More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Sorry. AAA can't go to you in that area."

"Hey, Used Tampon, why the long face?"

"I guess that opens up the seating arrangement at the reception." 

"I hope we enjoy this magical adventure we've shared once we stop tripping balls."

"I, Claude Monet, do solemnly swear to paint the shit out of some waterlilies."

"Gee, since I'll never get over her and you'll never get over him, what do you say we just hang out and masturbate each other?"

"Then later in the 90s, videogames proved to be no match for the written word."

[Quickly dated pop culture reference that only parents will get]

"As a seafood enthusiast, I gotta say I'm majorly psyched about this! (puts on lobster bib)

(translated from the German) "Oh no! What crazy comedic situation have you forced me into without my knowledge! Oh noooooo!"

"Wassup, bitches. Yo, seeing how this is a feature film and not that shit on TV, I can say whatever the fuck I want now. Fuck all y'all. Bring on the hoes!"

From The Studio That Brought You "Battleship" and "He's Just Not That Into You:" "FLEX BELT 3D"

Now that Hollywood is completely out of ideas, having based entire movies on lines of toys and scraps of paper left in Philip K. Dick's bottom drawer, the idea of turning to the pages of the latest issue of SkyMall was a natural next step. 

Paramount Pictures and Universal Studios is proud to present "FLEX BELT 3D" starring Denise Richards, Lisa Rinna, Adrianne Curry and Some Muscled Douche With A Disturbingly Huge Forehead.

T.E.A.M. FLEX BELT is the newest superhero team adaptation- the story of three fairly recognizable C-level celebrities who don magical belts to transform into crime fighting C-level celebrities.

SEE them block the exit to a bank with their hands on their hips to stop a heist!

HEAR the unpleasant velcro sound the belts make when they take them off!

FEEL that one guy's massive forehead- I swear you could balance a keg on it!

Denise Richards stars as Becky Crampon, a sociologist/genetic scientist who uses her tightened abs to defeat ignorance and uninformed hearsay! 

Adrianne Curry stars as Maximillia Kegel, a brassy spitfire Valedictorian from Harvard who bounces at the local bar but wants to clean up the crime of her beloved city with the power of her bleached, shiny taint!

Lisa Rinna stars as Capt. Matrona Cosmeticia, a surgically-altered empath who can read your mind and create powerful forcefields of obscurity around her!

Brian Wade's forehead stars as the front receptionist's desk at T.E.A.M. FLEXBELT'S headquarters. Seriously. Look at that forehead. Banksy could do a mural on that thing.

(click to enlarge the newly released one sheet)

Hell, I'd see that movie.

Strait Trippin'

We had to use a prop straitjacket (yes, a lot of people spell it 'straight jacket,' but they're wrong) for a work presentation (don't ask), and for only $24.99, you get this pretty convincing, wearable straitjacket, starring Joe Baran on the cover.




And of course, the lawyers for Franco Inc. wouldn't let them sell the jacket without a printed warning:


I don't really understand why you can't wear it while sleeping, but whatever. Not wearing it while crossing the street sort of makes sense. And sure, swimming with one on should only be done by Houdini. But driving?! What kind of person would drive with that stupid thing on? I'll tell you who– a raving maniac who needs to be institutionalized.

Also, eating and drinking? "Good God, man, you'll starve to death that way!"

Mandatory Crappinema Follow-Up

"So, you saw 'Dead Awake' twice. Was it better the second time?"

"No. It was somehow exactly as bad as the first time. I really don't want to talk about it."

"Was it at least better than 'Da Station' but worse than 'Playin' For The Kitty?'"

"Sure."

More entries from Brad Harvey's notebook!

The following are entries in Brad Harvey's notebook/journal. EADJ got their hands on it when Brad got up to take a dump in The Caribou Coffee on Michigan Ave. Employees reported later that he forgot to flush.

• New idea for reality show: film a bunch of people living together and generally just bitching about stupid shit. Tentative title: Remnants of the Coccyx

• Finish that ear of corn behind the futon

• What was the name of that guy who played B.A. Baracus in "The A Team?" Gotta go to the library and look it up...

• I should totally buy the domain http://http://.com! I could make like a hundred dollars!!

• Start using inverted parentheses, just to be different!

• Remember Wesley Snipes' words of advice about who to bet on next time I'm at the roulette table at The Grand Victoria Riverboat Casino on the scenic Fox River, just east of Route 31 in Elgin.

• Confront Ryan about those farting parties he keeps throwing in my cube. No, wait. That's ME! )Confront Ryan anyway(

• Return that pretty girl's neck brace. She probably needs it.

• Fried chicken and okra! That's the best!

• Ask doctor why pee is green and gravy-like lately

• Get LAID!!! )stop by ATM first(

Let's Flick the Helmet Shaped Tip of the EADJ Mail Sack

In typical Joe Baran fashion, the following entry was submitted by him on Thursday, May 10, a mere five months after it was originally posted.


Hillarious! -Joe

Flea market, Montgomery! It's just like, it's just like, a minidick.

Joel spent President's Day tooling around the house scratching his now-defined pecs.

Later in the afternoon, neighbors in the complex complained of the smell when Joel decided to try grilling bologna and dick with vinegar on his porch. Noise complaints were also filed when Joel started cranking his Saigon Kick albums. Joel almost got arrested when he refused to turn it down until the last verse of "Spanish Rain" was done. Police, as usual, let him off with a stern warning.

Mrs. Betterham next door tried to start a conversation with him about her favorite soap, "Wicked Wicked Games." Either social awkwardness or painful memories of the botched screenplay prevented Joel from engaging with her. He instead stared at her pale, pendulous breasts hanging low in front of her belly, swaying lazily every time she shifted weight onto another foot. He asked her if she had a son or nephew nearby. Or anyone with dick.

Joel spent the rest of the day alone.

(pictured above, Joe Baran provides a visual balance to his incandescent forehead)