad for your shitty flyover state! Now, turn 'round those "OPEN" signs and be ready to accommodate all those travelers who had no choice but to pull over for the night!

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring

Maybe we'll review this crappy movie. Maybe it will take a long time to describe how bad it was. Maybe the combined starpower of Kung Fu and The Flying Nun wasn't enough to save this glowing turd. Maybe the editor overused flashbacks. Maybe this movie didn't really say anything profound about counterculture and just throw hippies in there because it was topical then. Maybe we'll stop all this "maybe" joke horseshit and get on with it.










A transcript of the breakfast scene, verbatim:

Sister: Wow. You look like you've lost 20 lbs.

Sally Field: No, I don't think I've lost that much.

Sister: Well, you still look great.

Sally Field: Thanks...you sure filled out.

Sister: Yeah, I guess so. Well, I'll tell you one thing– I sure feel stuck with this bra. See you got the right idea– who needs it?

Mom: Don't start that again.

Sister: I'm not.

Mom: Her idea of being attractive is going around, bouncing up and down like a cow.

Sister: That's not my idea of being attractive.

Dad: Ladies, please.













Verbatim dialogue of Exterminator 1:

Exterminator 1: I don't understand the world anymore. I mean, I used to understand the world, but I don't anymore. I can't understand a world where people just come up and steal exterminator trucks. I...I don't understand it. I'm going home. I'm going home.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This performance is so incredibly awesome, we are going to do the best we can to rip and post this scene for you soon.

Verbatim flashback voiceover during this scene:

Young Sally Field: Mommy, why don't you and Daddy sleep together anymore at night?

Mom: We do, baby.

Young Sally Field: But you have two beds now when you only had one before. And the one you had before was pretty.
























Maybe reviewing MICHITS was a total waste of time. Maybe we could have spent our time more wisely, like balancing our checkbook or organizing our expense receipts. Maybe it really was all worth it to watch that excellent "Exterminator 1" scene. Yeah, probably.