From Bilton Mradley, The Makers Of "Famished Famished Hippopotami" and "BattlingShips"

Introducing "4 In A Row," the Tic-Tac-Toe game that's nothing like Tic-Tac-Toe but a lot like another unnamed game by another, more successful manufacturer who charges twice as much!

"4 In A Row" plays just like Tic-Tac-Toe, but instead of three in a row, you need to get four in a row, and instead of a Tic-Tac-Toe board, you have this vertical rack where you drop checkers down in slots. It's like Connect Four, except for poor people. 

Pretty stealthy, bro!

"4 In A Row," by Bilton Mradley. Look for it at Big Lots, Rite Aid or at the toy section of any Pennsylvania Turnpike rest stop!

A Nightmare On My Street

Coming soon to 8th Street: No parking in exchange for longing stares, men seizing women's shoulders, and possibly Alexandra Chando.

Some phrases that the male characters in "Brothers and Sisters" use that no one with a penis would say.

One show J'Net really, really likes is Brothers and Sisters on ABC. In case you haven't heard of it, it's this schmaltzy family drama where people talk as if they're all in one huge therapy session. All the kids are grown, so they can all talk maturely to one another (and their parents) with "clever" dialogue about how their relationships have evolved and all. Some plinky piano music plays during really poignant moments of realization, and then I go to the kitchen to jab a corkscrew into my eye. Here are some examples of the type of dialogue you can expect from the male characters:

"You're really lucky you've got Julian in your life."

"That is a recipe for disaster."

"Sometimes I think you're just distancing yourself from the things you really want."

"Tell you what, little brother, I'll take care of it. But you owe me big, buddy."

"I've had an epiphany, Karla."

"Give me some time alone. I need to be mad at you for a while."

"Do you want to make love again?"

"It's not that I resent him for being successful, it's just that I feel like life owes me more."

"My vagina itches!"

"Dad, we're never going to find common ground. Let's just agree to disagree, okay?"

And then cut away to commercials for Jenny Craig and that shampoo that makes you cum.

Feed a Meter, Eat a Dick

Joel got punched in the throat by a meter maid.

The incident happened yesterday on La Cienega Blvd when Joel was parking his Ford Festiva outside of Republic Restaurant + Lounge for a Terrible Screenwriters Guild dinner. A posted sign stated "No parking from 11am-5pm Mondays thru Fridays" and Joel parked at 5:10pm. In the middle of dinner, he left the restaurant for a smoke, and a meter maid was writing him a ticket!

Joel understandably got upset and started to argue with the meter maid. He explained that he had parked at a legal time and didn't deserve a ticket. The meter maid started ripping up the ticket and casually asked Joel what he does for a living.

He told her he's a screenwriter– that he's written for shows like "According To Jim" and "Wicked Wicked Games." That's when the meter maid punched him in the throat.

(pictured above, Joel's Chinese cousin Xiu Huang Whatever wins a cockdog eating contest)

Fort Dicks

Joel's chimp servant took a sabbatical to visit his family in Finland. So Joel had the apartment to himself all week, microwaving dick for himself and watching The Oxygen Network.

Imagine his surprise when he came across an old rerun of Wicked Wicked Games, a canceled series that he helped write one episodes for for the MyNetwork! Time had given Joel some perspective, and after about 18 minutes, he realized how terrible a premise it was: a soap opera about practicing witches. As Travis Parr would say, "Dummmbbb!"

Joel then realized that the shitty series had been playing on Oxygen for months now, and he hadn't received any residuals for the airings. A quick phone call to Oxygen got him the CEO M. Duckworth, a leggy brunette with a raspy voice and a heart of gold.

"Joel, we screwed you over, I admit," said M. over Joel's speakerphone, "But I'll make it up to you. How about a coupon for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut?"

Knowing this dame drove a hard bargain, and this was as good as it was gonna get, Joel swallowed his pride (with some dick) and accepted the peace offering. The coupon is in the mail for next Tuesday! Score??

