Ahh, Sleeping Easy

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-June Edition

These next two from the non-editor of "DC & Marvel Life":

"HE'VE"? LOL

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

It's Time Once Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

(click to enlarge)

Match the toilets with their location. And to help you, we've paired each toilet with a different character from the old "GoBots" cartoon:

1) Waterfront Hotel, Oakland, CA (Leader-1)

2) National Zoological Park, Washington D.C. (Scooter)

3) Washington Adventist Psychiatric Ward, Silver Spring, MD (Cop-Tur)

4) Fresco Mexican Restaurant, Chester, NJ (Zeemon)

5) Grotto Pizza, Rehoboth Beach, DE (Turbo)

6) Facebook Corporate Office, NYC (Cy Kill)

Kreppuspilið x Three!

 

 It's been exactly 3 years and 28 days since they played it last, so it's time once again to play Kreppuspilið!

Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarborough cleaned off the coffee table, hid their shoes, and cracked open the ol' board game Kreppuspilið, and since Joel was once again the victor, he got to roll first. Here is a brief run-down of the game (which is still in progress):


• Joel had built up four huts and a tent, but it still wasn't enough for the onslaught of prostitutes (usually requiring five huts) in the "speed round." Joel lost 40 points to this miscalculation.

• Joel's chimp servant shat in a bottle of hand sanitizer, thus crowning his piece into a Duke. He now gets to move his piece diagonally and can even jaywalk without getting a ticket.

• After drawing a "sawmill" card, Joel has to move to Jerome, Arizona and actually build a working sawmill facility where logs are cut into boards. But since most local sawmills there already cut 18" X 3/4" boards, Joel must retool his equipment to cut the less standard 18" X 1/2" board. How he fares on this task will affect how many bonus points he earns this round.

 

• Joel's chimp servant must take a grapefruit and slice it in as many pieces as necessary to make it look like a human vagina. How closely the grapefruit will resemble the vagina of former "Today Show" host Ann Curry will not affect his final score. Not really sure why we mentioned Ann Curry at all there.

• The director of the movie "Dust Belt" is asked to speak to Joel and his chimp servant about the proper etiquette when losing a turn. Like the honor code that the protagonist in the movie "Dust Belt" lived by, one is never supposed to reveal disappointment in defeat. Instead, they are to laugh heartily and pee a little in their shorts.

 

 • After round 199, Joel and his chimp servant switch places, so that Joel now does all the dusting and cooking around the apartment, and his chimp servant now writes terrible screenplays about pilgrims or scarecrows or whatever the hell characters he's writing about now.

• A box full of unbleached malt appears at the front door. Whatever its connection to the progress of the game remains a mystery, although the shipping manifest says it was ordered FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

More updates in the coming months as this rousing game of “Kreppuspilið” develops.

It's Time To Retire Dr. Fish

A dumb premise. A poorly thought out character. An unpopular segment. These are the voyages of the Starship Dr. Fish. We at EADJ think it's about time we put this awful, unfunny, one-joke bit to death. It's a dumb segment- and coming from a blog that has featured a chimp servant, plastic hillbilly teeth, a how-to segment by a limo driver who is not Vince's uncle, racist appliances, a Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, and an Ugly Andrew Gall- that's saying a lot.

Yes, it's time to join the Curlz MT, Tianna, and the Suzemily Players segments in the EADJ Retirement Home.


Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Do you mean to tell us that we've been throwing segments to the wayside left and right and haven't thought to dump your sorry ass? No, wait. You have to be an official, established EADJ segment to be retired. Instead of being the pathetic, annoying, uninvited, insipid, infuriating piece-of-dog-turd intrusion that you are. Sometimes I wish I could build a theme park by the side of the Grand Canyon and advertise it as "The Only Theme Park Next To The Grand Canyon!" so you would be interested and pay a ticket to ride the roller coaster, and just when you start going down the highest hill, I could have my theme park workers redirect the track into the gaping, cavernous maw of the Grand Canyon for you and the roller coaster car to fall into, never to be heard from again.


Don't worry. We'd find a way to get you on that thing.

H2Dick

Last Tuesday afternoon, Joel went on a serious hike.

He wanted to take advantage of the nice weather and decided to finally hike the 7 mile trail at Topanga State Park, something he had been meaning to do since he'd moved there in '97.

He packed his own backpack, however, after a little falling out with his chimp servant, Chad Yarborough. They had a disagreement over whether the J. Crew catalogs should be stored in the ottoman or thrown against a tree in the backyard. So Joel being the amateur outdoorsman that he is, he packed more dick than water.

