Dear YouTube Algorithm,

 Dude, I thought you knew me? You got me wroooooooooooooong.

EADJ Calls Bullshit

Spotted at a children's birthday party joint: "TENNIS Champion."

BULLSHIT. Kid looks what, 5 months old? She's sitting up— maybe by herself— so she's somewhere between 4 and 7 months. So to be able to even hold the lightest carbon tennis racquet would take strength and coordination that SHE DOES NOT YET POSSESS.

Let's not even get into the fact that she cannot walk yet, so how is she supposed to crawl quickly to the other side of a (assumedly regulation-size) tennis court to even return the ball?

Well, maybe if the other players in the championship are also dribbling infants. Maybe she could beat them all 40/love if they were incoherent or asleep or crying about being left in the middle of a tennis court in the heat. But that would still require her to be able to successfully serve the ball over the net about 4 times a game, assuming the others who were serving wouldn't be able to.

Okay, so maybe she won all the games where she wasn't serving, and that was enough for her to win the infant tennis championship. But she is no fucking tennis champion by any stretch of the imagination.

Let's not go crazy here. Fucking bullshit is what it is.

Dear Taco Bell, Samsung, Pioneer Stereo, Kia Motors, KFC, Miracle Whip, Skechers, Speed Stick, Boost Mobile, Fructis Shampoo, Ray Ban, JC Penney, Bridgestone Tires, Fandango and The Arizona Tourism Board:

It's 2012 (soon to be 2013), guys. Can we cut the crap with showing a group of young people riding around in a convertible as a symbol of "good times" and "freedom?" And not just any group of happy young people- a specifically multi-cultural group of happy young people. It is a tired, hackneyed cliché that needs to drive over the Grand Canyon wearing kerchiefs and holding hands. 

Now, what using this cliché in your commercials tells me is that not only are you unimaginative as an advertiser, you have such fear of offending anyone that you create this utopian bullshit peace-on-earth focus-group-generated gang of freshly-scrubbed teenagers, something I have yet to witness in my lifetime. It's actually more racist when you think about it. "Hey! Look how well the Asian guy gets along with the girl who's half black/half white!"

Also, a convertible? Every fucking time? I realize it makes it easier to shoot the entire group, but it's so weird to see something on TV so often THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Well, maybe in Santa Monica.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

You could almost take any of these stock photos, slap a random logo on it, and it would look like something you'd see on TV. That's a good idea. Let's try that now:

Man, advertising is easy.

Coming Soon: The Soft Nougat Of Montelimar

Towering over the crumbled wasteland of processed snacks and inorganic foodstuffs stands the noble, the mighty, the golden Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

[Play this music while reading on]



O Grandiloquent,
O Vaunted,
O Most High Soft Nougat

Upon The Bounteous Peaks of Montelimar
Ye Standeth as a Clarion Beacon
Bearing witness to the mortal struggles of the lowly chemical snacks
The foul, superficial brittleness of the crisp
The vulgar impurity of the milk chocolate
The base, waxy peanuttiness of the peanut butter wafer
All lie as mere dirt between the toes of servants to the Most Pure Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

With Honey of Lavendar
And Misspelled Glucose Syrop
Thy bounty showers forth in a Vanilla Aroma most Natural

Sending forth the sensations of taste in a combination unseen heretofore!
Laying to waste and dust generations of inferior apéritifs!

IT IS A PRODUCT OF FRANCE.

Bow before the Nougat, unworthy Pringle!
Bow before the Nougat, undeserving Chiclet!
Bow before your Master, Bite-Sized Pretzel!
Bow before your King, all ye inferior snacks, both salty and sweet!

BOW BEFORE THE EXALTED, THE MOST HIGH SOFT NOUGAT OF MONTELIMAR!



Available at Whole Foods and some GNCs. May contain eggs.

