Some New Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership (Coronavirus Update 2)

The worldwide pandemic and country-wide quarantines have caused a massive drop in business for movie theaters, including AMC. In order to encourage people to risk infection and patronize their theaters, AMC has granted FREE membership of the Stubs Rewards card to anyone who comes in or even walks by the building. Here are the ADJUSTED free perks that now come with the Stubs membership card:

• Free 2020 Land Rover Discovery or Discovery Sport (you choose the color)

• Free air* *may be infected with coronavirus

• WE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 2.5 HOURS

• Free passes to the next 500 movies oh god please stay

• Contactless back massages

• If you pull your dick out we won't tell. Nobody's here!

• If you are Harvey Weinstein, sorry we can't let you in. We do still have our standards.

• Plastic wrapped straws for safe drinking although the soda machine is filthy

• We promise not to show the movies "Virus", "Outbreak", "Contagion", or "28 Days Later"

• You can run the place from now on. Go ahead. We're outta here!

A Disturbed Holiday Offer

Spotted on Facebook: It's hard to look badass when you've got animated clipart snowflakes falling all over your band. SNOW-AH-AH-AH-AH!!!

Also, since when did the lead singer start looking like Phil Collins?

Let's Store Vegetables in the EADJ Mail Sack To Keep Their Freshness Longer!

Submitted by Kat, a puzzling CAPTCHA she got while buying tickets:

Thanks, Telecharge.

So on top of an $8.00 service charge, Ticketma... I mean, Telecharge slaps a $5.00 "Fee Fee" on it.

I hope you catch fire in a gasoline rainstorm, you miserable Fifi fuckers.

And What You Joel Is What You Dick

Luggage!

Joel went luggage shopping today at TravelPro in Santa Monica, hoping to find a light roller for his weekend dick-eating jaunts up the PCH.

He liked a blue medium upright, but the pockets were too shallow, and the wheels, although they did swivel in all directions, didn't have a brake mechanism (This second feature is important to Joel when he eats dick while waiting at a cab stand).

A silver hardside roller caught his eye, but the awkward handle and the $300 price tag weren't to his liking. Also, the compartments were too small to carry all his dick-eating paraphernalia and equipment.

Joel finally settled on a beige Walkabout Lite. It had a nice garment-hanging handle, two deep pockets for both weed and dick, and the expandable front flap sealed the deal. Joel could barely contain his erection as he skipped with the roller to his convertible Rabbit. His chimp servant seemed to enjoy the ride as well. On his erection.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu gets paid by pirating some holistic medicine booklet horseshit )

**SUZEMILY THEATRE UPDATE** Thanks to the persistent urgings of fans like Phil Flicklicker, both charter members of the Suzemily Theatre Players have agreed to return to the stage on Friday. The duo were seen rehearsing a scene from Grey's Anatomy earlier Wednesday by the Foursquare Court in the Creative Department Annex. Ticketmaster will open the box office at 7am tomorrow. Tickets start at $8 plus an $89 convenience charge.

Ite Adique, Zholl!

Damn that Ticketmaster!

The online ticket broker opened the box office this morning and charged $85 a ticket for an upcoming Michelle Branch concert in L.A. And Joel, being the #1 Michelle Branch fan that he is, has waited months for Branch to come to town just to hear "Everywhere" live. The steep ticket price, however, has forced Joel to pawn almost every copy of Sweet Valley High in his collection, including #101 "The Boyfriend War" with the rare cover. He has also placed an ad in the paper as a "Dick-Eater" for corporate or special events.

EADJ has opened a "Send Joel to Michelle Branch" fund. Donations in amounts of $5, $10, and $85 are welcome. Get ready for some serious female singer/songwriter rocking out, Joel!

(pictured above, Kenurkey presents some Corona concepts to Marshall)