We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs What Are The Best Soccer Leagues In the World

"Ah, good question! Lots of futbol fans worldwide are wondering which are currently the highest ranked clubs. Lots of people I've spoken to lately have asked me that exact question."

"So without... ouch further ado, uh, here are the... f...five...top global soccer, uh, leagues according to (gah)... according to Opta / global rankings:"

1) English Premier League (England)

With an unmatched global re... cough... reach, ouch. I can't... massive financial power, high, uh, intensity, and a deep GAAKKKK talent pool... the English Premier League ranks at the very top. 

2) Serie A... Ahhhhh (Italy)

Transformed *wheeze* from a strictly defen... I can't breathe... defensive league... into one of... into one of Europe's most... OW OW OW OW OW OW... competitive title races with multiple rotating champions... get your heel out of my...  such as Inter Milan, AC Milan, Juventus, or... goddammit...Napoli.

3) Bundesliga (Ger... hey stop... Germany)

Known for their high-scoring matches and intense offensive play... Bundesliga boasts the most... *snaps neck, dies*

UAG

And Now For the FIFA World Cup Update by Cement Bird

Cement bird, as some of you might recall, can only communicate via shitty FWD emails.

---------- Forwarded by ernie : Luisa Chua

Fire Prevention!



House Fires!

Received from a friend who is in the property Insurance business. It
is well worth reading. This is One of those emails that if you didn't
send it, rest assured someone on your list will suffer for not reading
it. The original message was written by a lady whose brother and his
wife learned a hard lesson this past week.

Their house burned down and there was nothing left but ashes. They have good
insurance so the house will be replaced and most of the contents. That
is the good news. However, they were sick when they found out the
cause of the fire. The insurance investigator sifted through the ashes
for several hours. He had the cause of the fire traced to the master
bathroom. He asked her sister-in-law What she had plugged in the
bathroom. She listed the normal things....curling iron, blow dryer. He
kept saying to her, "No, this would be something that would
disintegrate at high temperatures". Then her sister-in-law remembered
she had a Glade Plug-In, in the bathroom.

The investigator had one of those "Aha" moments. He said that was the
cause of the fire. He said he has seen more house fires started with
the plug-in type room fresheners than anything else. He said the
plastic they are made from is THIN plastic. He also said that in every
case there was nothing left to prove that it even existed.
When the investigator looked in the wall plug, the two prongs left
from the plug-in were still in there. Her sister-in-law had one of the
plug-ins that had a small night light built in it. She said she had
noticed that the light would dim and then finally go out. She would
walk into the bathroom a few hours later, and the light would be back
on again. The investigator said that the unit was getting too hot, and
would dim and go out rather than just blow the light bulb. Once it
cooled down it would come back on.

That is a warning sign . The investigator said he personally wouldn't
have any type of plug in fragrance device anywhere in his house. He
has seen too many places that have been burned down due to them.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO PEOPLE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK NOT ONLY COULD IT
SAVE SOMEONE'S HOUSE, BUT IT COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE!

>>>>>>>>>

you gotta read this... lol............... 

Trying to flush . .

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

---

Bring words and photos together (easily) with
PhotoMail - it's free and works with your Yahoo! Mail.

UAG

Delightful!

Spotted on the NJ Transit train this morning, a man absolutely exhilarated by the Lifestyle section of the paper.





Bravo, Garfield! Good show!

Hey, What The

Spotted at a specialty tile store in Jersey (don't ask), a children's soccer school's display, which looks normal at first...


...until you realize that the designer sneaked in some random dude's head onto one of the children:



I'm assuming that guy is either the designer's friend or sworn enemy.

What A Wedding DJ Would Say If He Somehow Showed Up To the Gig With Nothing To Play But The Cannibal Corpse CD "Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony"

"Uh, Janet and Craig? Ha ha. Hey listen, uh, congratulations first of all, and secondly, uh, I hate to be the bringer of bad news at this time, but I seem to have forgotten to load up any music onto my laptop or in my crates in my rush to get here on time. And I realize the reception will be starting in ten minutes.

"Yeah, I don't have any music. None. Just this one CD that my nephew Josh left in the van two days ago– 'Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony' by this band called Cannibal Corpse. Josh really likes that band. You could say he's going through 'a phase,' ha ha ha.