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 3

(cue irritating banjo music)


Project Hillbilly Teeth continues into its third stage, marking the first trilogy. Here now is a recap of PHT's mission goals:

1) find discarded business cards in public places

2) retain these business cards to protect these innocent people from identity thieves

3) mail to those people a confusing letter with a free package of "Bubba" Hillbilly Teeth

4) bask in how much confusion you imagine them feeling


It must be reiterated that our purpose here is to provide awareness to the dangers of identity theft. This is a serious undergoing that has inspired dozens of high schools and technical colleges to request that we come by to speak to kids, but we don't want to do that crap. If "Dr. T and the Women" taught us anything, it's that we must protect ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

This round, we had gathered business cards from streets, gutters, and train platforms to bring you a veterinarian, a TV political analyst, and a scoutmaster.

Click to enlarge and read:




And here now are the requisite composites of how we imagine these fine people looking when they try on the hillbilly teeth:




It's a colossal waste of time!

(end irritating banjo music)

Brad For Goodness Sake!

Some assorted nuggets from the desk of Brad Harvey's notebook:

• What's the plural for MILF? MILVES?

• I wonder if two identical twins ever fucked each other.

• Gasoline was probably a bad poultice (SP?) for that baby fox. Rethink.

• Tattoo idea! Chinese infant in a headlock

• Tic Tac still in my pee hole. Next steps?

• Old lady hair. Hilarious! Write a bit about that!

• Can anyone at the park tell I fucked that totem pole?

• Pay Mason to (illegible) for those capoeira (SP?) lessons for Juney

• Apologize to Ryan's Mom about that thing with the thing. Stupid!

• That valet company hasn't called about the job yet. Time to firebomb?

• Why did that German chick have a cock? Do they all? Still, HOT.

• Bowflex: 5 payments left.

• Reminder: STOP MASTURBATING AT THE GOODWILL!!!!

• Dr. Alavar said that wasn't a lump after all. That was a second testicle. So why is my pee cloudy? This could be a Yellow Pages radio script! Still hungry after those chimichangas. What are birds?

Farewell, Sweet Nudelman.

(The following is, sadly, the last in-house entry of "In the Nude" by Joe Nudelman, who for the last six months has been a major contriubutor to Eat a Dick Joel:)

Today I’ve decided to write a worthy tribute to the arguably most awesomest weapon ever forged by the gods: The trident!


This glorious piece of weaponry is as deadly as it is versatile. The use of the Trident has spanned over the course of all time, spanning universes, species, and mythology.


Did you know that more things have been poked by the tips of a trident than the overall number of thrusts with a trident over the course of our history? Approximately three holes have been punctured for every single thrust, talk about efficiency! Bet your stupid gun can’t hit three things with only one bullet… HA!
Tridents have played a glorious role in the development of our modern society. Ancient warriors and rulers of sea wielded the mighty ‘Tri-Cornered Spear’ (as it was referred to in the time of Scurvy). Many might argue that had it not been for this spectacular bit of weaponry, that the Navy as we know may not have ever received permission to traverse the glorious ocean that covers our planet, and we would be forced to become land isolated, living in caves, and likely turning to cannibalism in the absence of wonderful silks and spices that could be found just on the other side of the pond. I pledge my loyalty to those brave ancient souls and salute thee who created the wondrous trident.


The trident paved the way for many things. From useful things such as forks, sporks, and walking sticks. And to things we could probably do without, such as sporks, this article, and that crappy Trident Gum commercial where that bitch is stranded on that island, and the gum makes her teeth shine so bright that it attracts a plane to rescue her. That commercial sucks almost as much as this article! Stupid, just stupid.


In conclusion, tridents are awesome and they are bigger and better than you or I. Respect them or face the consequences.

In other news, today (Friday May 4th) is my last day here at C-K. I’ve enjoyed my time with most all of you (all 3 who read this to be sure), and despite the lack of a respectable amount of pay the company here makes it a bit frustrating and difficult to leave. There was a compliment in that previous sentence.

And my last conversation with Sergio will probably incite a rage inside my bowels that will likely lead to a desire to murder adorable babies and puppies, no matter how mine they are, every time I think about it. Seriously, I went from liking him, to going somewhere between loathing and homicidal thoughts, I actively dislike this man. But I digress.

I’ve enjoyed my time with you all and wish you well. If anyone would wish to contact me, my email address is joenudelman@hotmail.com.

Catch y’all on the flip!

-Joe Nudelman