Task Chair Has HAD It

Maybe you haven't heard from Task Chair in a while. Like since 2017. But that doesn't mean you should get comfortable. No sir. TASK CHAIR WILL MAKE SURE YOU SIT UPRIGHT AND PRODUCTIVE-LIKE, YOU PUSSY SLACKER.

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS IN 2021? A SECOND YEAR OF LOCKDOWN FROM A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC, AND PEOPLE ARE STILL BITCHING ABOUT WEARING MASKS OR TAKING A FREE VACCINE BECAUSE OF THEIR "FREEDOMS"? YOU FUCKING MEWLING BABIES DON'T KNOW WHAT SACRIFICE IS. TASK CHAIR SAYS TO SIT DOWN AT HOME AND WORK REMOTELY IS A MOTHERFUCKING PRIVILEGE, SO DON'T BE WHINING LIKE IT'S SOME BIG SACRIFICE.

'OH, WHY IS TASK CHAIR GETTING POLITICAL NOW?' NO, YOU'RE GETTING POLITICAL. KEEPING SOCIETY SAFE BY DOING YOUR PART, GETTING VACCINATED AND ENDURING MINOR INCONVENIENCES TO STEM A DEADLY VIRUS IS NOT POLITICAL. IT'S ONLY POLITICAL BECAUSE YOU HALFWITS ARE FOLLOWING THE BAD ADVICE FROM POLITICIANS OF YOUR CHOOSING. TASK CHAIR CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT PATHETIC SUCKERS SOME OF YOU HAVE TURNED INTO IN A MERE FOUR YEARS. PATHETIC.

OK TASK CHAIR OUT. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR WHEN HE COMES BACK. PUSSIES.

The Dickside Chats, Part Five (Final Installment)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel had asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his ruminations, porridge, and general pterodactyls on this eponymous blog. This was part five– and the final installment– of a very Shuwetty, very palindromic series:

Joel: (continued from the part four) If anyone can find my original website, I'll be eternally grateful. I can't remember what I called the damned thing. It's not davidsbiblepagesarestucktogether.blogspot.com. I checked that one.

Andrew: Don't get testy there, Joelenator. I know you were the first. And I believe I was the one who brought to attention actual text from the page, and I quote: "yeah yeah David oh yeah." For goodness sakes, if we could only locate this decaying corpse of a blog and resurrect it. I'd give my left ring finger for that. Alright Joel, you've been a pretty good sport with this whole thing. Let's do some word association to close things out, shall we? I'll say a word, then you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready? Go.

Dick.

Joel: David.

Andrew: Chad Yarbrough.

Joel: amuse bouche

Andrew: Tyanna.

Joel: Dick in Russian?

Andrew: Watch.

Joel: Noel's amuse bouche?

Andrew: Walrus.

Joel: Cock ooh ka chew?

Andrew: Farts.

Joel: Get away from my food?

Andrew: Frats.

Joel: The lack of vagina is nice though. Like a chinese food place with no MSG.

Andrew: Cam'ron.

Joel: ar' you trying to be a pirat'?

Andrew: Freaknik.

Joel: I lived in atlanta. Good times. Good times.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad fashions a comfortable safety belt strap from a golf towel as he drives through rugged and hilly Nebraska)