So you can just imagine 4 miles into the hike, Joel started getting really thirsty. He had already squeezed all of the moisture out of the dick he'd packed, and there were no streams or lakes nearby. Joel started to get really desperate.

He collapsed of dehydration at about the 6 mile mark. Rescue workers say that he had made a pillow out of the dick that he had left over (a rarity!) and had lay down to die.

Luckily, someone in the Topanga State Park parking lot had spotted him only steps from the First Aid station and gave him plenty of "G." That's what Gatorade apparently wants you to call it these days.

So Joel turned out fine, hungrily finishing off the dick pillow before jumping in his Rav-4 and heading home to threaten his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with his new switch.

(Pictured above, a bodybuilder's ass resembles the Necronomicon)

Kreppuspilið Again!

Since the date is the 19th AND the moon tonight will be waning crescent, it's time for Joel to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið!

To keep his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak, Joel must be both prepared and flexible. Here at EADJ we offer a few strategies for tonight's exciting game:

• When rolling the Luck Bones, flick slightly with your wrist so that they have a chance to land on "milkshake." You don't want them to land on "pus" again.

• Hold your Kreppuspilið "Power" cards until four rounds in so that your chimp servant Chad Yarborough uses his up to collect all the magpies. Then, when he draws a card, throw down your hand and karate chop his groin!


This should help explain some of these strategies

• If the Domino's Pizza guy shows up while it's your turn, you may force him to take his shirt off and reenact the scene from "Ghost" with you. That's not in the rulebook or anything- just something to try. Insist on being Demi.

• Don't be obsessed with the scoreboard. The best Kreppuspilið players play on instinct, guts, balls, nerve, chutzpah, and a little something called mojo. Unless you're losing.


• Your chimp servant is wily. Don't get up to pee without taking the entire playing board with you into the pee shed. And while we're on the subject, pace yourself when drinking your Ting.

• Move your game piece carefully. The board favors those who are cautious, rewarding the best players with points and punishing the reckless with free tickets to movies starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as two people who hate each other but pretend to be engaged in order to keep their jobs but end up falling in love anyway due to circumstances beyond their control.

• This probably doesn't mean to be said, but eat plenty of dick while playing. When you're undernourished, you tend to be dull and unfocused. Believe us, we've read some of your screenplays. ZING!

• Have fun, Joel!

A Smelly Hole

Earlier this week, Joel was trying to find the source of a terrible stench he had detected in his apartment. He had sent his chimp servant Chad Yarborough out for groceries, so he had to search alone.

Under the sink, behind the bookshelf, nothing. Joel even emptied all the leftovers from the fridge into a large trash bag and hurled it into the dumpster across the parking lot, but the heavy smell was still in the apartment.

Only towards the end of the night, when he was brushing his tongue in the bathroom mirror, did he notice a large chunk of meat that had wedged between his back molars. He flossed it out and the 3 lb. piece of dick fell into the sink. And the bathroom started filling with flies.

So it was Joel's breath all along! He slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand and turned to camera as a sad trombone played.

Joel's Terrible Predictions, 2009

Some of you may not know that Joel is an amateur prognosticator. Joel has studied extensively under his holiness Swami Yaro for the past four years and this week has been certified by the California Board of Prediction and Guessing. The ceremony was a quiet affair held at the Gurnee Mills Mall in Milwaukee, WI with such attendees as pet psychic Bree Cotton, massage therapist Sanja Washburn and Rupaul.


As part of his certification, Swami Yaro has asked Joel to announce his predictions for the upcoming year through March 24, 2010. Here is a list of Joel's predictions:

• Later this year, scientists will find out where all the missing bumblebees have gone- to 146 Oak Street, Andover, Ohio.

• Actor Timothy Hutton will suffer a setback when he forgets his keys in either a Subway deli or a hooker's vagina.

• Filmmaker Jim Jarmusch, although widely known to favor black shirts, will decide to wear a dark red shirt in November.

• It will rain fetuses somewhere in the continental United States. Maybe Canada.

• The Old Bridge Deli will close due to nonpayment of taxes (1:1 shot)

• Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough will NOT do the dishes the entire month of April (prove me wrong, Chad!!!!!!!)

• All Circuit City stores will mysteriously close their doors for some unknown reason. Nobody will ever find out why.

• CNN host Nancy Grace will go missing. Nobody will be there to obsess over the sordid details.

• Dragonforce drummer Dave Mackintosh will continue to rock as hard as he ever has. You can put money in the bank on that prediction, baby cheeks.

• Pain will continue to hurt.

• Shaquille O' Neal will kill and eat the Michelin Man. CONFIRMED!

