UAG

Somehow, Some Way, Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue

Label: Strange green velvet stolen from the hair salon in Oz.

Feels Like: Being entered by the Scarecrow.

Brand: Gigantic silent label-less spool

Label: None. It just stares at you like it understands your soul.

Feels Like: The end of "2001: A Space Odyssey," but on your asshole.

Brand: Embassy

Label: "Classy" marbleized texture with some stately block letters.

Feels Like: You're not going to find asylum here.

Brand: Terrifying waxy orange no-name

Label: Blank, waxy orange paper that smells vaguely of a seance.

Feels Like: Wiping with ectoplasm, if ectoplasm were cheaply manufactured and rough on your bunghole.

Brand: Target "Up & Up" Bath Tissue

Label: An optimistic red arrow points at some cotton plants on the moon.

Feels Like: A thong made of brambles and retail coupons.

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BONUS DISCUSSION: Mor-Soft 500 Vs. Mor-Soft 1000: Which One Is Right For You?

By now, most of you have encountered the wildly famous Mor-Soft 500 brand toilet paper when taking a dump at a strip club or a AAA hockey game, but did you know that there is also the Mor-Soft 1000 brand toilet paper, by the same manufacturer? This special section is designed to help you choose which of these is right for you.

• Do you have to poop?

            ✓ Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

• Do you have Arithmophobia, the fear of numbers?

               Mor-Soft 500

              Mor-Soft 1000

• Does your ass prefer even numbers?

            ✓ Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

• Does 1000 feel really excessive, when 500 will do?

           ✓  Mor-Soft 500

               Mor-Soft 1000

• Does 500 just not do it for you, but 1000 really finishes the job?

               Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

Feel free to clip out this handy guide and put it in your wallet! Preparation is key.

I Gotta Stop Picking Up Random Magazines.

Spotted in the April issue of New York Resident Magazine (what?!), an ad for the PetzLife line of oral care products. It so many bad design decisions that I have to slow the car down just to watch.

(click to enlarge)


First off, slapping some clipart human grins onto a miserable looking dog and cat and making them the main visual in the ad would be enough for me to fire the designer.


But apparently, the client liked the visual so much, they slapped it on the QR code:


Then there's the burlap background, the hideous insets of stained pet teeth, the small, dull product shots, the 7 Oral Problems they just made up on the spot, the twenty typefaces they used, the sickly green hue on all the photography, and the microscopic 'how to use' section.


If that weren't enough, they fence off a section at the bottom for some anxiety-relieving drops. "Works great for thunderstorms and fireworks!" Which actually sounds like a good idea, since pets are terrified of those noises. But if you're going to force feed them some liquid to calm them down, why not just use cough syrup or booze?


A 4.5 oz. bottle of those drops goes for 24 bucks, by the way. Yeesh. A 1.75L of Smirnoff Vodka, however, goes for only $17. Just sayin.

An IM Convo

I enjoy the use of whitespace.

Smell My Pink Thing.

(No, actually that's not the title I wanted to use for this entry. But I'll keep it there anyway.)


So for Christmas I bought Barry a World of Warcraft calendar, which is pretty awesome, if I may say so. But one thing I noticed about it: to the uninitiated, it looks like no matter what powers you possess, weapons you wield, level you've achieved or which mount you ride– shoulder protection is the number one priority for EVERYONE.

Joanne Versus the Claw, Part II

Here is the previous entry covering the ongoing conflict.

In A World...

One way to get around writing a clever tagline for a movie poster is to just go vague:

"Every war has a beginning."

"Freedom begins with an act of defiance."

What a cop out. Shit is interchangeable. You could swap the taglines for the two movies and no one would notice. "In space, nobody can hear you scream." Now that's a friggin' tagline that is ownable. Some suggestions for new taglines:


Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

"Some people are dog people."

"Teeth. Claws. Paws. War."

"This time, everyone's going for the jugular."

"They're taking their shots. AT EACH OTHER."


Defiance

"Explosions! (And history)"

"They forced the Jews to rough it. And they HATE that."

"You don't need to be a hokey archaeologist to kick Nazi ass."

"They fought a tyranny just like the Ewoks fought the Imperials on the forest moon of Endor, except more historically."

Meanwhile, mere moments after the hydrogen bomb hit the Bosnian sewage treatment plant...

Weekend update: Feeding frenzy--the dick that wasn’t there.

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, today's entry has been submitted by Andrew Gall– for real this time)

This Sunday, per usual, Joel’s dick-eating knew no bounds. It started out innocently enough, with Joel gobbling a little Saturday morning meatstick in the shower, followed by a special late lunch smorgasbord of schlong at the Ivy, complete with a bevy of Cajun spices. Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Joel stepped out of his house for dinner. With seven dicks already under his ever-expanding belt, it seems as if Joel, in his haste to munch member, mistook a nearby street side sculpture of John Wayne as another cock to crunch. Chipping three of his front molars, Joel was rushed to Richard Haber, DDS, a top Santa Monica-area cosmetic dentist, to make things right again. Joel was then given a grape popsicle and sent home in one piece. Crisis averted.

(pictured above: Vince Soliven attempts to become less brown, fails.)