Let's Discuss The Long-Term Effects Of Fracking On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid (& family!) via snail mail, a belated but precious Christmas ornament for this year's tree:

I believe this makes this entry the first literal mail sack entry.

Sammies!

So this bodega on 44th Street sells these sandwiches with some interesting names.

At first, I thought they were named after award shows:



But then I realized they're just people's names. Cool.



And in case you were wondering...


YES.

Old Joel and The Dick

Joel set out on his trawler early, the morning mist breaking along the front of his boat like cotton along a craggy knife. Once he reached the middle of the bay, Joel cut the motor and limped to the stern.

"Dick, where are you?" Joel muttered to himself as he took a puff from his pipe.

He lowered the anchor and looked out on the bay. Nothing but mist and the echoing sound of geese. He looked down at the stump that used to be his right leg and cursed.

"I'm going to get that big white dick someday," he growled. The boat stopped drifting once the anchor's rope grew taut. The sun had finally peeked out over the east, throwing harpoons of light through the mist and causing Joel to squint his one good eye.

Joel rolled the nets out, one by one, into the grey waters. For weeks now they'd come up with tuna, salmon and the occasional carp, but never with anything for him to eat. Joel was waiting for dick. The big white dick.

To read the rest of this harrowing tale of man versus dick, subscribe today to the Saturday Evening Post.

Pound A Desk, Joel!

Amazon has a new feature that lets you confirm payment of an order by typing a pass-phrase rather than clicking on the "One Click" payment button.

Naturally, I tried to see if I could use a certain phrase for my account.


Dammit. So Amazon generated a series of acceptable or available phrases.


"Pounding Joel's Desk" is off but hilarious.


"Joel's Trousers" is almost as funny as "Peace Jethro"


I like "Striking Joel." A lot.


"Brown Exhaust!" We have a winner!


***UPDATE: I peeked again and found three more winners on the bottom row:


"O'Malley slaps." LOL

This Just In (Joel's Mouth)

Reid tries to get Joel to say the word "dick."

H2Dick

Last Tuesday afternoon, Joel went on a serious hike.

He wanted to take advantage of the nice weather and decided to finally hike the 7 mile trail at Topanga State Park, something he had been meaning to do since he'd moved there in '97.

He packed his own backpack, however, after a little falling out with his chimp servant, Chad Yarborough. They had a disagreement over whether the J. Crew catalogs should be stored in the ottoman or thrown against a tree in the backyard. So Joel being the amateur outdoorsman that he is, he packed more dick than water.

So you can just imagine 4 miles into the hike, Joel started getting really thirsty. He had already squeezed all of the moisture out of the dick he'd packed, and there were no streams or lakes nearby. Joel started to get really desperate.

He collapsed of dehydration at about the 6 mile mark. Rescue workers say that he had made a pillow out of the dick that he had left over (a rarity!) and had lay down to die.

Luckily, someone in the Topanga State Park parking lot had spotted him only steps from the First Aid station and gave him plenty of "G." That's what Gatorade apparently wants you to call it these days.

So Joel turned out fine, hungrily finishing off the dick pillow before jumping in his Rav-4 and heading home to threaten his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with his new switch.

(Pictured above, a bodybuilder's ass resembles the Necronomicon)

Happy Labor Day!

To help with today's festivities, Joel has offered a few Labor Day party tips:

• When hanging Labor Day streamers and balloons, use a higher ladder than necessary so that you can keeping eating dick, also.

• Labor Day decorations like 'Happy Labor Day' banners and dioramas can be found at your local Labor Day Store at the strip mall, over by that place where I eat dick all the time.

• Eat dick

• Shouting "Happy Labor Day" while chowing down dick is often muffled. But people pretty much get the point of what you're saying.

• Some good ideas for Labor Day costumes: "Dick-eater." "Dick-diner." And that's pretty much all I can come up with.

• The annual Labor Day Parade on Main Street is a cherished tradition. Look for me on the float shaped like a dolphin.

• Dick punch is the equivalent of egg nog for Labor Day. No, I mean punch with dick in it, not punching somebody's dick. That's wasting food.

• Some people get depressed this time of year because they're alone. If you're one of these people, throw one of those empowering, defiant "Anti-Labor Day" parties at a local bar. That'll show everyone. Also, eat some dick to make you feel better.

• Eat dick

• Eat dick

• Leave any dick you don't eat for me. I mean, sharing is the true spirit of Columbus Day... I mean Labor Day. Whatever.

Kreppuspilið Again!

Since the date is the 19th AND the moon tonight will be waning crescent, it's time for Joel to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið!

To keep his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak, Joel must be both prepared and flexible. Here at EADJ we offer a few strategies for tonight's exciting game:

• When rolling the Luck Bones, flick slightly with your wrist so that they have a chance to land on "milkshake." You don't want them to land on "pus" again.