• 21 Red. C'mon, 21 Red.

• Joel's gym will wonder what happened to that hair dryer that was bolted down in the men's locker room. But they will not ask Joel.

Kreppuspilið!

Anyone who knows Joel or has read EADJ knows that Joel's second favorite activity is to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið. And Friday night was no exception.

His chimp servant Chad Yarborough was anxious to break Joel's winning streak of 80 straight games and to win back the respect of his fellow chimp servants in the apartment complex. So the opening pleasant chit-chat was dispensed with quickly and they got down to "brass tacks."

Joel rolled a 14 on the 3 rolling dice, landing him squarely on the "A.I.T.A." square. So for the next 6 rounds, Joel had to hold a handful of acorns in his anus. 4 points.

His chimp servant drew a blue "Freestyle" card, so for the next hour, he was allowed to walk along the Santa Monica Promenade and sucker punch pregnant teenagers. 6 points.

Joel's luck didn't change the next round. He had moved his game piece near the "crackle" zone, so he was forced to drink a mug-full of Everclear and call all of his relatives and tell them he was "cracklin' shitfaced." 2 points.

The chimp servant spun the Kreppuspilið spinner, which landed on "Lynn Redgrave." Joel had to wait patiently while the chimp servant watched every movie, short film, and television appearance that the actress Lynn Redgrave had been in, including "Me, Eloise." This turn took 3 weeks.

Joel finally had enough Kreppuspilið cards to collect a "Kreppuspilið" mission card but unfortunately had forgotten to yell "Kreppuspilið!" as outlined by the rules. So another handful of acorns went into his anus. 4 points.

A noisy dog outside had distracted the chimp servant so much that he had rolled a 4 on the pop-up dice. The poor chimp was forced to surrender all his properties and territories to Joel and had to watch Joel loudly stroke one off to release. Rules.

So Joel continues his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak. But like all great Kreppuspilið champions, Joel refuses to gloat and instead devotes 5 hours of his free time delivering a wheelbarrow full of canned goods to cemeteries and screaming "I'm too late! Kreppuspilið!"

Finding His Center

You know those "balance trainers" for skaters and snowboarders, which are essentially wooden boards on a spool? Well, Joel got one of those to "strengthen his core" whilst eating dick. His Erotic Yoga classes at Curves were doing a pretty good job of toning his legs and chest, but Joel noticed that he needed more. But with his time-consuming hobby of dick-consuming, it was getting hard (ha) for Joel to really get a wholistic workout. So he found a suitable training board in the latest Lillian Vernon catalog and ordered one. His chimp servant Chad Yarborough is expecting the package later this afternoon.

EADJ will update you soon on Joel's review of the balancing ripoff board.

Some Vicious Rumors About Joel That Must Be Quelled

• That he does not eat dick
• That this blog is all in good fun
• That Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarboro is in fact, a small person in a suit
• That Joel rushed Rod Stewart to the emergency room one night to get his stomach pumped
• That Joel rushed Richard Gere to the emergency room to get X-rays
• That most of Joel's earnings come from his African folk art store
• That Joel is not really Hispanic and his show "Mind of Joel" is extremely unfunny
• That Joel's famous "400 Techniques For Eating Dick" are actually 389 with 11 variations on #12
• That Joel is extremely angry with me for not lending him a really nice tray I got from Crate & Barrel because I knew he was going to use it to serve dick on
• That Joel eating the dick of a guy named Dick counts as 2

(pictured above, a recent shot from Pathmark, a bit we don't do anymore because the security guard woman threatened to kick me out if she saw me taking pictures in there again)

Static!

Static shock in the Thomas household!

Due to very dry weather in the L.A. area, the air in Joel's apartment has gotten very susceptible to static shock. It only makes things worse that Joel chooses to traipse around his apartment in nothing but wool socks. Sure, it's sexy, but dangerous!

Just yesterday afternoon Joel walked from his dick-eating bench in the office/guest room to the kitchen to make himself a smoothie. When he touched the blender, it sent a static shock so severe he spoke Spanish briefly:

"¡Que pasa! Estática que conmocionó al infierno de mí!"

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarboro has been smart enough to avoid the floor altogether, swinging from sconce to sconce like my balls on Joel's chin.

Next Monday it's supposed to rain, so Joel will go sockless this weekend.

(pictured above, I can't tell if the t-shirt is being ironic or not. Your thoughts, reader?)


Wow. We haven't heard from you in like, forever, Pewter Bear. Man was that a long, wonderful period of no weak-ass pussiness. Seeing your stupid, hateable, smashable face again makes us realize that your death would be the greatest celebration this hemisphere has ever witnessed. FUCK OFF.

