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Track Listing For a Kwanzaa Carols CD Written By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Kwanzaa But Has The Utmost Respect For It But Only Has The CD Cover To Go By

1) Feast?

2) 6 Pillars of Pride

3) The Red, Green and Black of It All

4) And Now We Pass The Cup

5) Salt, Fruit, and Wheat Threshings

6) Blessings of the Season (Uptown Remix)

7) What The Corn Means (What Does It Mean?)

8) Performing On Greenscreen

9) Kwanzaa: An Evening (Week?) of Reflection or Celebration or Something

10) Deck The Halls (Serious Kwanzaa Version)

11)  Light That Candle (For That Kwanzaa Flame)

Coming Soon To A Sam Goody's Near You

Featuring the tracks

• "WHAT RU CHKN?"

• "Smokin In The Boys Room"

• "(Get Your Older Brother To) Buy Us Beer"

• "Run Home To Mommy"

• "Fingering Amy Dodd (Why Haven't You Yet?)"

• "The Movie 'Grease" Has A Really Good Message To It"

• "NyQuil"

• "Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It (Do It)."

HOLY SHITFUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!!!

So I was in Target buying feminine hygiene products, when I happened upon a familiar face on the new age CD rack.

Yes, Robin Meade, whose debut CD "Brand New Day" was reviewed right here on this very blog, has a sophomore follow-up album, IN STORES NOW.

So you're damn right I grabbed a copy and took it home. 

Check back later for a fuller review of this serious recording artist's latest.

Here she is wailing on (not whaling on) Piers Morgan:

EADJ Song Hate: "Without You" by David Guetta ft. Usher

Back in January of 2010 we had a holiday entry that judged a good singer from a bad from the way they enunciated a certain phrase.

Today on EADJ Song Hate, we have an example where a singer not only fails that test but repeats it dozens of times in one song, just poking at your eardrums with his lazy run-on of words that irritates beyond belief.

If you're unfortunate not to have an MP3 or CD player in your car, you've heard this Top Forty hit on the radio at some point in the last few months:



The cornball lyrics go like this:

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

But thanks to Usher's terrible enunciation, this is what you hear:

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without chew, without chew
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without chew, without chew

You hear that? Despite his impressive vocal acrobatics and soulful tremolo, Usher mashes the words "without" and "you" together to make a dripping Sloppy Joe of a lyric. "Without chew."

Now, go back and play that YouTube clip again. That shit will irritate the everbreathing fuck out of you now like it does us.


Normally, here on Song Hate we'd break down why the lyrics are awful or why the melody is annoying, but it's really not the most terrible song in the world without all the "ch" sounds. And we don't even dislike David Guetta or Usher. Although we might have to go back and reconsider a lot of Usher songs.


Um, that's about it. Let's hoist this motherfucker up into the rafters of musicdom and never talk about it again. Dave, Usher, you two are excused.

One of These Things Is Not Like The Others

Spotted on one of those illegal warez websites (don't judge me):

A Rule of Thumb For Musicians

When coming up with a band name, if you want to avoid the cut-out bin (or the free CD box at some office), maybe not titling it "(insert violent act) (insert woman's name here)" might be a good idea.



Some exceptions: Alice In Chains, Flogging Molly, Jane's Addiction, Bikini Kill, and Bludgeoning Whitney Houston.

An Imagined Conversation.

Publicist: Good morning, everyone. Shall we get started?

Record Label Exec: Yes. Our album release date is in 90 days. We have distribution lined up, marketing has been budgeted, and radio stations all have gotten a heads up. But we still need a title for the album.

Recording Artist: What is this pink stuff on the bagels? Is this fish?

Record Label Exec: Err, I think that's lox.

Recording Artist: Who?

Publicist: It's fish. Salmon, specifically.

Record Label Exec: (pause) Anyway, we have video hosting appearances squared away with Fuse and MTV, but they both requested album artwork, and we still need to name the CD...

Recording Artist: There's like boogers on the fish, too.

(silence)

Publicist: Those are capers.

Recording Artist: (pokes at bagel)

Publicist: (clears throat) Well, we want an album title that reflects a new phase in the artist's career. Something that shows depth and maturity.