(pictured above, A wedding hall in New Jersey exudes class with its whimsical yet classy (not to mention classy) signage.)

Iko Iko Eat a Dick

A furious argument between Joel and his chimp servant resulted in a shutdown of internet access for the entire apartment complex. Mrs. Jannis downstairs complained that she was busy reading plot summaries for "Passions" when it shut down. Jimmy and Duncan in 3A were chatting with whores on the True® dating network. Bryan Dixon was updating his myspace page for the 8,644,301st time, adding some photos of some city in the Czech Republic. I forget which.

Joel and his chimp servant apologized to most of the complex. Except for old Mr. Fischer, who has yet to give Joel back his dick bowl from that potluck dinner.

(pictured above, Emily S rubs her strep ass all over the Café Kriv)

"How I Spent My Holiday Weekend" by Joel's Chimp Servant

The following was submitted later this afternoon from a Compuserve email. All misspellings from the author have been kept intact.

How I spent my holiday wekend

Wekend began as always wiht early awakineng for make break fast. No holadiy weekend for chimp servant when you think about it.

Started macking Western frittata with side of dick (Joels favirote). Went oustide to get morning papper and save Harlem Funriture coupons for myself. Gonna buy that microfiber otomman soon.

Its great wehn Joel eat breafkast becuase he leave me alone and I can read U.S. World and News Report in peace. Also watch some of "Wickedwicked Games." Didnt liek at first but complex sotrylines start to grow on me.

Joel eating barkfast and everyhting going great until bus of cheer leaderhookers breaks down oustide. Joel start barking orders and get bossy to look manly infont of fucking hwores. All for show really cuz he prefer eat dick. Thus the name of blaog right am I kidding people?

Joel force me put on clean tshirt and walk out there to "tend to cheer leaderhookers needs' whcih issentialy means showing them wear in bushs to pee and help them resett travel bingo cards. All you got do is push red plastic thing back! Stupid hookers.

Hookers ask to call for towtuck but Joel is a dick about it. He particulair about hookers in his house (still!) and not want crabs in papa san agian.

Well this end of entry. just wandet to tell myside of the story. I got go to make porkchop sallad for Joel now and check on his ebay stattus.

- Chimp Sevrant

(pictured above, some Yuppie woman is considerate enough to leave the handicapped space available while she shops for accent rugs)

Getting Famouser!

If ever there were a good time to be Joel, that time would be now.

Sony Music has asked Joel to write the liner notes for Fantasia Barrino's next album.

"The, ah, styre. And, ah, the humol which Joer uses in his writing has made him perfect candidate," said Sony's stereotypical Japanese and sometimes Chinese spokesman Takeshi Xiu, "We rike velly much Joer's writing in Wicked Wicked Games. Big Happy Fun Time Explosion!"

In addition to the Fantasia liner notes, Joel has also been asked to write a fax spam sheet and a sign for one of the broken copy machines.

"I'm thinking either 'COPIER DOWN' or 'OUT OF ORDER– PLEASE USE THE ONE ON THE 14TH FLOOR.'" said a clearly psyched Joel, on the assignment.

When asked about Joel's extracurricular activities of eating massive amounts of dick, Xiu had this to say:

"Why you think we hire him? We want our dick eated too!"

Then everyone at the press conference had a long, hearty laugh that froze when the credits started rolling.

(pictured above, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, Taboo, and Fergie say 'Fuck it.' And the inevitable fallout by the hipster crowd ensues)

Can You Eat The Dick Tonight

On Joel's flight back to L.A. from the Florida Keys, he was lucky to find a special "Joel Only" copy of SkyMall in his seat pouch. And as fast as he could whip out his automatic pencil, he was filling out the order form. Here is just a sample of the many items that Joel has coming his way in 6-8 weeks:

Flea market, Montgomery! It's just like, it's just like, a minidick.

Joel spent President's Day tooling around the house scratching his now-defined pecs.