El Spray-o The Toilet Bowl-o

Joel put on his dick-handling gloves today to move massive amounts of dick out of storage into his short-term refrigerator. The gloves were designed by NASA to withstand the constant heat and girth of unusually large quantities of dick without fraying– the same type of material that Joel's own lips are made from.

Having moved the dick into refrigeration, Joel then backed an 18-wheeler rig full of newly-received dick into the now-empty dick storage. His chimp servant Chad Yarboro (note the new spelling) guided Joel as he backed up.

Although Joel did knick the top of the dick loading dock, it was an uneventful effort. Joel now has plenty of dick to enjoy without going to Costco for another three weeks!

(pictured above, ordering fish in a Mexican restaurant will guarantee 48 hours off work)

Rub One Out.

As a connoisseur and enthusiast of the art of frottage, Joel has found it frustrating to live in L.A., where few people take mass transit. He has, however, found that he can rub his crotch against people in dense gatherings like sporting events or conventions- the most recent being a comic book convention in San Diego.

Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarboro (note the new spelling) dressed like The Falcon & Dyno-Mutt, respectively, to the 2008 Comic-Con. Once inside, Joel cleared his codpiece and began to happily rut against convention-goers almost to the point of climax.

I say "almost" because convention security– especially primed to detect sexual deviance since Furries had started attending– cracked down on the frottage immediately and tossed Joel out posthaste. The chimp servant, however, was not involved and was allowed to stay for the duration. So while Joel sat outside and ate stale parking lot dick, Chad Yarboro hobnobbed with Battlestar Galactica stars Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, and Kandyse McClure. Hot stuff!

(pictured above, a Karate mural artist in Brooklyn is either lazy or racist)

Later, During the Conference Call...

Oh Joel.

One thing you should know about Joel other than the fact that he adores gobbling cock: he is a fastidious dresser.

Joel ordered his chimp servant Chad Yarborough to press his wool pants this morning, which it did but left a tiny crease near the left cuff. Joel scolded it harshly and told him to try it again. Also, to hurry up– Joel had a meeting with Carmen Electra at Ritz Camera in an hour. Why was Carmen Electra slumming at Ritz Camera? You ask her.

The chimp servant had abandoned the pants press in the walk-in closet and tried the steamer instead. But Joel doesn't like steam drops on his wool pants, so he told the chimp servant to go back to trying the iron. What a dick.

After a fourth try on Joel's pants, the chimp servant was successful, and Joel was satisfied.

Once Joel was on his way, the chimp servant pulled out his opium pipe and turned on his Tivo'd "Family Feud."

(pictured above, Tara starts to show signs of stress and takes cover under a box)

Uh, A One-Two, One-Two.

Joel answered his front door today to find MC Serch and a camera crew out front.

The former 3rd Bass rapper and host of "The (White) Rapper Show" had inadvertently knocked on the wrong door, meaning to interview Joel's neighbor Juelz Santana.

The cameras were already rolling, so Serch had just asked Joel to drop a few freestyle rhymes. Fancying himself a pretty good MC, Joel started rapping, with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough beatboxing.

He had managed to rhyme "fresh" with "Tesh" and "night" with "aaiigght" before MC Serch told them to turn off the cameras. Everyone had left, but Joel was still in the flow of it all. Two of the cameramen patiently waited for him to finish so that he would eat their dicks.

(pictured above, an exciting new set of figurines that blame all their socioeconomic problems on Homies.)

The Dickside Chats, Part Two (Entry #397)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, cocks, and general foofaraw on this eponymous blog. This is part two of a very enthralling, very penetrating series:

Joel: (continued from Friday)...the dominant paradigm ensures in its victory its own destruction. So, too, must EADJ evolve past just dicks in my mouth. As for what Dean Hacohen would say, I think it would be, "Are you gonna finish that?" And I'd say, "Yes Dean, I am. Stop asking."

Andrew: Good point. I am seeing paradigms continue to shift as well--with so many dicks constantly occupying the area in and around your mouth, I'm surprised you noticed. Kudos. Here's something else to chew on: there's something out there in cyberspace referred to as "eadj counter" looks mysterious and I don't speak that language. What do you make of it?

Joel: I think my chimp servant, Chad Yarborough, does that. He's a polyglot, if you include fortran as a third language. I don't know what the website is for. Hey, I just realized, you're both named Chad! Small world. You two should hang out. Hanging chads--is that too political? Let's keep this light. No more political questions.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad models the latest Seattle and/or Ukrainian fashion)