"But listen... this is not a bad thing. All that planning of tracks and intros that we made over the last four months? I think I can pull it off with this one CD. Believe me, folks. I'm pretty good in a pinch. I really believe I can make this work. They don't call me 'The Jazzy Jeff of Poughkeepsie' for nothing! Ha ha ha.

"No, look. It will be okay, really, Janet. For example, during the cocktail hour, instead of playing old standards by Sinatra and Duke Ellington, I've been playing the track 'Vomit The Soul (Live)' on a loop for the past hour. The live track's crowd noise seems to have kept a certain energy going, as you can see- almost everyone has scrambled to the bar on the far end of the banquet hall. So it's working, see?

"Okay, so for when your bridal party comes out, instead of playing 'That's What Friends Are For,' we're going with 'Unleashing The Bloodthirsty.' Then when the parents come out, I'm going to play Cannibal Corpse's cover of the Metallica song 'No Remorse.' To show they don't regret you two marrying, see? Ha ha ha.

"Okay, Janet, I see you're getting really upset, but I assure you both, I've thought this all through for the last 20 minutes, and I've figured it all out. Relax.

"For the Father-daughter dance, I thought the track 'A Skull Full Of Maggots' could work. No, Janet? You're right- the melody is probably too uptempo for a waltz... Tell you what- we'll go with 'Hammer Smashed Face' instead.

"Of corpse...Whoops! Freudian slip there, ha ha!" Of course I've also thought of the Groom-and-Mother dance. Craig, you and your mother will dance to 'Stripped Raped And Strangled.'

"Now for the smaller details: the bouquet tossing event, which was going to use that Beyonce track 'Single Ladies,' will instead be accompanied with 'I Will Kill You.' And for the racy removing-the-bride's-garter portion, we'll be going with 'Meathook Sodomy.' I was thinking, the cake cutting ceremony would be great with Cannibal Corpse's 'Fucked With A Knife.'

"And since I have you both here, I was wondering if you could pay me the balance of $200 for my services? I know now's not the perfect time, but I know how busy you're going to be tonight, right? Ha ha."

Well, Lookee Here- Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup!

Well, apparently the EADJ filing system needs improvement, because we just happened upon a folder of enough off brand T.P. photos to rustle together an actual entry. Go figure.


Off Brand Name: Renew
Graphic/Design on Label: Leaves (very telling of the texture)
Type of Sears Tool It Feels Like When Wiping With: Craftsman belt sander


Off Brand Name: Renature Bathroom Tissue (get it?)
Graphic/Design on Label: Maple leaf border surrounding a sketch of a pine tree that looks like it was drawn by someone sticking a Sharpie up their ass.
Which of the Seven Dwarves This T.P. Would Be: Grumpy


Off Brand Name: Genuine Joe Bath Absorbent Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Abstract janitor-looking guy with a red spray bottle(?!?!??!)
Breed of Cat That Would Appreciate This Paper: Cornish Rex


Off Brand Name: 'S' Quality Bathroom Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Big Blue 'S'
Physical Characteristics of Someone After Using This Paper Big Blue 'S'

Brand Casualizing

In an attempt to be more accessible to consumers, lots of brands are making their handle abbreviated and less formal. This could possibly be traced to today's texting and tweeting culture, or you could attribute the trend to TRL, KFC, SNL or J-Lo.



Regardless, this shortening trend is not going away soon. Here are some upcoming brand makeovers:

• Chipotle will now be known as "Chipoat" without the annoying "lay"
• Leona Lewis will strip down to an outfit made only of white straps and rename herself "Leeloo"
• Dave will get rid of Buster, who was always the dumb one anyway
• Nokia will shorten their name to "Kia." No, wait a minute...
• Del Taco restaurants will close
• Oil of Olay will be shorted to Oilay
• Duracell will be changed to "The Dure," cuz that's all awesome and totally sweet
• Oprah's "O" Magazine will be halved into a "C"
• The band "Daughtry" will actually lengthen their name to "Wildebeest Assholes Grinding On Your Dad's Cock If You Listen To This Music You Fucking Tool Jagoff"

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With Soccer Goalkeeping Basics

