It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Good bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

An Imagined Conversation

Oh, why do I gotta be "DELIVERY?" Is it because I'm black? Because I'm some kind of gofer making deliveries for my white boss? Like I'm your fuckin' errand boy? Shiit.

Or is it because I'm like some dealer delivering drugs? Is that it? Just because I had a song called "I'm Your Pusher," now I'm automatically a drug dealer in real life? Now, if you'd actually listened to the lyrics, you'd see that I was saying I'm a pusher of DOPE RHYMES and RECORDS, not actual dope, fool:

I'm sellin' dope in each and every record store
I'm the kingpin when the wax spins
Crack or smack will take you to a sure end

Sure, it's a clumsy analogy, but so was "Lethal Weapon," where I said "my lethal weapon's my mind" and told you to go to the library to "get some more ammo."

But whatever. Back to the task at hand: I ain't your errand boy. And I ain't no drug delivery, either. I play a cop, even though I sang "Cop Killer" with that terrible rock band I had. See, you can separate my acting art from my music, see?

Body Count. That's it. That was the name of that band. Jesus.

Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah Jam is Fatal/Quick To Stick My Pathmark Sword Right Through Your Navel

Je Pathmarke, Tu Pathmarkes, Il Pathmarke, Nous Pathmarkons, Vous Pathmarkez, Ils Pathmarkent

And I swear this was real:

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring

Maybe we'll review this crappy movie. Maybe it will take a long time to describe how bad it was. Maybe the combined starpower of Kung Fu and The Flying Nun wasn't enough to save this glowing turd. Maybe the editor overused flashbacks. Maybe this movie didn't really say anything profound about counterculture and just throw hippies in there because it was topical then. Maybe we'll stop all this "maybe" joke horseshit and get on with it.










A transcript of the breakfast scene, verbatim:

Sister: Wow. You look like you've lost 20 lbs.

Sally Field: No, I don't think I've lost that much.

Sister: Well, you still look great.

Sally Field: Thanks...you sure filled out.

Sister: Yeah, I guess so. Well, I'll tell you one thing– I sure feel stuck with this bra. See you got the right idea– who needs it?

Mom: Don't start that again.

Sister: I'm not.

Mom: Her idea of being attractive is going around, bouncing up and down like a cow.

Sister: That's not my idea of being attractive.

Dad: Ladies, please.













Verbatim dialogue of Exterminator 1:

Exterminator 1: I don't understand the world anymore. I mean, I used to understand the world, but I don't anymore. I can't understand a world where people just come up and steal exterminator trucks. I...I don't understand it. I'm going home. I'm going home.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This performance is so incredibly awesome, we are going to do the best we can to rip and post this scene for you soon.

Verbatim flashback voiceover during this scene:

Young Sally Field: Mommy, why don't you and Daddy sleep together anymore at night?

Mom: We do, baby.

Young Sally Field: But you have two beds now when you only had one before. And the one you had before was pretty.
























Maybe reviewing MICHITS was a total waste of time. Maybe we could have spent our time more wisely, like balancing our checkbook or organizing our expense receipts. Maybe it really was all worth it to watch that excellent "Exterminator 1" scene. Yeah, probably.