And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Pressure Wash a Driveway

Stains on concrete are not only ugly, they can also weaken the surface of your driveway. For this, a pressure washer is fast and efficient. Here are steps to cleaning a driveway with a pressure washer: 

1) Prepare the area. Using a broom or leaf blower, clear loose material like stone, dirt and other debris off the driveway surface. 

2) Prepare your pressure washer. Connect the spray wand to the washer using a pressure hose and the washer to a water supply using a garden hose. Different nozzles are available for different purposes. For applying the detergent, use the low-pressure nozzle. For rinsing, use a high-pressure nozzle.

3) Spray the concrete. Sweep the nozzle steadily back and forth across the surface, overlapping each stroke by several inches.

4) Seal the concrete. After the concrete has dried completely, apply a sealant to help ward off future stains. Allow the surface to set for 24 hours before using the driveway.

And speaking of surfaces, one time I wasn't looking and a lady was cutting lines of cocaine on the HOOD OF MY LIMO. Needless to say she didn't get a ride home. Be safe, kids!

A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Christian at the Cell-Fun kiosk in Minot, North Dakota was thinking about:

• I can't believe I get paid to surf on Yahoo.

• I am so lonely, actually.

• That nerdy sister from "Modern Family" has a rack, hasn't she?

The following is what Trent at the Custom You Always kiosk in Provo, Utah was thinking about:

• I can't decide if I'm a tit man, an ass man, or a dick man

• I wish they'd make Nutty Buddies but without the nuts, cuz I'm allergic

• I just sharted, but I only have 3 more hours till I have to clock out.

The following is what Emilio at the Repair Screenz Explosion kiosk in Jonesboro, Arkansas was thinking about:

• FUCK, where is my wallet???!!!

• Did one of those kids who walked by pick my goddamned pocket???!!!! I'll KILL THEM!!!!

• Oh, there it is. Other pocket. :)

The following is what Saanvi at the Carved Edge kiosk in Auburn Hills, Michigan was thinking about:

• Am I going crazy, or are there swastikas in the carpet?

• I definitely need to keep an eye on the merchandise- otherwise someone might steal all of it, and that's gotta be worth about $23.

• I poisoned the box of Munchkins in the break room fridge to catch the lunch thief. NOW I WAIT.

The following is what Hilary at the Exotic Stones LLC kiosk in Delray Beach, Florida was thinking about:

• In front of a Kay Jewelers is a pretty dumb place to have an exotic stones kiosk, if you ask me.

• I'll always regret stabbing my junior prom date. Poor Thad... Chad?

• I bet there's enough storage room under here to take a long nap in.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 2pm):

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• Charlotte McKinney

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The following is what Evelyn at the PUSSY HO BITCHEZ kiosk in Milford, Delaware was thinking about:

• They should really consider changing the name of this kiosk.

• There really is no need for such a vulgar business name. It's hurting sales.

• I should tell Betty.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 4:30pm):

• Ah! I am so relaxed and well rested!

• I hope I didn't miss any potential clients during my little nap there, heh heh.

• Charlotte McKinney really does have an amazing rack.

 The following is what Bruce at the Lug Along Luggage kiosk in Danvers, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• This is nice. I get to own my own business and dictate my own hours here.

• The atmosphere is so relaxing, and I get to sit the entire time!

• Which one of these cases had the heroin in it, again? I should make a mental note.

 The following is what Gladys at the Royal Sheets kiosk in Elizabeth, New Jersey was thinking about:

• I can't stop watching "Big Bang Theory," and yet I hate everyone on that show.

• Chicken fried steak. Who the shit invented that? Morons.

• I bet if I bounced my leg enough, I could achieve orgasm right here.

Let Me Be Your Pathmark (Pathmark) You Can Call Me Queen Bee

Awwwwww!

(pictured above, Mel and Jessica pay IM status homage to one another. It's like a digital hug!)

*** UPDATE: Mel has informed us that despite the big ol' lovefest, Jessica still can't spell "Kreilein" right.

If it pees, eat it.

The following are questions from a psychological test that Joel took while applying for a job at Jack In the Box:

YES/NO Do you feel sad or depressed?
YES/NO Feel easily tired or distracted?
YES/NO Do I make you horny?
YES/NO Do you have tense muscles or problems sleeping?
YES/NO Do you ever think about eating dick?
YES/NO Admit it. You do think about eating dick, right?
YES/NO Joel. We're talking to you.
YES/NO Joel.
YES/NO Fine. Don't answer.
YES/NO Do you ever feel exhausted after eating dick?
YES/NO Do you think that maybe you might be eating too much dick?
YES/NO It's not that we're judging you or anything. Maybe you should just cut back a little.
YES/NO Do you feel worthless or guilty?
YES/NO Do you feel angry?
YES/NO Do you sometimes get so angry that you want to garrotte that goddamn receptionist's neck?
YES/NO Do you ever want to hurt yourself?
YES/NO Do you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself?
YES/NO Can we hurt you?
YES/NO Please?
YES/NO Would you like to hurt us?
YES/NO Hey, where are you going?
YES/NO
YES/NO
YES/NO Asshole.

(pictured above, a spectacular display of swooping, organic lines surrounding a sucking, cavernous venue, and a stage)

Brad For Goodness Sake!

Some assorted nuggets from the desk of Brad Harvey's notebook:

• What's the plural for MILF? MILVES?

• I wonder if two identical twins ever fucked each other.

• Gasoline was probably a bad poultice (SP?) for that baby fox. Rethink.

• Tattoo idea! Chinese infant in a headlock

• Tic Tac still in my pee hole. Next steps?

• Old lady hair. Hilarious! Write a bit about that!

• Can anyone at the park tell I fucked that totem pole?

• Pay Mason to (illegible) for those capoeira (SP?) lessons for Juney

• Apologize to Ryan's Mom about that thing with the thing. Stupid!

• That valet company hasn't called about the job yet. Time to firebomb?

• Why did that German chick have a cock? Do they all? Still, HOT.

• Bowflex: 5 payments left.

• Reminder: STOP MASTURBATING AT THE GOODWILL!!!!

• Dr. Alavar said that wasn't a lump after all. That was a second testicle. So why is my pee cloudy? This could be a Yellow Pages radio script! Still hungry after those chimichangas. What are birds?