UAG

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Publish Your Own Book

1) First, just get words on paper; work on your manuscript done. Once your manuscript is ready, use a self-publishing service to put your book in front of readers. Learn from their feedback to make an even better follow-up title.

2) Find an editor. While not required for self-publishing, editors can help make your story flow better, strengthen plots and characters, spot inconsistencies, and generally make your book more interesting and approachable in both fiction and nonfiction.

3) Find the right distributor. Don't use any book publishing service which demands an up-front fee and/or an excessive cut of sales revenue—there's simply no reason to pay for expensive vanity publishers anymore. Instead, use a service like Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing. Similar self-publishing services are offered by Barnes & Noble (through Nook Press), Apple (through iTunes Connect) and others, but Amazon's is one of the most widely available platforms and is easy to use.

And speaking of Apple, if you need your iPhone charged in my limo, I have both an old fashioned 6-pin cord and one of the new "lightining" cables. So keep your cool and don't start shouting about my "old piece of shit car" when I've clearly kept with the times. Be safe, kids.

UAG

Stunt Cat. Now More Than Ever.

Since yesterday's entry, Hollywood has been abuzz with "Stunt Cat" scriptwriting and development since they are essentially creatively bankrupt. Studios from Miramax to Universal are clambering to be the first to release a feature film called "Stunt Cat" with merchandising tie-ins, promotional tours at comicons, and possible 3D conversion after the initial release. Here are the five top ideas for this white hot property:

Scenario 1: "Stunt Cat:" Vogue editor Anna Wintour voices Stella, the fashion-conscious cat in a 30th floor penthouse who uncovers murder and adventure (and even love) in this high-altitude animated thriller from Dreamworks. Karl Lagerfeld voices "Detente," the finicky bulldog!

Status: Still rendering.

Scenario 2: "Stunt Kat:" Kat Dennings stars as a clumsy stuntwoman whose main talent is falling down and letting her spectacular boobs fall out of her jumpsuit.

Status: In development, if you know what I mean.

Scenario 3: "Stunt Cat:" Peter Dinklage plays James "Cat" Catherall, a dwarf assassin who uses his "stunted" stature to squeeze into the headquarters of TicketMaster and kill every last motherfucking person who works or draws a paycheck from that miserable company. Rated E for Everyone.

Status: Happening now.

Scenario 4: "Stunt Cat:" A live action romp featuring real-life stunt cat Herbie and cast of over four dozen Parkour free runners and performers from the stage show "Stomp." Soundtrack by Blue Man Group and the Cirque Du Soleil players. Directed by Tarsem.

Status: Unbearable.

Scenario 5: "Stunt Cat:" Ridley Scott films a movie about a cat who may or may not be an alien, who uses stunts to reproduce and populate other planets, and it's possible this may be a prequel to "Alien," but nobody is saying anything like that, and you can enjoy it as a stand-alone movie, which is total bullshit because just look at it.

Status: Aliens.

An IM Convo

Submitted by Tom Weingard:

¿Que Pasa Racist Appliances?

Figure 4.2: All Films Reviewed So Far on the EADJ Crappinema And Their Relative Awfulness To One Another

(click image to enlarge)

Who Farted? CBS Lineup Stylee!

If you were to divine what this fall's CBS lineup was just by looking at the promotional posters, you'd think every show was about someone floating an air biscuit in a different colored room. Let's take a look, shall we.


CSI: NY

The players: The chick from Crossing Jordan (or Providence? The Closer? Whatever.) and Lieutenant Dan.
"Who farted" factor: 4 out of 10. Melina Kanakaredes' hairdo seems blown back from Lieutenant Dan's fart. She seems hurt and waits for an explanation. Lieutenant Dan doesn't give a shit. Look at his striped shirt! What a man!
Most likely fart suspect: Lieutenant Dan!


CANE

The players: Hot brunette chick, younger dude in his 20's, suspicious dude who also plays the suspicious dude on LOST, and Senator Bail Organa from "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith."
"Who farted" factor: 7 out of 10. Lots of interplay here: All of the males look like they could have farted, although the suspicious dude seems to accuse the chick a little. Young dude in his 20's almost looks like he's laughing in the back. Jimmy almost wants to hold his nose.
Most likely fart suspect: Jimmy Smits (this is not a racial comment)


CRIMINAL MINDS

The players: Serious brown-haired white dude, modelly black dude, and unkempt, dorky ginger dude.
"Who farted" factor: 8 out of 10. Their looks are not only intense but actually accusatory.
Most likely fart suspect: YOU

Out of Control!

There are a couple of SFVOSP updates in process right now, please stand by.

(pictured above, the ravages of partying and doing drugs have finally taken their toll on a popular actress)

So You Think You Can Dance

(pictured above, John Carstens teaches a couple of pussies how it's really done)