Unlike all other positions on a soccer team, where anticipation and proaction are necessary, soccer goalkeepers must react. Goalkeepers must wait to know where the shot is going, then react appropriately as fast as possible. That is why improving reaction speed and reflex speed is so critical. After knowing where the ball is going, the soccer goalkeeper must anticipate where the ball will end up in order to time the dive and body positions accordingly. First, make sure you get your body behind the ball as fast as possible. Not any part of the body, but soft muscle tissue. This will prevent rebounds. For instance, getting your quads (upper thigh) behind the ball while picking up or saving a low shot is safer than getting your shin or knee behind it. That's why a quick drop is important. Second, while you need to attack the ball, at the time of contact you need to relax your hands and body just a bit, to the point of slightly retracting. A good practice exercise is to have a couple of soccer goalies play catch with raw eggs. Throw the egg a little short of the body forcing the goalie to step into the throw, i.e. attacking the egg. At the last second, the goalie will relax the body to avoid breaking the egg. Same is true for shots. The coach may choose to bring hard boiled eggs and tell the goalies they are raw eggs, just to avoid a mess the first time around.

Which reminds me: never let a fare eat scrambled eggs in your car. This one time in Connecticut I was driving a lawyer to a morning deposition, and he let a whole plateful of breakfast leak into my renovated buckskin interior. Some people are real bums.

Spraychel For President

The makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Spray have launched a new ad campaign revealing Spraychel, a peppy young Cartoon-American who is now running for President.

Spraychel campaign workers, however, have already characterized her as a domineering bitch who micromanages and fires at a whim. More on this developing story later.

Fresh.

Yesterday, Joel farted into a Ziploc bag to see if it would keep.

It did.

(pictured above, Tom W prepares himself for 40 days and 40 nights of ankle flooding)

Possibly a New EADJ Feature: JERFIELD!

We took word balloons from the character Jon in "Garfield" and put them on Jerald Johnson's photo. The results so far have been spectacular.

(click to enlarge)



Works with "Andy Capp" and "Peanuts" word balloons, too!

Brooklyn can be annoying.

Certain parts of Brooklyn, most notably Park Slope, Williamsburg, and Cobble Hill are doing everything they can to pussify New York's coolest borough. If you walk along Fifth Avenue, Carroll Street or Bedford Avenue, you'll see a dizzying array of infuriating boutique shops. All with cutesy, "creative" and often vague names so there's no telling what business they're in. Not many of their signs are set in Curlz MT, but they might as well be.


Bird. 220 Smith Street.

Bird. Pet store, right? Wrong!

"Featuring women's apparel, shoes and accessories by up-and coming designers from New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Scandinavia, and Japan."

Possible explanation: "Funny story, really. Margaret here earned the nickname 'Bird' last summer because she would flit about with her badminton racquet at our place in the Hamptons. She always wanted to open a nice, unique place that sells more stylish rayon scarves since our honeymoon in Scandinavia."

Antidote: Parking illegally in front of the store, blaring The Beastie Boys' "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" five times straight.


Jumelle. 148 Bedford Avenue.

French restaurant? Fragrance store? Wrong!

"Jumelle features all that is covetable in women's clothing and accessories. The well-edited collection can be described as eclectic elegance, integrating modern, classic and timeless styles."

"Covetable?" "Well-edited collecton?" Oh, do shut the fuck up. Oh, and "jumelle" means twin in French? Slap.

Antidote: Standing outside the store, wearing a Dodgers-type jersey with "Crooklyn" on it, drunk.


ylli. 482 Driggs Ave.

Llyli? Yilli? Gigli?

Fuckin' rylly annoying.

"Chic and exclusive men's & women's clothing, jeans, accessories & handbags from emerging and local designers. Now offering shoes by Archangela and Children's wear by Yellow Monkey."

Antidote: Spreading a rumor "Ylli" means "Satan's Magnificent Scrotum." Fundamentalists will be picketing the store my morning.

And there are so many vague, pussy businesses like this:


You know what kind of pizza place I like? The kind that has PIZZA in big red letters out front. And when the phone rings, the guy picks up the phone and says "Pizza place." And the pizza usually sucks, but that shit is awesome.

Next steps: Encourage more businesses like these that don't hide behind hi-falootin' watercolored logos:


Vote with your dollars, Brooklyn!