Recording Artist: Holy shit, they taste like boogers too! Nasty!

Record Label Exec: How about "This Is Me," or some crap? Seems to always work. It makes them seem to bare their soul and contemplate their existence and legacy in the music world.

Publicist: Done. (to Recording Artist) Let's get a McMuffin for you.

Recording Artist: I dressed myself!

Spotted at Terget

Pictured above, a CD of Jewel Lullabies, which is pretty fucking redundant if you ask me.

More Terrible Hip Hop Album Covers

And the following two submitted by Andrew Gall:

Some Items At The Car Wash That I Thought Sounded Dirty

(Not pictured: Gear Shift Knob, Splashguard Trim, and Double Cup Holder)

And on a separate note, I found these decorative CDs you can hang on your rear view mirror, so people don't have to hang their regular CDs from their rear view mirror. Makes sense.



I was tempted to buy one of these and try to play it on a CD player. Much like my desire to buy some Rice Krispies Treats, disassemble them and eat them with milk.

The Evolution of Richard Clayderman's Buttcrack Haircut

Over the course of his illustrious career, pianist Richard Clayderman has used a variety of source material for reinterpretation. But whether he's re-imagining the pop sensibilities of The Carpenters or the dramatic epic broadway tunes of Andrew Lloyd Webber, Clayderman has kept his parted-down-the-middle two-tone haircut consistent. For that is his trademark. Here, EADJ examines the many moods of Richard Clayderman's ass-crack do.


The Best of Abba
Establishing a look is important. And Richard sports his classic, bowl buttcrack center-part like a proud, preening peacock.


The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber
Often lighting and smoke evoke a feeling of mystery and drama. Richard knows this and blends his buttcrack just so that you can't tell if it's his forehead or his hair. Quelle mystere!


The Best of The Carpenters
Richard Clayderman pays respect to the tragic life of Karen Carpenter by foregoing the buttcrack part completely. A deepfelt tribute from a fellow artiste.


The Best of Cinema
A triumphant return to clearly-defined ass-cleavage-resembling hair! A widescreen cinemascopic panorama of shimmering blond hair for Clayderman to lead the troops in. An epic conquistador's helmet of triumph! To arms!


The Best of Classical
The formal look is appropriate when approaching the classics. Clayderman knows this and responds with chiaroscuro, Monet-like softness on wispy sinews of asscrack. But you may also notice a bit of "party in the back," if you know what I'm saying. Am I right, ladies?


The Best of Love Songs
The art of love involves baring one's soul. What better way to portray that than to create the biggest, widest buttcrack part ever slapped on an album cover? Richard takes both hands and STRETCHES the everloving bejeezus out of that part, spreading that bad boy like Penthouse Pet Valentina Vaughn in her June 2005 pictorial.

It must also be noted that on none of these album covers are Richard Clayderman's famous hands visible. That's because he's folding t-shirts out of the crop.

Whoopsy Doo.

(pictured above, a band member doesn't realize he's blowing the keyboardist on an album cover)

What Matt Thinks 4: Seed of Shorty

This time around, Matt passes judgment on a new release.



Matt added later: "She should have some discipline and stop recording music."

Strike Out, Joel.

Things that Joel has learned over the course of the Writer's Strike:

Day one: Not working is kind of fun!

Day two: My toes are kind of webbed if you look at them in the right light.

Day three: Nikki and Victor are an eternally doomed couple on The Young and the Restless

Day four: Unrefrigerated Vong's Thai Kitchen leftovers don't keep or taste too good.

Day five: Writer's agents don't call as often when writers are striking.

Day six: Loneliness is disorienting and Silvia Plath poems make more sense.

Day seven: My testicles smell worse when you use Pine Sol.

Day eight: Wow. Silvia Plath totally gets it all.

Day nine: Being broke isn't as heroic and honorable as those Okie Dust Bowl people say.

Day ten: Dick still tastes awesome. A comfort in these times.

(pictured above, the new trend in album cover art– just putting someone's big fat face on the cover)

Separated Afterbirth?

**UPDATE**

The Pedway Guide article refers to her as MS. Sue McCloskey. So if she did have the hottie chick as a daughter, it would have been as a single mother. No wonder that girl's so clingy.