• Hold your Kreppuspilið "Power" cards until four rounds in so that your chimp servant Chad Yarborough uses his up to collect all the magpies. Then, when he draws a card, throw down your hand and karate chop his groin!


This should help explain some of these strategies

• If the Domino's Pizza guy shows up while it's your turn, you may force him to take his shirt off and reenact the scene from "Ghost" with you. That's not in the rulebook or anything- just something to try. Insist on being Demi.

• Don't be obsessed with the scoreboard. The best Kreppuspilið players play on instinct, guts, balls, nerve, chutzpah, and a little something called mojo. Unless you're losing.


• Your chimp servant is wily. Don't get up to pee without taking the entire playing board with you into the pee shed. And while we're on the subject, pace yourself when drinking your Ting.

• Move your game piece carefully. The board favors those who are cautious, rewarding the best players with points and punishing the reckless with free tickets to movies starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as two people who hate each other but pretend to be engaged in order to keep their jobs but end up falling in love anyway due to circumstances beyond their control.

• This probably doesn't mean to be said, but eat plenty of dick while playing. When you're undernourished, you tend to be dull and unfocused. Believe us, we've read some of your screenplays. ZING!

• Have fun, Joel!

A Smelly Hole

Earlier this week, Joel was trying to find the source of a terrible stench he had detected in his apartment. He had sent his chimp servant Chad Yarborough out for groceries, so he had to search alone.

Under the sink, behind the bookshelf, nothing. Joel even emptied all the leftovers from the fridge into a large trash bag and hurled it into the dumpster across the parking lot, but the heavy smell was still in the apartment.

Only towards the end of the night, when he was brushing his tongue in the bathroom mirror, did he notice a large chunk of meat that had wedged between his back molars. He flossed it out and the 3 lb. piece of dick fell into the sink. And the bathroom started filling with flies.

So it was Joel's breath all along! He slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand and turned to camera as a sad trombone played.

Kreppuspilið!

Anyone who knows Joel or has read EADJ knows that Joel's second favorite activity is to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið. And Friday night was no exception.

His chimp servant Chad Yarborough was anxious to break Joel's winning streak of 80 straight games and to win back the respect of his fellow chimp servants in the apartment complex. So the opening pleasant chit-chat was dispensed with quickly and they got down to "brass tacks."

Joel rolled a 14 on the 3 rolling dice, landing him squarely on the "A.I.T.A." square. So for the next 6 rounds, Joel had to hold a handful of acorns in his anus. 4 points.

His chimp servant drew a blue "Freestyle" card, so for the next hour, he was allowed to walk along the Santa Monica Promenade and sucker punch pregnant teenagers. 6 points.

Joel's luck didn't change the next round. He had moved his game piece near the "crackle" zone, so he was forced to drink a mug-full of Everclear and call all of his relatives and tell them he was "cracklin' shitfaced." 2 points.

The chimp servant spun the Kreppuspilið spinner, which landed on "Lynn Redgrave." Joel had to wait patiently while the chimp servant watched every movie, short film, and television appearance that the actress Lynn Redgrave had been in, including "Me, Eloise." This turn took 3 weeks.

Joel finally had enough Kreppuspilið cards to collect a "Kreppuspilið" mission card but unfortunately had forgotten to yell "Kreppuspilið!" as outlined by the rules. So another handful of acorns went into his anus. 4 points.

A noisy dog outside had distracted the chimp servant so much that he had rolled a 4 on the pop-up dice. The poor chimp was forced to surrender all his properties and territories to Joel and had to watch Joel loudly stroke one off to release. Rules.

So Joel continues his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak. But like all great Kreppuspilið champions, Joel refuses to gloat and instead devotes 5 hours of his free time delivering a wheelbarrow full of canned goods to cemeteries and screaming "I'm too late! Kreppuspilið!"

조엘은 거시기, 먹어!

(submitted by JOEL HIMSELF from Seoul, Korea)

A Full List of People Who Have Actually Refused To Have Their Dick Eaten By Joel

• John Forsythe, actor

• Ben Kweller, musician

• Salman Rushdie, author

• Berry Gordy, founder of Motown

• ZP Theart, lead singer of fantastic legendary rock group DragonForce

• Ziggy, fictional comic character

• Jake Johannsen, comedian

• Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State

• Bowzer, personality from the television program Sha Na Na

• Several members of The Geek Squad

• The Zodiac Killer

• Larry Page, co-founder of Google

Spotted On the iTunes Store

(click to enlarge)

Joel has his own iPod game, released yesterday!

Selling His Wares

Joel dispensed with the formalities today and opened his own dick-flavored ice cone stand. Now, an ice cone is different from a Sno-Cone® in that it doesn't have shaved ice and sweet flavoring in a paper cone but instead has small round granules of ice with dick-flavoring in a cone shaped like Joel's forearms.

