"Randall has volunteered to accompany you to the sales meeting because Randall has experience with that region. Randall grew up in that area and Randall is very familiar with that market, particularly since all of Randall's family and Randall's friends still live there. In fact, Randall would like to show you Randall's favorite diner, recently opened by Randall's 4th grade teacher. Randall says Randall's favorite dish there is Cinnamon Pear Pie, a recipe that Randall insists is very similar to the recipe that Randall's mom used to bake. Randall has shown that Randall can handle both Randall's sales items and any additional ones, so I'm letting Randall come along with you so Randall can prove Randall's-self. Thanks."
A Wonder Woman mask that accompanies a coloring and activity book.
At closer inspection, however, it appears that Diana's long goddess hair has been cropped into a sensible, professional bob. And now she looks like a temp.
Someone close to you has spent $159.99 plus tax plus shipping for the ECR4Kids Jumbo Four-To-Score Giant Game 4-In-A-Row Connect Game and is now enjoying it in the backyard with you and some others. Here now are maybe the worst possible things you could say at the moment:
• "What the fuck is this? I could've built this for you for like, $20"
• "Connect Four is the copyrighted property of Hasbro Corporation. This large version is an unauthorized use, and I will be contacting their lawyers."
• "I think about four of these could fit on my dick."
• "Have any of you seen that documentary Plandemic online? Very eye opening."
• "You're pretty good at this game, Jeff. When you're not DATE RAPING."
• "These look like donuts. But I probably said that because I'm fat. Nobody loves me. Will any of you love me even though I'm a fat piece of shit who can't hold a relationship down?"
• "No, seriously, I could put about five of these on my dick."
Okay, we realize that you guys couldn't believe your luck when you went into your archives and found that one of your old Excedrin commercials featured then-unknown actress Elisabeth Moss, who is now on the hottest TV series "Mad Men." It's understandable that you wanted to update the label on the package via CG and run this commercial to capitalize on Elisabeth Moss' fame.
But come on, guys. She is SO YOUNG in this commercial that she barely looks like this now. I feel like I'm watching her 12 year old birthday party.
If anything, running this ancient reel-to-reel commercial is telling people that your product hasn't changed for shit and is about as medically current as "Jonathan T. Greenbaum's Health-Wise Liniment For The Tremors and Rheumatism."
So for the love of Mike, you cheapskates, stop running that stale-ass commercial from when people still listened to Walkmans and shoot a new actress with like an HD camera. That old shit is giving me a throbbing headache.
Since the date is the 19th AND the moon tonight will be waning crescent, it's time for Joel to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið!
To keep his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak, Joel must be both prepared and flexible. Here at EADJ we offer a few strategies for tonight's exciting game:
• When rolling the Luck Bones, flick slightly with your wrist so that they have a chance to land on "milkshake." You don't want them to land on "pus" again.
• Hold your Kreppuspilið "Power" cards until four rounds in so that your chimp servant Chad Yarborough uses his up to collect all the magpies. Then, when he draws a card, throw down your hand and karate chop his groin!
This should help explain some of these strategies
• If the Domino's Pizza guy shows up while it's your turn, you may force him to take his shirt off and reenact the scene from "Ghost" with you. That's not in the rulebook or anything- just something to try. Insist on being Demi.
• Don't be obsessed with the scoreboard. The best Kreppuspilið players play on instinct, guts, balls, nerve, chutzpah, and a little something called mojo. Unless you're losing.
• Your chimp servant is wily. Don't get up to pee without taking the entire playing board with you into the pee shed. And while we're on the subject, pace yourself when drinking your Ting.
• Move your game piece carefully. The board favors those who are cautious, rewarding the best players with points and punishing the reckless with free tickets to movies starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as two people who hate each other but pretend to be engaged in order to keep their jobs but end up falling in love anyway due to circumstances beyond their control.
• This probably doesn't mean to be said, but eat plenty of dick while playing. When you're undernourished, you tend to be dull and unfocused. Believe us, we've read some of your screenplays. ZING!