Later in the afternoon, neighbors in the complex complained of the smell when Joel decided to try grilling bologna and dick with vinegar on his porch. Noise complaints were also filed when Joel started cranking his Saigon Kick albums. Joel almost got arrested when he refused to turn it down until the last verse of "Spanish Rain" was done. Police, as usual, let him off with a stern warning.

Mrs. Betterham next door tried to start a conversation with him about her favorite soap, "Wicked Wicked Games." Either social awkwardness or painful memories of the botched screenplay prevented Joel from engaging with her. He instead stared at her pale, pendulous breasts hanging low in front of her belly, swaying lazily every time she shifted weight onto another foot. He asked her if she had a son or nephew nearby. Or anyone with dick.

Joel spent the rest of the day alone.

(pictured above, Joe Baran provides a visual balance to his incandescent forehead)

If I had a dick for every nickel Joel ate.

Joel found a whole new avenue, or should we say vein, for eating dick.

Whilst on his way to the local modern art museum for a meet-and-greet with the curators for his upcoming show "EATING DICK: A Retrospective," Joel took a wrong turn and happened upon some gang bangers. They normally would have jacked Joel's Subaru Outback but noticed the EATDIK license plate and asked him to show his skillz.

A few dicks eaten and a lively conversation about "Wicked Wicked Games" later, Joel went on his way with a whole new set of contacts.

Boo Boo, Raj-X, and Goochie Shug are sure to see their new friend very soon! Congrats, Joel!

(pictured above, some of the awesome swag from the Rozerem shoot that Emily had to wrest away from looters)

Don Quixote of the Rumor Mills

Okay, we at EADJ have had enough of the unfair rumors surrounding our hero, Joel. A little misinformation here or there is permissible, but the following rumors must come to an end NOW:

• The rumor that Joel did not eat any dick after a movie on Wednesday, January 3 and went straight home. The truth is, he ate dick, but he snuck it into the theatre.

• The rumor that Joel has eleven toes. In all of Joel's "I Eat Dick" advertisements around the city, he appears to have the regular ten toes. Producers of the ads have sworn that they have not retouched any extra toes out.

• The rumor that Joel prefers the occasional McRib to dick. While the McRib is a tasty boneless pork and barbecue sauce sandwich with a bun, onions and pickles and is available only on a temporary basis, Joel's first love is definitely dick.

• The persistent rumor that Joel is writing one episodes for the MyNetworkTV daytime drama "Wicked Wicked Games." It has already been established here many times that Joel, while an avid fan of the show, has never been called to put words in Tatum O'Neal's mouth. Instead, Joel has devoted most of his time putting dick in HIS mouth.

• The rumor that there is a shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson roaming the hallways of 225 North Michigan. This rumor is actually true. Because I've seen him a few times at the elevators. And I almost said hey to him.

So we at EADJ beseech the media, the grassroots supporters and the pundits to put an end to these vicious rumors. Except for that last one, which is totally true about the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson. Seriously.

(pictured above, a scene from the new Hilary Swank movie "Freedom Writers.")

A slight misunderstanding

CORRECTION: Yesterday EADJ reported that Joel had signed on to write one episodes of the Tatum O'Neal soap opera "Wicked Wicked Games." In actuality, Joel had simply WATCHED an episode of "Wicked Wicked Games" in his boxer briefs while eating bologna out of the package. EADJ regrets the error.

The episode Joel watched was titled "Delayed Gratification." Though Theodore and Emma make a pact to keep the family secrets between them, Brooke’s suspicions are nonetheless aroused. And while Josh tries to prove that Emma should have faith in him, Edward proves that he cannot be trusted.

(pictured above, Amazon.com CEO and Founder Jeff Bezos announces the exciting new "Eat a Dick!" option on its store, allowing consumers to "eat a dick with only one click!" Unfortunately, the only consumers that this option is available to is Joel Thomas and strangely, Mia Farrow.

CLARIFICATION: EADJ readers have pointed out that in today's and yesterday's entries, the plural word "episodes" followed the singular word "one." The EADJ writers assure everyone that this is intentional, to make it funnier.