Joel opened shop on the corner of Mullholland and Sepulveda Boulevard, which is a terrible location, seeing how it's in the middle of nowhere. But it was next to one of those kids twirling the shit out of a real estate sign, so there's some kind of audience there.

Joel was actually not selling dick so much as shopping for it. That day, he only sold 2.5 ice cones but met 40 men. He also got to show a couple of his terrible screenplays to a few producers and a Walgreen's greeter. All that free time out there on that mountain also gave Joel the chance to write a new screenplay entitled, "Cross Reference," the coming-of-age story of an aspiring screenwriter who meets a successful producer with long golden locks and a massive chest who looks like Sawyer from "Lost" but who would actually return your phone calls, for crying out loud.

(pictured above, some graffiti that worked!)

Coming Soon: The Rolly Wrap Competition

There's this deli on Lexington & 41st Street that sells something called Rolly Wraps. Now, I've never personally seen one, but it sounds candy-like and a little unsanitary. What we're doing here at EADJ is collecting people's artistic renderings of what they think a rolly wrap looks like, to be judged by Toucan Cleric's Fun's own Larry K, who has seen one in person. He will judge the most accurate and/or most interesting drawings and EADJ will reward that person with something of value. Maybe even an all-expenses trip to the Rolly Wrap deli.

Please send all Rolly Wrap drawing or Photoshop submissions to destoye@mac.com under the subject line "Rolly Wrap." Judging will be on Wednesday, August 27 at 3pm. There is no other significance to that date.

Official Rules:
•Drawing must be smaller than 8.5 x 11" using any materials
•No cheating. You cannot trace an actual Rolly Wrap
•Video or audio submissions will not be returned
•Drawings of penises will not count, Joel

Good luck to everyone who submits!

Joel's On a Tear!

And just when you thought Joel's dick-eating adventures had plateaued.

While standing in line for the new 3G iPhone– which is really odd seeing how there aren't lines anymore– Joel took the opportunity to eat the dicks of all the Mac employees, customers, and camera crew members out on the plaza at the Santa Monica Open Air Bullshit Promenade. Joel's rapid-fire technique allowed him to eat six times as much dick as the Apple Store could sell iPhones. Melanie Griffith even marveled at Joel while striding in to buy a "pink iPhone."

Unfortunately, in his haste, Joel accidentally ate someone's iPhone. The poor Apple customer had no chance to retrieve the expensive item, for Joel had already chased it down with eight more ding dongs. The guy will have to wait till sometime tomorrow morning to retrieve his new iPhone and make calls with it.

(pictured above, hopefully a mostly-online realtor in Brooklyn)

An Eco-pportunity

The rise of biofuels as an alternative to petroleum is changing the economic landscape, as well as creating new demand in areas heretofore overlooked. One major untapped market: Joel's ass.

It's been known for a while that Joel gobbles a sweet ton of dick. The sheer quantity of dick is already a viable source of energy. But imagine all that dick concentrated in Joel's bowels into one brick. That brick can power the next 40 Space Shuttle missions!


This would lead not only to America's independence from foreign oil but to a whole new way to power the planet. Joel would continue to eat dick, but we could harness that energy into an endless supply of energy for schools, water pumps, complicated cantilevers, and dick-powered blunderbusses! A new highly-concentrated measure of energy, the "Joelturd," (Jt), or "J-Brick," could be used to advance civilization!

And Joel could make like, a hundred bucks!

That Jerky is NOT Jewish.

I opened some low-fat jerky yesterday and realized I was about to turn into Joel:

Some Vicious Rumors About Joel That Must Be Quelled

• That he does not eat dick
• That this blog is all in good fun
• That Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarboro is in fact, a small person in a suit
• That Joel rushed Rod Stewart to the emergency room one night to get his stomach pumped
• That Joel rushed Richard Gere to the emergency room to get X-rays
• That most of Joel's earnings come from his African folk art store
• That Joel is not really Hispanic and his show "Mind of Joel" is extremely unfunny
• That Joel's famous "400 Techniques For Eating Dick" are actually 389 with 11 variations on #12
• That Joel is extremely angry with me for not lending him a really nice tray I got from Crate & Barrel because I knew he was going to use it to serve dick on
• That Joel eating the dick of a guy named Dick counts as 2

(pictured above, a recent shot from Pathmark, a bit we don't do anymore because the security guard woman threatened to kick me out if she saw me taking pictures in there again)

Let's Recommend the Movie "Jumper" to the EADJ Mail Sack and Laugh When They Realize It's a Terrible Movie!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein:

"Eat a lighthouse, Joel!"



And also submitted by Mel:


"I’m not sure but I think I accidentally just came across John Carstens' twin."