An Imagined Conversation

"Sir, are we finally ready to relaunch our Lasagna with Meat & Sauce?"

"Maybe, Danny. This last four weeks have been tough on the development team, I know. Lots of late nights. Conference room arguments. And some team members have spent the night here multiple nights. But it's important that we satisfy the Lasagna With Meat Sauce Standard after that last lasagna audit. See, when the Lasagna With Meat Sauce Board informed us that the amount of meat in our lasagna didn't satisfy their rigorous standard, I felt like I had let you—I let the entire Stouffer's family—down. So I made the decision to come back to the L.W.M.S.B. with nothing but the very best lasagna and told you all to DOUBLE THE MEAT. You remember that?"

"Yes."

"I know it was a crazy move, but I knew that we could only hope to satisfy the Lasagna With Meat Sauce standard if we doubled the meat. Sure, lots of lasagna companies would just add 10% or 20% more meat, but Stouffer's wouldn't be where it is today by being timid with their meat decisions. We can't afford another round or two of meat proportion negotiations. So 200% it is. Let's just pray it's enough, Danny."

"God help us."

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Timesheets, Week of 8/9/19

>> Hello. This is Betty, your office's new AI reception bot. Hello!

>> As this is FRIDAY, AUGUST 9, it is now time to start filling in your timesheets. 

>> Enclosed is a list of the job numbers you are REQUIRED to use to submit. Did you know you can tell a lot about an elephant by looking at their tusks! Elephant tusks never stop growing, so enormous tusks can be a sign of an old elephant!

>> Fill in your TIMESHEETS. It's going to be a great day!

48881- Rationing insulin

94193- Pulling too soon on the grocery receipt printer so it breaks

08124- Blaming domestic violence on Punch 'n Judy puppet shows

31992- Putting Threepio back together

64922- Hitting a homer for the kid in the hospital

64923- Hitting a grounder for the less-deserving kid in the hospital

64924- Hitting a sinker for the uninsured kid

54656- Playing through

64925- Striking out for the kid who was faking their injuries

32208- Blaming it on the rain

57355- Taking your date to the Redbox for a movie

84403- Making up a job number and hoping it works

01999- Party like it's

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

I feel ya, Young Chop. At the pool, everybody asks you to do a cannonball.

Def Leppard font, check. Miniature booty girls, check. Throne from old 1980 Buck Rogers episode "Ardala Returns," check.

Nothing flat here, amirite?

I'm so confused by this that it makes me want to lie down and think about why I've been blogging for over a decade. Okay, pass. PASS.

Two bucks says there's gunshot sound effects between and during every track on this.

Put a cowboy hat and some Daisy Dukes on her, and you've got a honky tonk chart topper there.

I appreciate the Snoop Dogg "Doggystyle" homage more than the obvious Trump-bashing, actually.

Not sure why rappers are still referencing a cartoon that was started IN 1989, but they continue to do so. Maybe it's because Bart's so easy to draw?

Ah, finally, a borrowed reference from a Fox cartoon started more recently, like 1997.

Actual exchange with an Amazon Echo:

"Alexa, play Icytwat."

"That's so nice. Just tell me what you'd like me to do, and I'll try to help."

T-Wayne? Twayne? Tayne?

EADJ New York Fashion Corner

It's see-through leggings over a thong that can really ruin the look of a tanktop/bra strap combo.


Note: If someone who's never met you can pick you out of a crowd just from the description "match-matchy dandy," you're doing something wrong.


Worst witness protection program ever.


Gareth was thinking two things:
1) Do I want a large or medium Pepsi?
2) What are the chances of my penis fitting inside a horseshoe crab?


See, even white boys can be idiot thugs, too.


Look, if you insist on telling the world how much you love weed, don't be surprised if you get your shit searched by cops at every turnstile.


That's not mesh; it just used to be a medium sweater.


If you paid full price for a bra, you better damn well show it off by wearing one of those vented blouses with holes in the back.

NOTE: That just might be a nursing blouse on backwards. Who knows.


Boots have shoelaces. Collar shirts have buttons. So you can't possibly be expected to also work a fly zipper and a belt buckle ON THE SAME DAY.


It's odd how out of place you look with a fez when you're not driving a miniature car.


Best witness protection program ever.


♪ Dance your cares away (clap clap)
Worry's for another day
Let the music play(clap clap)
Down in Fraggle Rock ♫

The Dickside Chats, Part Five (Final Installment)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel had asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his ruminations, porridge, and general pterodactyls on this eponymous blog. This was part five– and the final installment– of a very Shuwetty, very palindromic series:

Joel: (continued from the part four) If anyone can find my original website, I'll be eternally grateful. I can't remember what I called the damned thing. It's not davidsbiblepagesarestucktogether.blogspot.com. I checked that one.

Andrew: Don't get testy there, Joelenator. I know you were the first. And I believe I was the one who brought to attention actual text from the page, and I quote: "yeah yeah David oh yeah." For goodness sakes, if we could only locate this decaying corpse of a blog and resurrect it. I'd give my left ring finger for that. Alright Joel, you've been a pretty good sport with this whole thing. Let's do some word association to close things out, shall we? I'll say a word, then you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready? Go.

Dick.

Joel: David.

Andrew: Chad Yarbrough.

Joel: amuse bouche

Andrew: Tyanna.

Joel: Dick in Russian?

Andrew: Watch.

Joel: Noel's amuse bouche?

Andrew: Walrus.

Joel: Cock ooh ka chew?

Andrew: Farts.

Joel: Get away from my food?

Andrew: Frats.

Joel: The lack of vagina is nice though. Like a chinese food place with no MSG.

Andrew: Cam'ron.

Joel: ar' you trying to be a pirat'?

Andrew: Freaknik.

Joel: I lived in atlanta. Good times. Good times.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad fashions a comfortable safety belt strap from a golf towel as he drives through rugged and hilly Nebraska)

Word Up Your Arse

Nicknames for everyone!

Inspired by the President's penchant for handing out unwanted nicknames, Joel started dispensing his own to those around him:

His Long's Drugs pharmacist is now known as "Janky."

The dude with the big nose at the barber shop will hereforth be known as "Sunnuvagun."

His chimp servant will now answer to "Chad Yarborough." Why? No reason!

The cops that raped him that time will be called "Pushy and Penetrate-y."

Mr. Durwin, his neighbor from downstairs who accidentally killed his wife by running over her, will be labeled "The Widower-Maker." Janky!

And finally, every random dick that Joel eats he now calls either "Brad Harvey" or "Mel Kreilein." Why, Joel?

(pictured above, proof that Ponte Fresco hasn't made a heap of difference in the overall weight of 225 N Michigan residents)