An Imagined Conversation

"You unimaginative hack!"

"You backstabbing prick!"

"Whoa whoa whoa. Jared. Allison. What's going on here?"

"Hey Maxine. I'm glad your here. You can finally settle this."

"Settle what, Jared?"

"I just sent the new APPROVED ketchup label along with the specs to the printer, but Allison here suddenly has a problem with it now."

"You're damn right I do, and you tried to sneak it past me, you steamrolling prick!"

"Allison. We're all on the same brand team, here. Let's not use personal attacks. So what's the problem with the label, Allison?"

"Remember that design review last week when we recapped the typeface placement at the top?"

"Yes."

"Well, Maxine, look closely."

"..."

"Do you see it?"

"Wait. The hyphen is upside down now."

"Fucking THANK YOU."

"It's not upside down, Maxine. I saw it as an art mistake."

"But we approved it last week, Jared, you asshole."

"Yes it WAS approved. But I saw that it was a droplet that was mistakenly upside down and I corrected it before it went out."

"Why the fuck would there be a droplet in the place of an apostrophe, you dimwit?"

"Because it's a goddamned KETCHUP DROPLET on a goddamned KETCHUP BOTTLE, you cow!"

"Guys, guys guys. This is not constructive. We have to either let it go as is now or pull the entire label print run which will push us back two weeks. What's it gonna be?"

*conference door opens*

"Oh! I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm Seth, the new intern. I was just going to clean the room before the next meeting... oh hey, that's cool. A droplet as the apostrophe? Very cute detail! Okay, sorry to interrupt your brainstorm, guys. I'll come back later!"

What The Star Wars Costume For Your Pet Says About You

Bantha: You are a huge nerd.

Princess Leia: You are a huge nerd.

Chewbacca: You are a huge nerd.

R2D2: You are a huge nerd.

Yoda: You are a huge nerd.

Darth Vader: You are a huge nerd.

AT-AT: You are a huge nerd.

Not All Artwork Can Make It Into The Blackberry Face Exhibit

This item (nicknamed "Tessa") was submitted for entry into the Blackberry Face Exhibit- currently on display at the Kegan Worchestershire Gallery & Laundromat in Barcelona, Spain. Unfortunately, it takes more than a smartphone and a sour look on your mouth to qualify being added to the art show. Even celebrity lookalikes cannot make it into this exclusive collection.

"Tessa" fails to join the Blackberry Face Exhibit simply because she's not doing the "Blackberry Face." She is pursing her lips, which in many circles is instead referred to as a "duckmouth."

The Blackberry Face Exhibit will continue to be show at the Kegan Worchestershire Gallery & Laundromat until July 10, where it will relocate to the Terrence Üte Museum in Bierstadt, Korea. Admission will be $40 for adults and $50 for children under 10. No flash photography. And no "insies-and-outsies" once you enter.

Cylon Instructions

Let's Tap Our Cigarette Ash Into the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted via IM by Bill Dow, a quick anecdote about him and his fiancée:




Way to spoil a good story, Pewter Bear. You're probably one of those types that people invite to a party, like once. Cuz once you get there and start spouting off your know-it-all, insufferable pie hole full of facts, the word spreads that you're a detestable, unimaginably withering puke of a shitstain. Read these next three words slowly and carefully, Pewter Bear, so that it can enter that thick pewter brain of yours: NOBODY LIKES YOU. Oh, and: DIE.

Anyway, thanks to Bill for letting me publish that!

"It's Obi Wan. He's holding me back!"

Found in a recent Village Voice: this ad for an acting school. Pretty reputable school, dropping names like Mamet and William H. Macy. But look closely...


What the frak? Sure, Jessica Alba and Skeet Ulrich are very attractive people, but if you're trying to sell yourself as a primo acting school, I think you could do better than the stars of "Blue Crush" and "Jericho." Like maybe a photo of a Resusci Annie and a traffic cone. Alba and Ulrich are terrible in everything they've ever done.

I do have to admit, though, that little printing shmutz on Skeet Ulrich's forehead does make him more intriguing.

Wait, did I say "Blue Crush" earlier? Sorry, that's the wrong title. I meant "who gives a shit."

Rub One Out.

As a connoisseur and enthusiast of the art of frottage, Joel has found it frustrating to live in L.A., where few people take mass transit. He has, however, found that he can rub his crotch against people in dense gatherings like sporting events or conventions- the most recent being a comic book convention in San Diego.

Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarboro (note the new spelling) dressed like The Falcon & Dyno-Mutt, respectively, to the 2008 Comic-Con. Once inside, Joel cleared his codpiece and began to happily rut against convention-goers almost to the point of climax.

I say "almost" because convention security– especially primed to detect sexual deviance since Furries had started attending– cracked down on the frottage immediately and tossed Joel out posthaste. The chimp servant, however, was not involved and was allowed to stay for the duration. So while Joel sat outside and ate stale parking lot dick, Chad Yarboro hobnobbed with Battlestar Galactica stars Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, and Kandyse McClure. Hot stuff!

(pictured above, a Karate mural artist in Brooklyn is either lazy or racist)

Gee, Thanks.

Man, gotta love Amazon's Pre-Order Price Guarantee.

Who Farted? Battlestar Galactica Styley

Intrigue. Alliances. Clouds. A huge cast. Ingredients for a sappy soap, an award-winning sci-fi series, and a very healthy game of Who Farted? You know, I'd go so far as to say that B.S.G. makes for better games of Who Farted than most soap opera cast shots.

For this installment, we asked Andrew Gall to play, then we'd compare notes. Our notes are in parentheses.


There are a TON of suspects here.

From L to R

#1:

Looks perturbed, if not pissed. Not him.

(Admiral Adama's nostrils flare from disappointment, yet he keeps his chin up, braving the cirrus fart cloud above him)

#2:

Her wide-eyed innocence portrays possible guilt. She's a definite candidate.

(Boomer keeps a neutral stance. Agreed)

#3:

His farts smell awful. This is the look he's used to giving. But I don't
think it's him this time.

(An unkempt, greasy Baltar = high fart possibities)

#4:

She's hard to read. If she farted, it's a nice poker face. I'd say the odds are 70/30 against it being her.

(Starbuck doesn't even know what's going on. She's looking for her other friends)

#5:

Ding ding ding. We have a winner. He's trying to close his eyes and forget the whole sordid scene. This is fart public enemy #1. Unless he's just grimacing from the asian chick's trouser cough.

(I agree that Lee Adama looks very guilty here, but more from trying to hide than from closing his eyes. But I don't think it's him)

#6:

At first glance, she seems like a candidate. But I doubt it. She just looks more fed up at the situation than anything else. She's about to shake her head and say, "not again you guys."

(Passive-aggressive disappointment is a major weapon in President Laura Roslin's arsenal– pun intended)

#7:

This is confusing. Is this woman turned on by farts? She seems to be. I don't think she did it, but the whole thing seems to be affecting her positively. It's an outlook I've wanted all my life.

(I think it's dead-on guilt she's displaying. Her seductive expression does nothing to hide the fact that she let an air biscuit leave the docking station. So it's her)

Here's another excellent example of B.S.G.'s fantastic Who Farted compositions:


Who do you think farted, class?

Ew

(pictured above, Josh Witherspoon's grody prehensile pinky toe)

Geek outhouse.

(pictured to the right, someone left a Battlestar Galactica comic book in the C-K men's room. And Bill Dow hasn't worked here in months.)